Category Archives: Entertainment

How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

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How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

Sonam Kapoor got married recently and it’s all good for her. I am always happy when rich people get married, because they are not spending my money. I think a lot of us should go out of our way and declare this as national wedding, at least of this century. Who gives a shit about the Royal wedding, when we have the hairy Kapoor affair?

Last few days have been amazing. All problems in India have vanished. Sonam Kapoor quickly moved on from demanding justice for Asifa to gathering wishes for her wedding. For someone who has not followed this wedding, I still feel like I was deeply involved. My mother almost cried looking at Sonam’s bidai pictures. Frankly even I am a bit upset, but the media for some reason is not giving me a chance to miss her at all. No way!!!

This morning as I was sipping my chai (tea), some news channel showed Sonam Kapoor wearing a Vera Wang couture gown for her second red-carpet appearance at Cannes 2018. For ignorant souls like me with zero fashion sense, Vera Wang is a famous American fashion designer. She must be good, because she is American. According to News 18, the dress Sonam was wearing was a nude-hued gown and had a corset that flows into a big tulle skirt.  They also say that the gown had a sunshine-yellow train and that was a surprise.

Being a complete stranger to this fashion world, I had no idea of what a tulle is. Wikepedia tells me that it’s a really expensive ‘macchar dani’  i.e. a mosquito net. A wise choice I must say, as there were too many mosquitoes last time I went to Cannes. That said, because she was recently married, as a self-proclaimed elder brother, I really wanted to miss Sonam Kapoor. So after my chai, I went to the pooping station, with my Indian Express newspaper (because I want to read news that matter) and there she was again with her Vera Wang gown and the tulle, but this time in print on Indian Express. All my hopes of a decent bowel moment went down the drain. A little grumpy, I decided to move on with my day. Before getting into my car and travelling from one chaotic world to another miserable one that I call my workplace, I made my usual pitstop on twitter and there she was again.

The same Indian Express article, but this time on Twitter. I had seen Sonam Kapoor on TV, in Print and online within a couple of hours. Is this normal or is she the almighty. I don’t know if I am following her or she is stalking me through her articles, news etc. That said, my affection for her as an elder brother started to die. I know she didn’t invite me for her wedding, but media made sure that I was a part of it. She didn’t give me any gifts, but didn’t take any from me either.  I reached office and as I was painfully waiting for the elevator, I decided to log on to twitter again. I clicked on a Marathi news article about the sad demise of Jivya Soma Mashe, who popularized the Warli tribal art form. There she was again with her broad smile inviting me to click another article of her wedding or Cannes or whatever it was. At this point of time, I decided to end all relations with her and started thinking who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

Who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

All of us have seen Sonam Kapoor in movies. While I agree that her presence on screen is not as annoying as her uncle Sanjay Kapoor, her lack of acting skills more than makes up for that. The way she says ‘because you are worth it’ in the Loreal ads, I am sure, she is an AI BOT created by Elon Musk. Even though we know her as Anil Kapoor’s daughter, I think it’s a story made up to hide this secret. Sonam is a revolution in the AI world as she is the first successful Humanoid Robot (way before Sophia).

Now that she is married, to another Humanoid Robot, who wears sneakers with sherwani – traditional Indian dress designed to make the groom uncomfortable, they will soon me multiplying and making humanoid robo-babies. These babies will grow up to write articles for Storypick, Scoop Whoop, Buzz Feed and may be even New York times and eventually take over the world as propaganda drivers.

How to protect yourself from Sonam Kapoor?

Sonam Kapoor articles at this stage can be more harmful than sun’s UV rays. Sonam Kapoor is definitely more than what meets the eye and it is extremely important to protect yourself from her. Even though some secret scientists have been trying to find a sure shot mechanism, but his is all they could come up with as the entire machinery is working against us. Still here are few things that you can do to protect yourself.

1.       Stay away from StoryPick. It is said that Sonam disguises herself as a StoryPick writer and keeps writing online articles. Being a bot, she can write 200 articles a day. As they are for listicle websites, grammar and spell check really doesn’t matter.

