Monthly Archives: November 2015

The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Standard
The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Long long ago, there was a prince, who didn’t like food.

joffrey

He despised it more than kids despised mathematics. Top of his hate list was milk, which I doubt comes from something as sweet as a cow. (FYI: I haven’t tasted a cow). He hated food worse than the biggest bully at his school. Queen mother tried a lot of new things, but there is only this much you can do with a Phool Gobi (cauliflower) or Patta Gobi (cabbage).

Aloo-Patta-Gobi-Curry

The  queen mother spent a lot of time learning new things, which made her really busy and late to go to bed. So obviously daddy i.e. the king got angry, because that was eating into daddy’s time for his good night stories. Everyday mommy and daddy used to dress up like characters from Panchatantra and tell each other stories, but never invited the prince.

panchatantra-terrorist

Prince’s food tantrums were not helping the case and his daddy really got upset. Until one day, queen mommy discovered a red and yellow packet. She said it was god sent. The packet said that the food will be ready in 2 minutes, but it took ages to come to the table.  Prince carefully took the first bite. As the gooey noodles made their way into the prince’s mouth, the tiny prince travelled into an alternate universe. The queen mother realized – “If sex was for daddy, this was for the prince!!!” The thing that would fill the void left behind by breast milk was to be fulfilled by Queen Mother’s new found love Maggi.

maggi

As the prince grew up, Maggi became an inseparable part of the family. That packet of Maggi was like a fairy tale. The day the prince came early from an examination, it was there. The day the prince got beaten up and pissed all over him by the bullies at school, it was there, The day it rained, it was there.

bully

In short, it was always there, but never did the prince get bored of it. At times it was an incentive for the prince to complete his homework on time. Slowly as the prince grew further to become a 3rd degree turd of a teenager, the love for Maggi only grew stronger. Hot girls and Maggi – that’s all that the prince could think of. Sadly, Maggi was the only thing accessible.

preity maggi

The King was a creative thinker and liked innovation in the bedroom. The king and his ministers used to try out new things and discuss the next morning during the lunch break. Sadly, the queen was not willing to try new things.  She loved dominating in the bedroom, but the creativity was missing. King had nothing new to discuss and the same new missionary tales were becoming less amusing by the day. He knew that his ministers laughed only because he was the king. So one day, when the king wanted to replace the traditional metal windows with the sliding windows, the queen demanded three wish coupons in lieu. Queen used the first one to make a son and the second won to buy exotic lingerie. She kept the third wish in her blouse and told the king she will be revealing it later. The day had finally arrived and queen was about to reveal.

One of the king’s ministers had clearly stated that noodles are aphrodisiac and the queen mother did not want her kid to grow up to become Shakti Kapoor, so she decided to use her third wish.

Shakti-Kapoor

The King came back from work all pissed. To keep the son busy, she made him Maggi, but to keep the king busy, she had to do a little more. She dressed like Kunika from the old Hindi movies.

kunika

Queen ordered food from king’s favorite restaurant. She also got the king some ice cream and made sweet sweet love to him. When the king was completely under her spell, she told him, dude, let’s send the prince to boarding school.

To be continued…

Why Indian parents make kids?

Standard
Why Indian parents make kids?

In India after few years into the marriage, if you do not squeeze one out, questions may be raised along with fat eyebrows. Doubts on manhood and fading hopes of achieving complete womanhood go hand in hand. A married couple in India is treated like a toaster. If the toast doesn’t pop out within first two three years, people think, “Short circuit ho gaya hoga!!!” (There must be a short circuit i.e. some problem with the couple). Letting other people take important decisions like these is kind of our thing. So, when you choose your life partner, without prior approval from your cousin aunt’s step mother-in-law, you may be treated like a dirty laundry. Still, when it comes to bringing a brand new asshole in this stinking shit pot of a world, the decision should be completely yours. Irrespective of the fact whether it is voluntary or not, why do Indian parents need kids in the first place.

1. To come first in the class

Indian parents are obsessed with kids coming first in the class.

Spelling Bee

So much so that they forget only one among 60-70 kids can come first in the class. If the kid does not come first, father thinks that he belongs to his wife’s ex-boyfriend and mother thinks it’s the mechanic. He is threatened to be thrown into a boarding school, but that threat never materializes as they fear that the kid may turn into a homosexual. This pressure of coming first finally pays off, only for men, unfortunately after marriage in the bed. You can deal with this pressure by watching the following video…

2. To buy ice-cream on a Sunday afternoon

Remember how on Sunday after that heavy meal your mom had cooked, your father usually sent you out to get ice-cream. This was one time you were useful to your family as a kid. What’s better than an ice-cream after a quickie? More importantly they had to see less of you for 5 minutes.

ice cream

3. Same reason why Europeans needed slaves

So daddy is fixing a lamp, but is too lazy to go to the kitchen and get the wooden stool. The fact is that he is afraid and wants to avoid confrontation with mom. He suddenly starts feeling like a roman king and sends his gladiator to go get it for him. You run like a dog behind a ball and get the stool or whatever he wants. At times I think, the kids provide the only chance for our parents to live the life of a Roman emperor. They can just make 4-5 kids, throw the bread and let them fight for it.Maa ki Slave4. Learn a new musical instrument, dance or entertain the guests

I learnt Tabla, my cousin sister learnt harmonium and my blind cousin knows singing. Now we may sound like one of those musical groups in the Mumbai local, “Pardesi…Pardesi” or “Dil diwana bin sajna ke maane na and all that”, but trust me we are not. We are more of the “Hum ko mann ki Shakti dena” and all that type. Once you learn an art form, you become the official courtesan of your family. Be ready to demonstrate your art in front of the guests, with a smile on your face. After all, it is because of them that you are getting to eat in the new ‘mehmanowali’ (for guests) plates.

courtesanindian

5. Answer the door and phone calls for your father

You are not a true daughter or son, if you are not the first one to run for the door.

doorbell

Every time the bell rang, it meant hope. Someone is here to rescue you, but they all turned out to be nothing but politicians with empty promises, who became boring within first 5 minutes. Be first to answer the phone, as you are the one who screens the calls. Of course these were the days of landline, in the days of mobile, your only job is to help your mother find out whether your dad is making out with the secretary or drinking with his friends.

