How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

Sonam Kapoor got married recently and it’s all good for her. I am always happy when rich people get married, because they are not spending my money. I think a lot of us should go out of our way and declare this as national wedding, at least of this century. Who gives a shit about the Royal wedding, when we have the hairy Kapoor affair?

Last few days have been amazing. All problems in India have vanished. Sonam Kapoor quickly moved on from demanding justice for Asifa to gathering wishes for her wedding. For someone who has not followed this wedding, I still feel like I was deeply involved. My mother almost cried looking at Sonam’s bidai pictures. Frankly even I am a bit upset, but the media for some reason is not giving me a chance to miss her at all. No way!!!

This morning as I was sipping my chai (tea), some news channel showed Sonam Kapoor wearing a Vera Wang couture gown for her second red-carpet appearance at Cannes 2018. For ignorant souls like me with zero fashion sense, Vera Wang is a famous American fashion designer. She must be good, because she is American. According to News 18, the dress Sonam was wearing was a nude-hued gown and had a corset that flows into a big tulle skirt.  They also say that the gown had a sunshine-yellow train and that was a surprise.

Being a complete stranger to this fashion world, I had no idea of what a tulle is. Wikepedia tells me that it’s a really expensive ‘macchar dani’  i.e. a mosquito net. A wise choice I must say, as there were too many mosquitoes last time I went to Cannes. That said, because she was recently married, as a self-proclaimed elder brother, I really wanted to miss Sonam Kapoor. So after my chai, I went to the pooping station, with my Indian Express newspaper (because I want to read news that matter) and there she was again with her Vera Wang gown and the tulle, but this time in print on Indian Express. All my hopes of a decent bowel moment went down the drain. A little grumpy, I decided to move on with my day. Before getting into my car and travelling from one chaotic world to another miserable one that I call my workplace, I made my usual pitstop on twitter and there she was again.

The same Indian Express article, but this time on Twitter. I had seen Sonam Kapoor on TV, in Print and online within a couple of hours. Is this normal or is she the almighty. I don’t know if I am following her or she is stalking me through her articles, news etc. That said, my affection for her as an elder brother started to die. I know she didn’t invite me for her wedding, but media made sure that I was a part of it. She didn’t give me any gifts, but didn’t take any from me either.  I reached office and as I was painfully waiting for the elevator, I decided to log on to twitter again. I clicked on a Marathi news article about the sad demise of Jivya Soma Mashe, who popularized the Warli tribal art form. There she was again with her broad smile inviting me to click another article of her wedding or Cannes or whatever it was. At this point of time, I decided to end all relations with her and started thinking who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

Who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

All of us have seen Sonam Kapoor in movies. While I agree that her presence on screen is not as annoying as her uncle Sanjay Kapoor, her lack of acting skills more than makes up for that. The way she says ‘because you are worth it’ in the Loreal ads, I am sure, she is an AI BOT created by Elon Musk. Even though we know her as Anil Kapoor’s daughter, I think it’s a story made up to hide this secret. Sonam is a revolution in the AI world as she is the first successful Humanoid Robot (way before Sophia).

Now that she is married, to another Humanoid Robot, who wears sneakers with sherwani – traditional Indian dress designed to make the groom uncomfortable, they will soon me multiplying and making humanoid robo-babies. These babies will grow up to write articles for Storypick, Scoop Whoop, Buzz Feed and may be even New York times and eventually take over the world as propaganda drivers.

How to protect yourself from Sonam Kapoor?

Sonam Kapoor articles at this stage can be more harmful than sun’s UV rays. Sonam Kapoor is definitely more than what meets the eye and it is extremely important to protect yourself from her. Even though some secret scientists have been trying to find a sure shot mechanism, but his is all they could come up with as the entire machinery is working against us. Still here are few things that you can do to protect yourself.

1.       Stay away from StoryPick. It is said that Sonam disguises herself as a StoryPick writer and keeps writing online articles. Being a bot, she can write 200 articles a day. As they are for listicle websites, grammar and spell check really doesn’t matter.

2.       Avoid mainstream new sources. Trust me, she is everywhere. You may read the front page and sports page, but avoid any supplements.

3.       Stay hydrated and do not lose more weight than necessary. Eat a lot, stay hydrated (have ORS solution if needed), but under no circumstances lose any weight at all. The thinner you, higher are the chances of you falling prey to Sonam’s surrogate websites that inspire weight loss.

4.       Last but not the least, watch Doordarshan, because they really don’t give a shit about her. That’s the only safe space we have in these troubled times.

Stay safe, stay Sonam free, “Because you are worth it”!!!

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