There are two types of pregnancies in the world. The ones that make you buy a new car and the others that make you look for the nearest dumpster. Thanks to the current Indian prime minister’s cleanliness drive, it has become real easy for us Indians to find the nearest dumpster. Also, he is from Gujarat, so girls think getting pregnant is going to get them a Padma Award or something, in reality, all they are going to get is a girl or boy, who they can call Padma Shri or Padma Bhushan based on the gender. If it is something in between, you can just dump it, without even looking for a name or a bag.
Recently my father’s friend came home crying, “Hey, my daughter got pregnant. What has she done? How will she get married now?” I said, “Don’t give up uncle, what if it’s a boy???”
In Indian society, an accidental pregnancy is considered blasphemy. Ideally, any pregnancy should be considered evil. I mean, we already have over a billion people and one less idiot is not going to hurt us. The moment, someone uploads a picture of their newborn on Facebook, I feel like writing, “Amen!!! Don’t worry Jesus will cure him.” The rate at which we are growing, I think sanitary pads are soon going out of business. It feels like a dream world full of spread legs and swollen bellies.
Why girls get accidentally pregnant?
Here is a strange law of nature, ‘Guys cannot get pregnant!!!’. The one who owns the oven bakes the cookies. Also, most boys are like the arrogant rich kid with the bat. “Meri batting ho gayi mai ghar jaa raha hoon!!!” (I am going home after I am done with my batting). Then begins the long wait for the next kid with the bat.
Is accidental pregnancy really that bad?
Few years back, a good friend of mine asked me for some relationship advice. She loved a guy who loved her back. She wanted to marry him, but her parents were against the marriage. I gave her the perfect solution, “Get pregnant!!!” At first, she thought it was a crazy idea, but later she realized that this is the only way out (or into the marriage). Once she accepted the idea. she got married. Now she is a successful single mom, as her husband married her and then dumped her (divorced her).
Accidental pregnancy has its own benefits:
- It takes away the need to make stupid decisions, like whether I should get married or not, whom do I marry and when to get married? Because answers are simple – Yes, any guy available, and immediately in that order.
- Your parents get a solid reason to hate you.
- You prove to the world that you can make the babies. You might not have control over it, but still you can make it. It’s like Islamic terrorists who end up blowing themselves while trying to kill others and then get the fame as suicide bombers.
How to handle an accidental pregnancy??
It’s not easy to handle an accidental pregnancy unless you get knocked up every time you drink. Accidental pregnancy gets a bad name because the girls break the news to their parents as if someone accidentally added extra salt while cooking.
There is no need to be upset now when you acted recklessly (read like a slut) then. Carry that bundle of joy (and shame) with pride. If that doesn’t work, then leave town, make that baby and then look for the nearest dumpster.
Life is complicated and accidents happen, but always remember, accidents never make useful babies or the leaders of tomorrow. Accidental pregnancies like recruitment HR cell for gangsters, criminals, politicians and terrorists. So next time you feel naughty, bathe in ice water or use the forbidden hole (loophole) unless accidental is what you are looking for.
Don’t just think about yourself, think about the guy whose life can be destroyed, especially if you are not worth it. Remember, accidents happen, but don’t be one of them.
Accidental pregnancy is bad, but let’s not blow it out of proportion!!!