2.       Avoid mainstream new sources. Trust me, she is everywhere. You may read the front page and sports page, but avoid any supplements.

3.       Stay hydrated and do not lose more weight than necessary. Eat a lot, stay hydrated (have ORS solution if needed), but under no circumstances lose any weight at all. The thinner you, higher are the chances of you falling prey to Sonam’s surrogate websites that inspire weight loss.

4.       Last but not the least, watch Doordarshan, because they really don’t give a shit about her. That’s the only safe space we have in these troubled times.

Stay safe, stay Sonam free, “Because you are worth it”!!!

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Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

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Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

Padmaavat shouldn’t have been released. I always thought so, but not for the reasons the controversy is going on. Have a look at my stand-up video to find out why!!!

 

 

Why are we treating Sachin Tendulkar and Lata Mangeshkar as untouchables?

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Why are we treating Sachin Tendulkar and Lata Mangeshkar as untouchables?

If Sachin Tendulkar is the world’s best cricketer and Lata Mangeshkar the best playback singer in India, then why are we treating them like untouchables? Untouchability was abolished long back then why do we still separate some people from the masses and don’t allow others to joke about them?

The fact is we in Indian society have designed a way everyone is supposed to live their lives. Any variance will be dealt with strictly and we will go after you. The problem is, you won’t realize the danger unless this rule is applied against you.

To get a context of what I am saying, you need to first look at the below clip by AIB’s Tanmay Bhat.

 

A lot of people are upset about Tanmay’s video saying that he cannot disrespect Sachin or he should not talk about Lataji’s death. The harsh reality is that everyone dies. God forbid if that day ever comes for these two legends, I have no idea how I will react, but I know one thing for sure, on that day, death won’t discriminate. If death does not discriminate between the successful or unsuccessful, the rich and poor, why should comedy?

Tanmay Bhat is a comedian and you might not like his style of comedy. It is your right to do so, but blowing things out of proportion is unnecessary. People say that insulting these legends is not comedy. I say what’s funny is not insulting. In a world of your word v/s mine, there are no winners. If you find it funny, laugh about it, if you don’t, just ignore it. A comedian’s job is tough. He will do anything to make you laugh. Make fun of his parents, wife, siblings, grandfather, political situation, religion, sportsperson etc. In this noisy world, people these days have become so snobbish that is difficult to make them listen to you, leave alone make them laugh. Under such circumstances, by tying a comedian’s hands further, we are muting few voices that are willing to speak up.

I also understand that a political party has filed a case against Tanmay Bhat. This is the same party that has been under fire for making speeches and has had its freedom of speech under threat. In that case they should know the best how it is to be at the receiving end of something so horrible. All of us want to speak and when someone tells us what to speak and what not to speak, it hurts? You are like, “Tu hi bol le bhenchod!!” (You say it brother of a beloved sister).

Above all, the fact is Sachin and Lataji both are not expected to be upset about this. They might be too preoccupied with what they are doing. Knowing Sachin, he might not react to this, but may come out of retirement, score a century and answer him with the bat. On the other hand Lataji doesn’t’ even have to say anything she can just sing about it with that beautiful voice of hers.

What we can do is, just wait and watch as once again, the more important issues have been overshadowed by a simple joke, which was unintentional and above all really funny.

We need to stop treating people like untouchables even if it’s the god himself (or herself) and start treating jokes as jokes.

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: Khaleesi Gains weight as Arya goes begging!!!

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Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: Khaleesi Gains weight as Arya goes begging!!!

Game of Thrones is back. It’s like happy new year for all the Game of Thrones fans, or is it?? If you are not based out of the US, there is a high probability that you have not seen this episode yet, so beware of the spoilers ahead.

Parts of Season 6 episode 1, “The Red Woman” leave an impression that it is copied from a lot of Hollywood or even Bollywood movies and obviously there is enough stereotyping to make cats look cute.

  1. Arya is Blind

We all know that Arya was blinded in the Season 5 Finale. She lost her eyesight and they made here do what all blind people do? Beg!!!

