Monthly Archives: August 2015

Naughty Elevator – The Flight Upstairs

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Naughty Elevator – The Flight Upstairs

I hate the elevators, especially the office ones, because their half-hearted attempt at crushing me ends up only hurting me and not killing me. Usually, something that does not kill you, makes you stronger. This elevator makes me weaker in many ways.

elevator

Monday morning, when I am dragging myself to my work, a crowded elevator is the last thing I want to see. Unfortunately it is the first one. Living in India, elevators still feel like an alien concept. Obviously, elevators are not a part of Indian culture as none of the vedas mention elevators and just like the vedas or kamasutra, we Indians have still not mastered the art of using them.

vedas

Normal elevator rule says, “First let the people exit and then enter”, but when have we ever cared about rules? So indifferently, when you want to exit, some kind soul wants you to stay back. Unlike the gravitational force this force is more of a visible jackass, who pushes you deep inside towards the elevator mirror.

vimana

Let me pull back a bit. Elevator is the biggest demon you will ever meet. A demon that follows Murphy’s Law the way a kindergarten student follows his pretty teacher.

murphy

You are in a hurry, getting late for the meeting, the elevator says, “Get Lost, I am full”. You are not late, have sufficient time, the elevator welcomes you like an air hostess with a fake smile, “Welcome Aboard Sir!!! We have been waiting for you!”. Elevators are also a bit like the public transport buses. When you need them the most, they either decide to hang out at a different stop or to go in the opposite direction. When they arrive, they are full. If you are unable to squeeze yourself in, you have to wait for the next one. In case you get in, it is just the beginning of the nightmare…

Chapter 1: The Awkward Silence

Silence is deafening, but in a confined space it becomes completely unbearable. You develop an ability to hate 10-12 people within a span of 20-30 seconds. The girl staring at her mobile phone, the grey haired semi balled bastard, the fat dude with smartphone, the hot girl talking telling her boyfriend, “She is in the elevator” and announcing to the world, “She is taken (read sold)”, the guy who is way too short for humanity, the tall guy who can check out every woman’s cleavage without getting caught, so basically every living being in the elevators, even the mating rats. The silence lasts only till the time you meet an acquaintance and then begins the awkward exchange of pleasantries.

Chapter 2: The Awkward Exchange of pleasantries

hostess

You try your best to use the skills mastered in high school to avoid eye contact with that bastard, whose presence in the elevator is going to force you to wear a fake smile, while the real thought in your mind is, “Why the hell are you here (read alive)?”.  The normal stupid question is, “How are you?” and the answer is, “Good”, and sadly both start their day with a lie at an otherwise ethical workplace. If this bastard is not a total jackass, he may stop at that, or he may start meaningless jibber jabber.

Chapter 3: The meaningless jibber jabber

There are a lot of people who treat the elevator like their living room, where they are yelling at their wives for not washing their chaddis. This meaningless jibber jabber is as bearable and meaningless as Miley Cyrus’ naked pictures. For some strange reason, they think the whole world is interested in that email this idiot did not send. Idiots are not limited to those inside the elevator. Threats can be external too.

Chapter 4: External threats

To start with, the ghost that calls for the elevator but mystically disappears when it reaches his/her floor. These ghosts are like the girl friend that missed her periods and starts bothering you for no good reason. Then there is this idiot who wants to jump in the elevator that is just about to take off. The problem is, this idiot wants to hold door for another joker who is late, which indifferently leads to a third monkey hopping on the peace train. When it is girls holding doors for other girls, this can be really annoying, as the girls find this whole thing amusing. The girls inside the elevators are giggling just like those outside and you are as clueless and emotionless as an idol in the temple.

Chapter 5: Final Destination

The final destination series is not a pleasurable experience, neither is the floor where you get down. This floor is the reason behind all the emotions in your life, well most of them. Still, the one you need to keep you going to. At times I feel like going to office on weekends, just so that I can use an empty elevator and I hope this wish does not come true.

kamala

India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

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India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

India is playing against Sri Lanka, like we give a fuck about it. Still, I think total indifference about India Sri Lanka cricket series is kind of unfair.

