Category Archives: humour

The day we finally meet aliens!!!

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The day we finally meet aliens!!!

So, we are always excited about the Extra Terrestrial, right? Since childhood we have been going around thinking, what if life exists on planet other than ours. If yes, how will that be? Obviously we are just at the beginning of the technological advances needed for successful exploration. I mean the distances we need to travel are huge and all this effort based on mere guesswork will be nothing more than a waste of time, money and whatever little life we have. Still, we have come far away from Aristotle’s earth being the center of the universe theory. Copernicus debunked that, but we still haven’t been able to figure out the correct spelling of center. We would leave that up to the British and Americans, because both claim to be the guardians of the world, who can solve all the problems. Some may say that space exploration is cow dung as earth has its own set of problems and we should take care of them, before we mess up the outer space, but these problems and our inability to solve them can be a major reason for our obsession with space exploration.

Last month when comet Oumuamua passed earth, obviously, the level of intrigue was damn high. Now scientists are claiming, it could have been a giant space ship. If it is still considered a decent thing to trust websites like Daily Mail, one scientist has said that may be this cigar shaped comet is an alien ship with broken engines stumbling through our solar system.

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Oumuamua (artist impression)  Photograph: ESO/M Kornmesser/PA

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-5175235/Oumuamua-alien-probe-BROKEN-engines.html#i-b1818f0f673369c6

Some have debunked this by claiming that to be a rebellious alien pilot’s drunken voyage. This said, the question of space travel and us earthling’s obsession is self-centered. We always think that either we are looking for aliens or they are looking for us. What if the aliens are simply travelling and we are scaring them off with our signals? Imagine yourself driving on a highway or freeway, late in the night (in space travel it might not matter if it’s day or night), but in real life, night time driving is far more exciting. Especially when you are alone and there is no sign of civilization things can get a little creepy if not scary. On such a creepy road, if some strange creatures, the kind you have never seen before start frantically waving at you, would you stop? Half of us get scared when dogs chase us, leave alone humans. So should we deploy ships like dogs to chase alien space ships running around? Why should we waste time looking for others when we can just declare that everything belongs to us?

One major question that keeps bothering me is, what we intend to accomplish by communicating with aliens is still unclear? Apart from the most obvious language barrier, we would not know how to relate with them? So when we meet any of the brothers from another mother or galaxy, what are we going to discuss? What is our readiness? Do we have a questionnaire ready? Or do we start with the usual “Hey??? ASL???”. After first 5 minutes, we will be pretty much staring at the ceiling. The only way this can happen is if we meet the aliens at a restaurant that serves alcohol. It’s only then we can probably get into meaningful conversations and understand the cultures better. All this without any butt probes or cavity search.

So, next time the scientists spot a cigar shaped comet, which they confuse with an alien ship, it’s time to put up those Free Alcohol neon signs and clean your beer or whiskey glasses. They might be coming for us. If that is the case, then let’s face them better drunk than sober.

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Dear USA – Elections are just the beginning!!!

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Dear USA – Elections are just the beginning!!!

Dear United States of America,

By the time you read this, the 2016 Presidential elections must have been over, or you might be on your way to cast your vote or might just be hanging out somewhere not giving a shit about all this.  Many of you might be relieved that the elections are finally over, but it will be foolish to say that everything will go back to normal. With the conclusion of these elections, the game has just begun.Breaking News – The ugly game has just begun with these elections. 

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First of all, congratulations on the 2nd most divisive elections of the century. You have now achieved something we accomplished back in 2014. The Hillary v/s Trump battle must have been a shock for you, but for us Indians, it was a wonderful retrospection. Before 2014, we did not know that we could have been so divided. Unity in diversity was our strength, but in 2014 all of our diversity was divided into two parts. Something on the lines of – The Right Wingers and The Liberals. These divisions have always been there in your society, but this time it is more like, “If you are not with me, screw you, your mum and your chef” divided. These two sections of the society claim that they unconditionally love the nation as long as you believe in ‘their idea of the nation’. I have been unfriended by my so called liberal friends because, in 2014, I supported the political party with a more right wing inclination. I never wanted to silence the voices of my pro-left friends, because unless we hear opposing voices, we cannot correct ourselves and also they are way cooler than my right wing friends to hang out with. Now I get a feeling that our society has been deeply fractured and the damage is irreparable. I see something similar happening in the USA and no matter who comes to power unless you get a hold of yourself or to put in a language you would understand, “Unless you get your shit together” matters are just going to get worse. 

