I never thought anything would scare me more than the ‘cute kitten’ emails. Few years back, whenever I logged into my email, I felt scared. As my trembling fingers clicked the mouse button, I prayed, “No cute kittens email please.” Just like every other prayer of mine, even this one was moved to the Junk/Spam folder by the non-existent almighty and I was subjected to a 20 image torture. The questions popped up in my mind like the pop-ups on a porn site. Since when did human beings become so jobless that we started admiring the cuteness of kittens and puppies in such large numbers. At first, I chose to ignore, but as more and more people got access to emails, my inbox was flooded with these cute kitten emails. I thought this is it. The collapse of humanity has begun and the cats and bitches (I hear that dogs don’t have much say there) will be soon taking over. Little did I know, that these were mere warning signals.
As we moved further into the social media maze, getting trapped into the platforms meant to liberate us, the cute kittens kept showing themselves in different forms and shapes. Some bugger went to the extent of making a compilation of the top ten funniest kitten videos.
The terrorists even tried to counter this downfall of humanity by posting some bombing and decapitation videos. This worked and sanity was restored, only for a while. The quality of Youtube videos upgraded from the cats and dogs smiling to smashing cars, bar fights, attack warnings etc. The Global Cat Videographers Summit held in 2009 recognized the lowering Youtube viewership for cat videos as a major threat to their existence. One of the videographers make a breakthrough discovery, “Cuteness can be transformed from one form into another. It just needs a carrier”. These sun rays peaking out of the dark clouds make the cat whiskers shine again. Cats and puppies transformed themselves into all possible animal forms (like pandas, giraffes, lions, dolphins), dancing babies and dancing or falling fat people. This trend started to fade out too, but the cute kittens had a plan and they had the world advertisers in on it. What started with cute kitten videos turned into corporate funded “Awwww full” campaigns. Mix cuteness with meaningless emotions and sprinkle some love related bullshit, that was the formula.
Recently, Indian market has been hit by one such “Awwww Full” campaign. The symptoms are similar to the first cute kitten attack. Every time I log into Facebook, this ad is right there, in my face. At times I can see a cute kitten with a smile that is no less evil than Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. I warn you, the ad is scary and viewer discretion is recommended.
There are few things that make this ad really scary and annoying at the same time:
1. The psychedelic background score: The typical “Ohhooohooo Ohhooohooo” singing, is what a modern day Indian really connects with emotions these days. This background score can make Andaz Apna Apna look like Rudali (the saddest movie in the universe).
2. The annoying old lady: First up, the lady is too young to be his/her Dadi (grandmother). Sadly, she is old enough to be perfectly annoying and preachy. The make up, the dress, her voice, crafted to perfection for annoying. Top it up with “Do chamachch pilane de” dialogue (repeated 7-8 times), and viewing the ad becomes more painful than browsing on Internet Explorer.
3. The Nurse Actor (National Award Aspirant): Sadly, the nurse is not Mallu, which we can understand, as I hear that all the mallu nurses (and their replicas) have moved to Iraq. This nurse here is acting for the next year’s national award. Despite of all her efforts to pull down her eyebrows, she is not able to do that, even when she tries to make a cute face. It looks like she is doomed for rest of her life to carry these bows stretched to shoot some arrows. The term “Akhiyon se teer maarein” has got a completely new definition. Amazingly, her tipping point is when Dadi says “I Love you”, as if the Dadi is flirting with her.
4. Reference to ‘The Bachpan’: The moment the Dadi says “Bachpan”, I feel like running for cover. Anything with a reference to bachpan has to be scary. She follows it up with “Meri daal ki 6-6 katori kha jaata tha”. Saala shakal se hi bhookkad lagta hai.
4. The bearded dude: I have great respect for people with beard, but there is something really creepy about this guy. I feel this is the same guy from the Dhara platform (The Jalebi Guy) who had decided to leave home, but came back to eat ‘Jalebis’.
He has grown up to become a real asshole, who goes around teasing women, gets beaten up and is thrown into the hospital. The fact is that the parents should have just let him go. Look what they have done.
The ad is so long that I was forced to think of two alternate endings.
First, when the nurse closes the door, and says “pila do”. The nurse goes in, brings a pistol, and shoots both the Dadi and Dadhi (I mean the guy with dadhi). This would be too violent for Indian audience, and is not a feasible option.
Fucking bill them both!!!
Second, the moment this guy tastes the daal, he feels better, stands on his feet and all three of them start dancing. Something like this…
Look what they have done now. They have forced me use a stupid dancing dog video. This is the real beginning of the end. The cats and dogs are taking over. Soon, all of us will be in real trouble, when the cats and dogs return to their original form and start tormenting us.