First time the two played, we wrote a book about it. Built a temple in Ayodha and celebrated Indian team’s successful return with an entire festival.

Ramayana was the first series, where we were not pissed off about wives being present at the game. Ramayana is called mythology because I think it never happened. It must have been a series of 5 Test Matches, 7 ODIs and 3 T20s.

ramayana

Some say, the best thing about India Sri Lanka series is that the live telecast is during day time.

When Sri Lankan Right Arm Spinners are bowling to Indian Right Hand batsmen, and yelling “Alle Alle Alle Alle Alle”, we are banging our heads on our laptops.

There are some idiots who follow India Sri Lanka series on websites like Cric Info, Cric Buzz, Rediff etc. These obsessed people are doing it only because India Sri Lanka series is a part of Indian Culture as much as Ramayana or Mahabharata. I think Sita haran was a conspiracy hatched by Sri Lankan Cricket board to make sure that we keep playing with them  forever. People say when Ravana died, his last words were “Shree Rama” but I think they were “Ranatungaaaa”.

ranatunga

The fun fact is that Ravana himself was an entire cricket team. All those stories about 10 heads strengthen my claim. Vibhishan was a mere umpire, who gave some wrong LBW decisions in our favor, since then deported to India, “Bhenc*** tu udhar hi jake reh na”. Shoorpanakha was an IPL cheerleader who was sacked for being involved in match fixing and all. Rama had a team full of monkeys and a hot headed vice- captain in Lakshman, but in the end was able to pull it off, because he was a cool headed captain, a bit like our MSD. Ultimately, we all have to agree that the whole series was for his trophy. Hanuman was promised a big role in the battle, sent for scouting, but actually ended up on the medical team.

Ravana SitaTo conclude, we strongly believe, India as a nation should give more importance to India Sri Lanka cricket series, because it is the most important part of our culture.

Also, when everything else will be banned in India, this is the only thing we can watch freely and without any fear.

|| Jai Shree Ram ||

jai shree ram

Banning Balls – Why we need to stop online porn???

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Banning Balls – Why we need to stop online porn???

Porn is fun and banning is what our governments typically like. If not for taxes and bans, why would we even need a government?

Porn was banned and the ban was revoked – I guess someone forwarded to the best parts and thought these sites are fine. I don’t know what government thinks, but we at Looney Darindey think online porn must be banned.

Kids these days have easy access to – ‘Khushi and Pussy’ and it kind of makes us jealous. Back in the day, we had to struggle to find “Waisi Waali CD”. First part of struggle was finding a video parlor that rents out these DVDs. Now this is more difficult that many of you may think.

Ashleel CD Wala Giraftaar

Ashleel CD Wala Giraftaar

Chapter 1: RENTING THE CD/DVD

Usually in the area where you grew up, it was impossible to rent porn CDs/DVDs, because the video guy knows you, your father, mother, uncle, aunty everyone. Moreover, the place where you went to rent Alladin and Lion King, it is kind of weird to go and rent out movies starring Jenna and Sunny didi.

I call all female porn stars didi, because like an elder sister, they take care of you when you grow up

Anyway, once the colony wala shop was ruled out.We had to go to the neighboring colony. First timers got dirty looks from CD walas. Still, the first experience of renting porn is an important part of growing up and we think every person must go through this.

You go to the shop, engage in a conversation and slowly change the topic to, “Waisi Wali CD”.

It was obvious that these video guys got great sadistic pleasure by not letting us know they have porn CDs. When a 13 year old guy walks into the video parlor, you need to know what the fuck he wants.  This made the experience of renting a porno unique, same as proposing a girl.

1a: RENTING THE CD/DVD (My First Time)

Me: Bhaiyya aapke paas kaisi kaisi movies hai??

Bhaiyya: Sab tarah ki…Action, Drama, Bollywood, Hollywood.