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My Indian friends often ridicule fellow Indians who are interested in the US elections, but then we have every right to do so. The USA for a long time has been acting like that plumber, in a porn movie, who claims to help you, but instead screws you wife and leaves. It is USA’s increasing interference in other nations that makes us feel interested in your elections. Even though we had our own election two years back and it was tiring one, still watching you guys have a go at each other is a wonderful reminder of the old days. 

Why are the two elections similar?

In 2014, we had an incumbent ruling party i.e. Indian National Congress (INC) that was corrupt, inefficient and to some extent totally useless. The traditional right-wing party, “Bharatiya Janata Party” has had its series of brief love affairs with the Indian people, but a lack of strong leadership usually kept them away from the centre. In 2014, they found really strong and decisive leader in Narendra Modi, who was viewed  by Indians as a ‘Messiah’ to end the domination of corrupt INC. The BJP supporters took their support to social media platforms, which initially was met with no opposition, as people seriously had no time to give a shit about politics earlier. Soon this support turned almost into an uprising, and opposing voices realised that they need to do something. They revived the old rhetoric of ‘2002 Gujarat Riots’ and started holding the then Chief Minister of Gujarat directly responsible for the riots and killing of thousands of Muslims. In the meanwhile, the right started bashing Congress and anyone supporting them with charges of corruption. Both sides were shamelessly going at each other. So the fight that started as someone v/s the corrupt incumbent government, changed to ‘Corrupt and Useless Incumbent’ v/s ‘Rise of the Right Wing Bigot’. Rings a bell???

Obama administration might not be as bad as the Indian National Congress because no one can be as bad as Indian National Congress. Still, there are serious charges against Hillary Clinton, who is in a way representing the incumbent administration. Their foreign policies have got the world into a sort of a mini shit storm. People in the US are not happy with the quality of jobs, even these jobs are being taken away by immigrants, so there is some anger which was leveraged by Donald Trump to build a strong case against the government. His comments against Muslims and Mexicans created an image of a bigot but seen by his supporters as someone who is truly patriotic. He has successfully revived the feelings of nationalism amongst his supporters. Hillary’s pro-immigration stand just acted like fuel to this fire. The Pro-Hindu message by Modi government was literally copied by Donald Trump. 

The Mischevious Role of Media:

Media is said to be a reflection of the society, but in 2014, this mirror was broken for us and everyone saw their own version of the reflection. Media channels had taken sides.

They have adjusted the amplifiers and filters as per their inclination. Normally it’s the government that does the brainwashing, but during Indian elections, every political outfit was doing it. Brainwashing by media was had turned the common man into brain bashers. Social media in the times of this political chaos acts like the rat that deserts the sinking ship. You know the shit has hit the fan when memes turn political. Before 2014, I logged in to Facebook because it was a fun place to hang out, so was twitter. After 2014 elections, I moved to the sites in the US, because Indian websites and social media pages had all turned political. American pages were doing just fine until Hillary bought them off (at least the pages I follow). Websites like Mashable, Uproxx and even individuals like George Takei started showing a political bias, which left me clueless, ‘where to next’. Thank god for Xvideos, which is still not political and should continue to remain so. 

Things just get worse from here!!! 

By the time you read this, you might have already known who the President is, but this is just the beginning. It does not get over with the elections. It gets scarier and deadlier. The losing side starts taking it personally and goes into a rage. The rational criticism of the government turns into blind criticism. This is countered by blind support and faith in the government. This makes a perfect recipe for disaster. The chain of events can lead to the kind of explosion which won’t hurt physically but is mentally taxing and injurious to the society. 

hilarrymodi

I have never seen a society more vocal, more associating themselves with the politicians. Earlier, I thought the politicians divided us, but in 2014 it was pretty clear that they were just highlighting or exposing the differences amongst us and we took care of the rest. People I have liked, I have been close friends with started looking at me as a monster, I started hating them too, but this idea of listening to the opposing voices is deeply programmed in my DNA, thanks to the ass whooping given by my teachers in the school, that’s why I did not block them or unfriend them. Unfortunately, they have. I see the Americans going down a similar road. You cannot recover soon unless you make efforts to do so. With this blog, I want to request my Indian and American friends to get together and restore some sanity in the society. Let us show the governments and anyone else, that they cannot divide us any further. Let us show them that people with opposing views can exist. Let us pick the best and progress rather that saying that I am the best and that’s the only way we can progress. 

Let’s love, let’s talk, let’s listen and most importantly let’s think!!! 

monkey

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: Khaleesi Gains weight as Arya goes begging!!!

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Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: Khaleesi Gains weight as Arya goes begging!!!