6. Fulfill their unfulfilled dreams

If your parents’ dreams are X, on an average .3X dreams are fulfilled. Now it’s your job to fulfil 1.3X of the dreams. This unfortunately leaves very little space for your own dreams to be fulfilled. A lot of kids in this country spend decades figuring out what the fuck their dreams are, other than those which make them wet their pants in childhood, puberty and youth. Irrespective of how poor or how rich you are, your parents expect you to fulfil their dreams, just like your parents fulfilled your grandparents’. It is a vicious cycle of the glorious Indian society, where we are not allowed to dream, but told to dream. Our parents would rather want us to be Wasim Jaffer and fulfil their Ranji dreams, than become Sachin Tendulkar and shine like a real star. Some say that there are different levels of dreams. If that is true, we are still struggling to enter the first one.

dream

When you bring a new creature in this world, you bring a mind that can think and act on its own. The more you want him/her to be an impression of your own, the more he/she limits the ability to think. The less you control, the happier they will be, a bit like the helium balloon. Stop treating your kids like a glorified puppy. Let them think. Let them question everything around them, including your actions.

Be brave and let them be brave.

Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

Standard
Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

In Indian society, extra marital affairs are generally frowned upon. Especially if it is done by a woman, but there are few reasons, why it is fine for a married woman to get into an extra marital affair.

  1. Unmarried women can’t get into extra marital affairs

The strange fact about extra marital affairs is that unmarried women cannot get into an extra marital affair. Marriage is a prerequisite for extra marital affairs. I know this may sound weird, but extra marital affairs function like an elitist club, where only married men or women are allowed. Yes, people can have affairs with unmarried people, still for them, it will only be an affair. In order to make it an extra marital affair, they need to first marry and continue the affair. So tomorrow, if you want your daughter to get into an extra marital affair, first get her married and then find her a nice extra marital match.

married

  1. It is done after marriage…

An extra marital affair has to be consummated for it to be considered a legal extra marital affair. Till then the girl is to be considered loyal to her husband. Now the real question is why is it not wrong to do this? The answer is pretty simple – “Because it is after marriage”. In India, pre-marital sex is considered as a blasphemy, but post marriage, it is considered totally fine. Imagine, your daughter banging the mechanic before marriage, it will not be Sanskaari at all, but after marriage, it should not be much of a problem, because it is not premarital sex. Also, after marriage, if the girl is caught having extra marital affair with the milkman or your husband’s friend or something, it would be her in-laws fault, because after marriage, they are her parents. So it will be very easy for her parents to pass on the blame to her in-laws saying, “Haaw, aapki beti kahan mooh kala karke aa gayi!!!” You know as they say, “Offence is the best Defense”

premar

  1. Because it is free!!!

Extra marital affairs are free of cost. In India, we love things that are free. I mean “Ek ke saath ek free”, i.e. “one on one free” is what gives the women real long lasting orgasms. So between Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Varma, the smarter housewife will be the one with extra marital affair, because she knows the importance of free. Only she can be a good mother and daughter in law in long run.

BOGO

  1. Makes her good at multi-tasking

Women are good at multi-tasking as per the feminists, but this skill can get way better with an extra marital affair. A women who can successfully keep two men happy can truly be awesome at managing the house and take care of lot of kids in future. An average Indian mom is supposed to have 4 kids. Taking care of four kids is not easy, especially if they are boys. Hence, it is important that the girl gets into an extra marital affair early in her married life. This will train her for challenges of future and help her get a better understanding of men.

multitask

  1. Makes her better at physical love

Physical love can be a challenging task, especially in India, where we have a lot of mosquitoes. To counter the mosquitoes and bed bugs etc. it is important for the girl to have an extra man to practice this with. The logic is simple – If you want your wife to cook new things, you send her to a cookery class, but if you want your wife to try new things in bed, send her to someone who can teach her that.

Physical Love

  1. Good for girl’s parents

Today is a time full of stress and problems. So don’t expect the marriages to last long. Also, there are chances that your daughter or son-in-law or both may not live long. An extra marital affair by the daughter ensures that you get a back-up to the back-up son i.e. back-up son in law. So don’t worry who will change your diapers, when you start wetting your bed, because you have taken 3 levels of precautions – daughter, son-in-law and back-up son-in law.

indianparents

To summarize, extra marital affairs are a very human thing to do. Have you ever seen cats or dogs or crickets having extra marital affairs? No, because it is only for the supreme species called homo-sapiens. If your daughter grows up and asks you, mom how many extra marital affairs you had, what answer can you give her? Who will take care of your parents, if for some reason you and your current husband are not around?

These are some serious questions and demand serious answers. You don’t have to look too far, just look around you, “This  special one” might be way closer than you think. So next time your husband’s boss makes a naughty comment, or the milk man shows up without a t-shirt or plumber accidentally makes you wet, do not ignore as he might be your prince “Extra Charming!!!

specialone