Arya Beggar.jpg

I mean they could have easily helped her start a Telephone booth (or in this case raven booth) out of the government’s disabled or blind quota. Still, they left her begging in the streets of Bravos. Then comes her co-masseuse bitch from the ‘Man Needs Face’ spa, who wants to fight Arya. She starts beating the shit out of Arya as if she wants to train her. This clearly reminded me of Ajay Devgan’s Jigar, (which itself is copied from Bloodsport).

 

2. Wheelchair Doran

From the beating of blind people to killing of lame people. Doran Martell an otherwise peaceful character was murdered by Ellaria Sand (played by Indira Varma) without much of a reason. Just imagine the plight of Alexander Siddig, someone must have told him, “You are there in season 6. Only for 2 minutes in the first episode. You read a letter and are stabbed to death.”

Also, why kill him when you can just take his wheelchair away? How far he could have gone???

As I saw him sitting in his wheelchair, I couldn’t help but think, if Game of Thrones was real history, this could have been one of the first wheelchairs. Then I asked myself, why was the first wheelchair ever invented? Wheel is fine, but wheelchair, why?? How many disabled or paralyzed people it took for someone to think, “What if we make a chair with wheels? We can just let those without legs roll. We can also go lame bowling.”

3. Jaime screws up big-time

Jaime Lannister returned unsuccessfully from Dorne, as Myrcella was poisoned. Yeah, he might have brought her in one piece, but that was surely not the deal. As a married man, I was shit scared. If I mess up the grocery list, my wife treats me like a shopping cart and drags me to the mall and makes me watch her shop. Though Cersei is not Jaime’s wife, but we all know how unreasonable she can be. Even here, she is totally unpredictable. We thought she will go all Pearl Harbour on Jaime, but no, she is super calm and gentle. Thankfully, Jaime didn’t ask her, “What happened to your hair???”, else he would have to start using that gold hand more often.

JaimeandCersei

4. Khaleesi Gains Weight!!!

Khaleesi has gained weight. Khaleesi was picked up by Drogon and dropped off at a random land, where Dothrakis take her to the new Khal Moro. She is still trying to play the “Mother of Dragon” card and is equally annoying. The only difference is she has put on weight. We don’t know the reason. Drogon might have been firing up the barbeque for her, but Khaleesi’s slightly heavier look is of concern. If she ever gets to sit on the iron throne, she should at least fit in it. I hope she loses weight at the Khal Widow Women’s Association or the KWMM (Khal Widhwa Mahila Mandal).

khaleesifat

5. Melisandre is the bathtub lady from “The Shining”

We were hoping that Melisandre does something to him. She does come back and show us the first pair of titties for season 6, but the joy was short-lived. It is clearly inspired from Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ where a pretty hot lady turns into an old hag as she kisses Jack Nicholson.

theshiningmeme

The big kept secret is still a secret. Is Jon Snow really dead? I mean he is almost, but why aren’t they destroying the body yet??? Bury him, burn him, but do something. He is not doing anything just lying down there. Everyone says he is dead, but unless they destroy his body completely, there is still hope.

jonsnow

Beautiful illustration videos of Game of Thrones are the best build up to season 5!!!

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Beautiful illustration videos of Game of Thrones are the best build up to season 5!!!

The beloved show Game of Thrones is under threat, because Sony has decided to remake this show in Hindi. A sad day, as we don’t want to see this show being remade as “Rani Mahal” (Queen’s Palace).

Game of Thrones Hindi

Game of Thrones Hindi

While the fans await the release of season 5, this news is sure a mood killer for Indian fans. Still, to cheer you up, we got these beautiful illustration videos by 1A4Studio for Vanity Fair. These videos illustrate the lives of few Game of Thrones characters, one at a time.

As the above trailer suggests, these videos are actually ‘faster than fuck’. An obvious warning for losers who have not seen Game of Thrones, “Spoilers Ahead”. These videos are a must watch for all Game of Thrones fans.

1. The Life of Khal Drogo

2. The Life of Joffrey Baratheon

3. The Life of Robb Stark

4. The Life of Yggrite

and finally…

5. The Life of Ned Stark