Game of Thrones is back. It’s like happy new year for all the Game of Thrones fans, or is it?? If you are not based out of the US, there is a high probability that you have not seen this episode yet, so beware of the spoilers ahead.

Parts of Season 6 episode 1, “The Red Woman” leave an impression that it is copied from a lot of Hollywood or even Bollywood movies and obviously there is enough stereotyping to make cats look cute.

  1. Arya is Blind

We all know that Arya was blinded in the Season 5 Finale. She lost her eyesight and they made here do what all blind people do? Beg!!!

Arya Beggar.jpg

I mean they could have easily helped her start a Telephone booth (or in this case raven booth) out of the government’s disabled or blind quota. Still, they left her begging in the streets of Bravos. Then comes her co-masseuse bitch from the ‘Man Needs Face’ spa, who wants to fight Arya. She starts beating the shit out of Arya as if she wants to train her. This clearly reminded me of Ajay Devgan’s Jigar, (which itself is copied from Bloodsport).

 

2. Wheelchair Doran

From the beating of blind people to killing of lame people. Doran Martell an otherwise peaceful character was murdered by Ellaria Sand (played by Indira Varma) without much of a reason. Just imagine the plight of Alexander Siddig, someone must have told him, “You are there in season 6. Only for 2 minutes in the first episode. You read a letter and are stabbed to death.”

Also, why kill him when you can just take his wheelchair away? How far he could have gone???

As I saw him sitting in his wheelchair, I couldn’t help but think, if Game of Thrones was real history, this could have been one of the first wheelchairs. Then I asked myself, why was the first wheelchair ever invented? Wheel is fine, but wheelchair, why?? How many disabled or paralyzed people it took for someone to think, “What if we make a chair with wheels? We can just let those without legs roll. We can also go lame bowling.”

3. Jaime screws up big-time

Jaime Lannister returned unsuccessfully from Dorne, as Myrcella was poisoned. Yeah, he might have brought her in one piece, but that was surely not the deal. As a married man, I was shit scared. If I mess up the grocery list, my wife treats me like a shopping cart and drags me to the mall and makes me watch her shop. Though Cersei is not Jaime’s wife, but we all know how unreasonable she can be. Even here, she is totally unpredictable. We thought she will go all Pearl Harbour on Jaime, but no, she is super calm and gentle. Thankfully, Jaime didn’t ask her, “What happened to your hair???”, else he would have to start using that gold hand more often.

JaimeandCersei

4. Khaleesi Gains Weight!!!

Khaleesi has gained weight. Khaleesi was picked up by Drogon and dropped off at a random land, where Dothrakis take her to the new Khal Moro. She is still trying to play the “Mother of Dragon” card and is equally annoying. The only difference is she has put on weight. We don’t know the reason. Drogon might have been firing up the barbeque for her, but Khaleesi’s slightly heavier look is of concern. If she ever gets to sit on the iron throne, she should at least fit in it. I hope she loses weight at the Khal Widow Women’s Association or the KWMM (Khal Widhwa Mahila Mandal).

khaleesifat

5. Melisandre is the bathtub lady from “The Shining”

We were hoping that Melisandre does something to him. She does come back and show us the first pair of titties for season 6, but the joy was short-lived. It is clearly inspired from Kubrick’s ‘The Shining’ where a pretty hot lady turns into an old hag as she kisses Jack Nicholson.

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The big kept secret is still a secret. Is Jon Snow really dead? I mean he is almost, but why aren’t they destroying the body yet??? Bury him, burn him, but do something. He is not doing anything just lying down there. Everyone says he is dead, but unless they destroy his body completely, there is still hope.

jonsnow

Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

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Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

There are two types of pregnancies in the world. The ones that make you buy a new car and the others that make you look for the nearest dumpster. Thanks to the current Indian prime minister’s cleanliness drive, it has become real easy for us Indians to find the nearest dumpster. Also, he is from Gujarat, so girls think getting pregnant is going to get them a Padma Award or something, in reality, all they are going to get is a girl or boy, who they can call Padma Shri or Padma Bhushan based on the gender. If it is something in between, you can just dump it, without even looking for a name or a bag.

UnplannedPregnancy

Recently my father’s friend came home crying, “Hey, my daughter got pregnant. What has she done? How will she get married now?” I said, “Don’t give up uncle, what if it’s a boy???”

In Indian society, an accidental pregnancy is considered blasphemy. Ideally, any pregnancy should be considered evil. I mean, we already have over a billion people and one less idiot is not going to hurt us. The moment, someone uploads a picture of their newborn on Facebook, I feel like writing, “Amen!!! Don’t worry Jesus will cure him.” The rate at which we are growing, I think sanitary pads are soon going out of business. It feels like a dream world full of spread legs and swollen bellies.