[To avoid suspicion, I rented a Hindi movie ]

Me: Aur kaisi movies hai aapke paas?

Bhaiyya: [Like a true professional] “Do” ya “Teen”?

This meant XX or XXX? Being a first timer,  I stuck to XX? [As if XX was the next level of sin and I wanted to reserve it for the next time.]

Me:  Double hi dena. “Teen” bahut jyada ho jayegi.

I quietly put it in my bag and walked out of the shop.

At an early stage of porn watching, an individual prefers to stay sober and watches soft porn. The build up is important i.e. getting there. With time, this evolves into true love or madness for pornography, with specific demands.

CHAPTER 2: TIMING IT PERFECTLY

Timing it Perfectly

Another major challenge in watching porn was to time it perfectly, i.e. when your parents go out. A planned trip was fine as you can prepare well in advance. On the other hand, if they suddenly decide to attend that wedding, you need to need start finding excuses for staying back home. These excuses have to be carefully crafted. They cannot be too strong, as they may ditch the marriage and stay back home. If the excuses are too mild yourparents may drag you with them. Once they are out of the house, you need to act fast. Following tasks need to be accomplished quickly – grab your bicycle and rush to the video parlor (in another colony), wait for the fat aunty to leave the shop, rent the DVD, come back home, open the door, close the curtains and switch on the PC (we are dealing with Windows 98/XP here) and finally start watching. By the time this is done, wedding time becomes bedding time, i.e. saala shaadi kya suhaagraat ka time ho jaata hai.

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On top of it, if the CD is full of scratches, this means the movie is good, but the print is not. That is why it was recommended that you rent multiple DVDs.

Later, when internet entered our lives, we never left our rooms. Yahoo Chat, Webcams, desibaba, … all at one place. No more going out to rent DVDs and no more embarrassing looks by the video parlor guy. The only issue was speed. 56 kbps dial up was an illusion of internet, but still internet nonetheless. For those who have survived on rice, a little dal is like gold mine.

Yahoo-Messenger-icon

You wait for your parents to sleep, double check if they are sleeping, double click the dial up icon, click on connect and hope that it does. That unbearable sound of dial up tone, krrrrrrkrrrkirrrrkarrrkirr (read duck orgasm), sounds like that of a nightingale (an apt name).

donald orgasm

The download speed was 7 Mbph (Mb per hour). It was still fun. You had to be careful, which 3Mb video to download. BSNL’s night rates were low, but still I could manage only 1.5 Gb of download.

To access faster internet, we had to head out to the nearby cyber café. Unfortunately these were the same places, where we checked our results (which sucked in my case). Finding a cyber with closed cabins was difficult. There were times when internet acted all naughty, and there were 100s of pop ups. You had to call the café owner to help you close it. He often gave these looks of disgust and anger.

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CHAPTER 3: WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG?

Slowly, we moved to limited broadband and finally transcended to unlimited ones. It was like having a connection to the fucking ocean in mainland. Sadly, after unlimited broadband, kids have lost the importance of porn. Many have missed out on the painful experience of Bearshare and Torrents and jumped directly to online streaming. These kids need to experience the adventure of renting “Waisi Wali CD”. The ban will only help them realize the value of this beautiful art form and rekindle their love for one sided digital relationships with the likes of Jenna Didi and Sunny Didi.

Meme 6263

Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

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Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

There was a time when I saw a man in khadi with a ‘jhola’ on his shoulders, grown beard and speaking some real logical stuff. This so called ‘Patrakaar’ had dedicated his life to bring out the truth. He really had a commanding personality. The kind that makes you feel like a dumb cunt for not focusing more in your social studies class. He meant what he wrote, as his words has real substance. With time, the substance has evaporated and what remains is a clown dressed as an actor from a ‘Nautanki’. The beard has lost its importance as even Rahul Gandhi has started growing one. The ‘patrakaar’ is not neutral as he/she has taken sides, either right or left or centre.

