Category Archives: Family Matters

How to get an obedient wife???

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How to get an obedient wife???

Marriage can be tougher than you think. It is like swimming naked in a pool on a nice sunny day, but with some sharks and crocodiles hanging around. Many people think that marriage will put an end to all the problems in your life. If this was true then every married couple would have been like Jack and Jill who went up the hill to do naughty things.

jack and jill

The fact is that marriage is the beginning of all the problems. Marriage is like a long train journey, where you are stuck with a Sindhi/Guajarati family with Aaloo, Mooli ke parathe in their tiffin box. You know that when that fart catalysing food goes in the late night explosions are going to transform your train compartment into a gas chamber. At times, I think if Hitler had discovered Guajarati food, he would have easily doubled the number. Now that we have re-established the fact that marriage is a dangerous but unavoidable calamity, it is important that you are well equipped for this.

fart

The traditional way of approaching things is to change yourself, but we at Looney Darindey believe in thinking out of the bottle. Instead of changing yourself, train your wife. Train your wife does not mean having multiple wives and asking them to form a human train. We leave that to ISIS. It actually means, methodically modifying the behaviour of your fiancée/girlfriend so that she becomes an excellent wife. Women are coded and nurtured in a particular way, which has a major impact on the way they interact with other people. As we know, it is important for a man that his wife behaves the way he wants, we have developed techniques that make your wife obedient to her master’s wishes.

angry

Why is it important to train the wife?

Every man has a lifestyle which gets adversely and drastically impacted when a woman enters his life. In most cases, this happens because of compatibility issues. Wives in recent times have shown great stubbornness to mend their ways after marriage, which leads to chaos and at times tempts men into violence, which cannot be completely justified.

‘Train your Wife’ is not just a business, but also our social responsibility.

The dreams that a couple has at the time of marriage can get destroyed, thanks to the unreasonable demands made by women, and in some cases men. So it is important that you train your wife to suit you and your family needs/demands.

trainyourwife

What we focus on?

Compatibility can be in different areas, which can be mainly classified as – Behavioural, Physical and Monetary. When a couple enrols in our programme, we take full charge of female and put her through our intensive 7 weeks training module.

Training

Behavioural

Girls these days don’t know how to behave. Modern day marriages often involves a lot of socializing. Girls must know how to change their behaviour with respect to the surroundings. The idea is that this should be in line with expectations of the man. We will train the wife in such a way that you can control her degree of openness when she is with your friends, colleagues or boss. Most importantly, we will make sure that she is not an embarrassment for you.

obehave

Physical

Physical compatibility is a must between husband and wife. Our physical module will train your wife to meet all your expectations in the bedroom department. Whatever you want she will do for you. We will pick up a trainer with a body type similar to that of your (usually it will be from your profession and race). He will train you wife for two weeks in different positions, so that she is not clueless in the bedroom when married. In fact she will know much more than what her ex-boyfriend taught her.

physical

Monetary

Money is really important for happiness. Without money, there can be no happiness. Hence, we will teach your wife how to manage the funds given to her. She needs to realize that after marriage she will have to maintain a perfect balance of being a good house wife and looking good for her husband. You don’t want an ugly hag around you. Depending on your salary, we will give her money every morning. Our shopping activities will help her develop her brain in such a way that she spends the right amount on groceries and cosmetics. At the end of the day she should have saved enough money to buy a gift for you every month, for your love and care. If the wife is working, we will make sure that she voluntarily transfers all her salary to you and manages her day in the funds allocated by you.

WomenandMoney

We will teach her how to keep quiet!!!

The problem with girls is that they talk a lot. This is not something limited to modern day girls. Even the cave women used to talk. In fact they never stopped talking, that’s why the men had to go hunting. The women could not go hunting, because they never stopped talking and the prey would run away. We don’t want this jibber jabber to destroy your India v/s Pakistan cricket match or married life, in that order. So we have special duct tape sessions where we train the women to accept defeat in an argument and eventually keep quiet. Peace will prevail!!!

womenquiet

Why Looney Darindey?

This programme is specially designed by the married and divorced men for the ‘to be married’ men. Our consultants know your problems and some know the solutions too. Our programme is designed in such a way that you have sufficient time between your engagement and marriage. In fact this fits perfectly in the E-T-M Methodology (Engage Train and Marry). It can also be customized as per the man’s wishes and the race of the female species. We have built this with a ‘client first’ or a ‘husband first’ mind set, which ensures that you are the one who stays in charge. Most importantly, this comes with a warranty!!! If you are not happy with her, we can do this training again, free of cost!!!

women

Remember,

When you cannot chain her, train her!!!

To learn more about the programme, reach out to us at looneydarindey@gmail.com.

 

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Why Indian parents make kids?

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Why Indian parents make kids?