Why girls get accidentally pregnant?

kyakehna

Here is a strange law of nature, ‘Guys cannot get pregnant!!!’. The one who owns the oven bakes the cookies. Also, most boys are like the arrogant rich kid with the bat. “Meri batting ho gayi mai ghar jaa raha hoon!!!” (I am going home after I am done with my batting). Then begins the long wait for the next kid with the bat.

Is accidental pregnancy really that bad?

Few years back, a good friend of mine asked me for some relationship advice. She loved a guy who loved her back. She wanted to marry him, but her parents were against the marriage. I gave her the perfect solution, “Get pregnant!!!” At first, she thought it was a crazy idea, but later she realized that this is the only way out (or into the marriage). Once she accepted the idea. she got married. Now she is a successful single mom, as her husband married her and then dumped her (divorced her).

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Accidental pregnancy has its own benefits:

  1. It takes away the need to make stupid decisions, like whether I should get married or not, whom do I marry and when to get married? Because answers are simple – Yes, any guy available, and immediately in that order.
  2. Your parents get a solid reason to hate you.
  3. You prove to the world that you can make the babies. You might not have control over it, but still you can make it. It’s like Islamic terrorists who end up blowing themselves while trying to kill others and then get the fame as suicide bombers.

How to handle an accidental pregnancy??

It’s not easy to handle an accidental pregnancy unless you get knocked up every time you drink. Accidental pregnancy gets a bad name because the girls break the news to their parents as if someone accidentally added extra salt while cooking.

preity

There is no need to be upset now when you acted recklessly (read like a slut) then. Carry that bundle of joy (and shame) with pride. If that doesn’t work, then leave town, make that baby and then look for the nearest dumpster.

Life is complicated and accidents happen, but always remember, accidents never make useful babies or the leaders of tomorrow. Accidental pregnancies like recruitment HR cell for gangsters, criminals, politicians and terrorists. So next time you feel naughty, bathe in ice water or use the forbidden hole (loophole) unless accidental is what you are looking for.

Don’t just think about yourself, think about the guy whose life can be destroyed, especially if you are not worth it. Remember, accidents happen, but don’t be one of them.

Accidental pregnancy is bad, but let’s not blow it out of proportion!!!

 

 

Cow sucked my duck!!!

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Cow sucked my duck!!!

India for last one and half years has been debating. In fact that’s the only thing we can do anymore. Anything and everything is up for debate. A debate is supposed to enlighten us, but these debates give us ammunition to strengthen our ignorance. Once such raging topic of debate last year was Beef Ban.

The right wing Hindu cow lovers have claimed that cow is their mother. The beef eaters say that she is not a mother, just a burger. Cows and men, both have died for the cause, but we have still not arrived at a conclusion. There is no scientific evidence to prove that cow is our mother. Gorillas have better chances of being our mother, not because they are hairy, but because they have visible boobs and they peel bananas before eating. The following video can be sensitive to many, but it is important to show this to the world. This exposes the hollowness of the claims of Hindu right wing groups, who try to threaten people with Shankar bhagwaan’s (Lord Shiva’s) trishul. Beef eaters think it is just a fork that can  be used to eat Kerala Beef Chilly!!! What the cow does in this video is absolutely blasphemous. Does this behaviour suit a mother? Would you still love her if she does something like this???

To protect the identity of the cow, we have changed her name to ‘Champa’!!!

 

How to get an obedient wife???

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How to get an obedient wife???

Marriage can be tougher than you think. It is like swimming naked in a pool on a nice sunny day, but with some sharks and crocodiles hanging around. Many people think that marriage will put an end to all the problems in your life. If this was true then every married couple would have been like Jack and Jill who went up the hill to do naughty things.

jack and jill

The fact is that marriage is the beginning of all the problems. Marriage is like a long train journey, where you are stuck with a Sindhi/Guajarati family with Aaloo, Mooli ke parathe in their tiffin box. You know that when that fart catalysing food goes in the late night explosions are going to transform your train compartment into a gas chamber. At times, I think if Hitler had discovered Guajarati food, he would have easily doubled the number. Now that we have re-established the fact that marriage is a dangerous but unavoidable calamity, it is important that you are well equipped for this.

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The traditional way of approaching things is to change yourself, but we at Looney Darindey believe in thinking out of the bottle. Instead of changing yourself, train your wife. Train your wife does not mean having multiple wives and asking them to form a human train. We leave that to ISIS. It actually means, methodically modifying the behaviour of your fiancée/girlfriend so that she becomes an excellent wife. Women are coded and nurtured in a particular way, which has a major impact on the way they interact with other people. As we know, it is important for a man that his wife behaves the way he wants, we have developed techniques that make your wife obedient to her master’s wishes.