Source: MonketBuddha.com

The media these days has turned rapist. Not just evil, but hardcore rapist. They want to divide us, more like spread our legs and fuck us over and over again. They can divide us for different reasons – Caste (that card is kind of getting old now), language (can be brought up once in a while), sexual orientation (gays v/s straight – worked for a while), aam v/s VIP (has been there for centuries) and the favorite is religion (that one always works man).

So whenever, someone in any of the media channels gets an erection for TRP or whatever other reason, they have a simple road-map to intellectual orgasm – Engage and Outrage.

Let’s take the burning example of Yakub Memon’s hanging. Eid was few days back and as if going to iftar was not enough for these minority appeasing monkeys, they had to cash in on the Yakub Memon issue. The fun fact is that they started saying that these blasts were a reaction to 1992 Bombay riots. The logic is similar to, “I raped her, because she provoked me”. The hypocrisy doesn’t end here. They have been shouting 2002 2002 2002 for past 13 years, but never acknowledged the fact that it was a reaction to Godhra train massacre. I am defending neither, and no man in a sane state of mind should encourage or embrace violence in any form, but there must be some consistency. To sell news, it may be beneficial to engage one and outrage the other. In Yakub’s case, they took this to the next level. ‘Engage all and Outrage all’.

About the 40 odd petitioners, who think poor Yakub was not a terrorist and should not be hanged, were you wanking off for last twenty years, when the case was being contested? Why these idiots woke up at the last moment, when the whole fight was lost. Why now? Are you trying to build an image of ‘Heroes who at least tried’ in the mind of vulnerable Muslims? They always think of Muslims as nothing but a big barbeque party, where they can go and get their meat whenever they want. What Muslims need is a true visionary leader, who will transform their lives in a meaningful way and stop the world from exploiting them as a vote bank. Do they really want one such leader is the real question?

The hanging was obviously ironic; as it was on the day the funeral of Dr. Kalam, one of the greatest brain, heart and soul in the country was planned. He was a Muslim and all of us were proud of him. We loved him and still do, because we respect the deeds and not the religion. It hurts because in the morning newspaper, Yakub’s hanging had taken centre stage and Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam was pushed in one small corner. It just shows their priority. Let us push aside science and education and let us give importance to religious fanaticism, because that’s what sells.

indian express

Dr. Kalam’s contribution in 1999 Pokhran explosion was enormous, and a real turning point in India’s future. It was this explosion that shook up and woke up the world up and they started looking at India as a technology destination. The engineers of this country not only drew inspiration, but also got jobs because of his heroic deed. Yes, there were economic sanctions for a while, but he showed what we are made of and then that historic Clinton visit happened, which literally shaped our future. Sadly, all his contributions were overshadowed and the dark clouds of terrorism had taken over the news

As a kid, my parents told us, please listen to the news, they are informative. My partially blind grandfather used to tune in to the radio almost till his last moments. News channels these days have become source of high blood pressure. News channels these days are much more dangerous than the video games. At least, you can choose what video games to play.

Still, not all media guys are bad or rather opinionated. Recently, there was a case in Kolkata, where a man was living with his sister’s corpse for months. The article was so beautifully written that you can feel the pain. The act may sound hideous to many, but the article brought out the agony behind the crime, without causing any outrage. The fact is, I have always admired the folks from the media. I believe that these fiery and sincere journalists can change the world. I have always thought that this fourth pillar of democracy in incorruptible, but off late with this mad frenzy of becoming the “Exclusive”, “No. 1”, “Breaking News” etc. I feel you are losing track of your objective. As an honest citizen, I want you to question the government and society for their actions, but it hurts to see you glorify the terrorists for your selfish interests. He could have been hanged and we could have been done with, but you had to create this feeling of injustice and deprivation and once again alienate my Muslim friends. ‘Divide and Drool’ is fine if you are selling butter or KFC, but is a dangerous strategy when you are selling news, because, the day we wake up, the day the common people realize that you are making a third degree ‘Chutiya’ we won’t forgive you.

Source: Amul.com