In India after few years into the marriage, if you do not squeeze one out, questions may be raised along with fat eyebrows. Doubts on manhood and fading hopes of achieving complete womanhood go hand in hand. A married couple in India is treated like a toaster. If the toast doesn’t pop out within first two three years, people think, “Short circuit ho gaya hoga!!!” (There must be a short circuit i.e. some problem with the couple). Letting other people take important decisions like these is kind of our thing. So, when you choose your life partner, without prior approval from your cousin aunt’s step mother-in-law, you may be treated like a dirty laundry. Still, when it comes to bringing a brand new asshole in this stinking shit pot of a world, the decision should be completely yours. Irrespective of the fact whether it is voluntary or not, why do Indian parents need kids in the first place.

1. To come first in the class

Indian parents are obsessed with kids coming first in the class.

Spelling Bee

So much so that they forget only one among 60-70 kids can come first in the class. If the kid does not come first, father thinks that he belongs to his wife’s ex-boyfriend and mother thinks it’s the mechanic. He is threatened to be thrown into a boarding school, but that threat never materializes as they fear that the kid may turn into a homosexual. This pressure of coming first finally pays off, only for men, unfortunately after marriage in the bed. You can deal with this pressure by watching the following video…

2. To buy ice-cream on a Sunday afternoon

Remember how on Sunday after that heavy meal your mom had cooked, your father usually sent you out to get ice-cream. This was one time you were useful to your family as a kid. What’s better than an ice-cream after a quickie? More importantly they had to see less of you for 5 minutes.

ice cream

3. Same reason why Europeans needed slaves

So daddy is fixing a lamp, but is too lazy to go to the kitchen and get the wooden stool. The fact is that he is afraid and wants to avoid confrontation with mom. He suddenly starts feeling like a roman king and sends his gladiator to go get it for him. You run like a dog behind a ball and get the stool or whatever he wants. At times I think, the kids provide the only chance for our parents to live the life of a Roman emperor. They can just make 4-5 kids, throw the bread and let them fight for it.Maa ki Slave4. Learn a new musical instrument, dance or entertain the guests

I learnt Tabla, my cousin sister learnt harmonium and my blind cousin knows singing. Now we may sound like one of those musical groups in the Mumbai local, “Pardesi…Pardesi” or “Dil diwana bin sajna ke maane na and all that”, but trust me we are not. We are more of the “Hum ko mann ki Shakti dena” and all that type. Once you learn an art form, you become the official courtesan of your family. Be ready to demonstrate your art in front of the guests, with a smile on your face. After all, it is because of them that you are getting to eat in the new ‘mehmanowali’ (for guests) plates.

courtesanindian

5. Answer the door and phone calls for your father

You are not a true daughter or son, if you are not the first one to run for the door.

doorbell

Every time the bell rang, it meant hope. Someone is here to rescue you, but they all turned out to be nothing but politicians with empty promises, who became boring within first 5 minutes. Be first to answer the phone, as you are the one who screens the calls. Of course these were the days of landline, in the days of mobile, your only job is to help your mother find out whether your dad is making out with the secretary or drinking with his friends.

6. Fulfill their unfulfilled dreams

If your parents’ dreams are X, on an average .3X dreams are fulfilled. Now it’s your job to fulfil 1.3X of the dreams. This unfortunately leaves very little space for your own dreams to be fulfilled. A lot of kids in this country spend decades figuring out what the fuck their dreams are, other than those which make them wet their pants in childhood, puberty and youth. Irrespective of how poor or how rich you are, your parents expect you to fulfil their dreams, just like your parents fulfilled your grandparents’. It is a vicious cycle of the glorious Indian society, where we are not allowed to dream, but told to dream. Our parents would rather want us to be Wasim Jaffer and fulfil their Ranji dreams, than become Sachin Tendulkar and shine like a real star. Some say that there are different levels of dreams. If that is true, we are still struggling to enter the first one.

dream

When you bring a new creature in this world, you bring a mind that can think and act on its own. The more you want him/her to be an impression of your own, the more he/she limits the ability to think. The less you control, the happier they will be, a bit like the helium balloon. Stop treating your kids like a glorified puppy. Let them think. Let them question everything around them, including your actions.

Be brave and let them be brave.

Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

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Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

In Indian society, extra marital affairs are generally frowned upon. Especially if it is done by a woman, but there are few reasons, why it is fine for a married woman to get into an extra marital affair.

  1. Unmarried women can’t get into extra marital affairs

The strange fact about extra marital affairs is that unmarried women cannot get into an extra marital affair. Marriage is a prerequisite for extra marital affairs. I know this may sound weird, but extra marital affairs function like an elitist club, where only married men or women are allowed. Yes, people can have affairs with unmarried people, still for them, it will only be an affair. In order to make it an extra marital affair, they need to first marry and continue the affair. So tomorrow, if you want your daughter to get into an extra marital affair, first get her married and then find her a nice extra marital match.

married

  1. It is done after marriage…

An extra marital affair has to be consummated for it to be considered a legal extra marital affair. Till then the girl is to be considered loyal to her husband. Now the real question is why is it not wrong to do this? The answer is pretty simple – “Because it is after marriage”. In India, pre-marital sex is considered as a blasphemy, but post marriage, it is considered totally fine. Imagine, your daughter banging the mechanic before marriage, it will not be Sanskaari at all, but after marriage, it should not be much of a problem, because it is not premarital sex. Also, after marriage, if the girl is caught having extra marital affair with the milkman or your husband’s friend or something, it would be her in-laws fault, because after marriage, they are her parents. So it will be very easy for her parents to pass on the blame to her in-laws saying, “Haaw, aapki beti kahan mooh kala karke aa gayi!!!” You know as they say, “Offence is the best Defense”

premar

  1. Because it is free!!!

Extra marital affairs are free of cost. In India, we love things that are free. I mean “Ek ke saath ek free”, i.e. “one on one free” is what gives the women real long lasting orgasms. So between Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Varma, the smarter housewife will be the one with extra marital affair, because she knows the importance of free. Only she can be a good mother and daughter in law in long run.

BOGO

  1. Makes her good at multi-tasking

Women are good at multi-tasking as per the feminists, but this skill can get way better with an extra marital affair. A women who can successfully keep two men happy can truly be awesome at managing the house and take care of lot of kids in future. An average Indian mom is supposed to have 4 kids. Taking care of four kids is not easy, especially if they are boys. Hence, it is important that the girl gets into an extra marital affair early in her married life. This will train her for challenges of future and help her get a better understanding of men.

multitask

  1. Makes her better at physical love

Physical love can be a challenging task, especially in India, where we have a lot of mosquitoes. To counter the mosquitoes and bed bugs etc. it is important for the girl to have an extra man to practice this with. The logic is simple – If you want your wife to cook new things, you send her to a cookery class, but if you want your wife to try new things in bed, send her to someone who can teach her that.

Physical Love

  1. Good for girl’s parents

Today is a time full of stress and problems. So don’t expect the marriages to last long. Also, there are chances that your daughter or son-in-law or both may not live long. An extra marital affair by the daughter ensures that you get a back-up to the back-up son i.e. back-up son in law. So don’t worry who will change your diapers, when you start wetting your bed, because you have taken 3 levels of precautions – daughter, son-in-law and back-up son-in law.

indianparents

To summarize, extra marital affairs are a very human thing to do. Have you ever seen cats or dogs or crickets having extra marital affairs? No, because it is only for the supreme species called homo-sapiens. If your daughter grows up and asks you, mom how many extra marital affairs you had, what answer can you give her? Who will take care of your parents, if for some reason you and your current husband are not around?

These are some serious questions and demand serious answers. You don’t have to look too far, just look around you, “This  special one” might be way closer than you think. So next time your husband’s boss makes a naughty comment, or the milk man shows up without a t-shirt or plumber accidentally makes you wet, do not ignore as he might be your prince “Extra Charming!!!

specialone

You won’t believe what this Kuwaiti scholar says about beating wives!!!

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You won’t believe what this Kuwaiti scholar says about beating wives!!!

Introduction: Jassem Al-Mutawa is a Kuwaiti scholar and is the president of Iqra satellite channel; an Islamic TV channel presenting programs on everyday life problems concerning spiritual, cultural, social and economic issues from a modern Islamic perspective.

Description: The show starts with Jassem Al-Mutawa holding three long rods and saying, “Today we discuss imposing discipline in the family”.  He is asking the audience, which rod can be used to impose discipline in the family and then carefully examines different rods in his hands.

He says, “Family disciplining is the right of the husband toward his wife, and vice versa.”

There are some hilarious quotes in here, such as,

“Now let’s take a look together at this big rod here” followed by, “Someone said to me, I have a long rod at home and whenever my wife does something wrong, look what I do to her with this rod”.

A few minutes into the show, out of nowhere appears, Dr. Mahmoud Al-Hajj, who says, “The steering wheel of the family is in the hands of the husband.”

“Men are the guardians of women” He also explains his progressive framework for dealing with a “rebellious wife”, where he clearly distinguishes between harsh and non-harsh beatings, but makes clear that “One must not hit a women’s face”. He also states that beatings are OK, but the ones that cause fractures and wounds are not good. The funniest part is, “a wife does not need to use her hands to beat the husband, because women are weaker than men.”

Some other highlights of this super hilarious show and some life changing quotes are mentioned below:

  1. Husband should beat his wife with a handkerchief – Ibn Abbas
  2. Husband should beat his wife with a toothpick – Other Scholars
  3. Woman is built weaker than the man – Jassem

Conclusion: The conclusion (as per the video) here is, one should not beat his wife with the intention of being mean or revenge, but to communicate a message that he is not pleased with his behavior. “Start being yourself and be good.”

In the end, Jassem states few statistics, such as in the USA every 12 seconds a husband beats his wife, some of which also result in death. So before the west criticizes them for wife beating they should check their own facts.

He also states that the only cure for sadism and masochism is “Beatings!”. He says, “If a man is married to a woman suffering from sadism – let him beat her.”

Our View: Even though Jassem provides a very balanced view of “Wife Beating”, we despise the idea of wife beating in the first place. We think it is a bullshit practice, as a man has no right over a woman’s body. We do not want to hurt any religion, but beating women is for cowards and not men. Please do not beat your wives. If you notice a man beating a woman, don’t just stand there, stop him immediately.