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Why is it important to train the wife?

Every man has a lifestyle which gets adversely and drastically impacted when a woman enters his life. In most cases, this happens because of compatibility issues. Wives in recent times have shown great stubbornness to mend their ways after marriage, which leads to chaos and at times tempts men into violence, which cannot be completely justified.

‘Train your Wife’ is not just a business, but also our social responsibility.

The dreams that a couple has at the time of marriage can get destroyed, thanks to the unreasonable demands made by women, and in some cases men. So it is important that you train your wife to suit you and your family needs/demands.

trainyourwife

What we focus on?

Compatibility can be in different areas, which can be mainly classified as – Behavioural, Physical and Monetary. When a couple enrols in our programme, we take full charge of female and put her through our intensive 7 weeks training module.

Training

Behavioural

Girls these days don’t know how to behave. Modern day marriages often involves a lot of socializing. Girls must know how to change their behaviour with respect to the surroundings. The idea is that this should be in line with expectations of the man. We will train the wife in such a way that you can control her degree of openness when she is with your friends, colleagues or boss. Most importantly, we will make sure that she is not an embarrassment for you.

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Physical

Physical compatibility is a must between husband and wife. Our physical module will train your wife to meet all your expectations in the bedroom department. Whatever you want she will do for you. We will pick up a trainer with a body type similar to that of your (usually it will be from your profession and race). He will train you wife for two weeks in different positions, so that she is not clueless in the bedroom when married. In fact she will know much more than what her ex-boyfriend taught her.

physical

Monetary

Money is really important for happiness. Without money, there can be no happiness. Hence, we will teach your wife how to manage the funds given to her. She needs to realize that after marriage she will have to maintain a perfect balance of being a good house wife and looking good for her husband. You don’t want an ugly hag around you. Depending on your salary, we will give her money every morning. Our shopping activities will help her develop her brain in such a way that she spends the right amount on groceries and cosmetics. At the end of the day she should have saved enough money to buy a gift for you every month, for your love and care. If the wife is working, we will make sure that she voluntarily transfers all her salary to you and manages her day in the funds allocated by you.

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We will teach her how to keep quiet!!!

The problem with girls is that they talk a lot. This is not something limited to modern day girls. Even the cave women used to talk. In fact they never stopped talking, that’s why the men had to go hunting. The women could not go hunting, because they never stopped talking and the prey would run away. We don’t want this jibber jabber to destroy your India v/s Pakistan cricket match or married life, in that order. So we have special duct tape sessions where we train the women to accept defeat in an argument and eventually keep quiet. Peace will prevail!!!

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Why Looney Darindey?

This programme is specially designed by the married and divorced men for the ‘to be married’ men. Our consultants know your problems and some know the solutions too. Our programme is designed in such a way that you have sufficient time between your engagement and marriage. In fact this fits perfectly in the E-T-M Methodology (Engage Train and Marry). It can also be customized as per the man’s wishes and the race of the female species. We have built this with a ‘client first’ or a ‘husband first’ mind set, which ensures that you are the one who stays in charge. Most importantly, this comes with a warranty!!! If you are not happy with her, we can do this training again, free of cost!!!

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Remember,

When you cannot chain her, train her!!!

To learn more about the programme, reach out to us at looneydarindey@gmail.com.

 

The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

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The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Long long ago, there was a prince, who didn’t like food.

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He despised it more than kids despised mathematics. Top of his hate list was milk, which I doubt comes from something as sweet as a cow. (FYI: I haven’t tasted a cow). He hated food worse than the biggest bully at his school. Queen mother tried a lot of new things, but there is only this much you can do with a Phool Gobi (cauliflower) or Patta Gobi (cabbage).

Aloo-Patta-Gobi-Curry

The  queen mother spent a lot of time learning new things, which made her really busy and late to go to bed. So obviously daddy i.e. the king got angry, because that was eating into daddy’s time for his good night stories. Everyday mommy and daddy used to dress up like characters from Panchatantra and tell each other stories, but never invited the prince.

panchatantra-terrorist

Prince’s food tantrums were not helping the case and his daddy really got upset. Until one day, queen mommy discovered a red and yellow packet. She said it was god sent. The packet said that the food will be ready in 2 minutes, but it took ages to come to the table.  Prince carefully took the first bite. As the gooey noodles made their way into the prince’s mouth, the tiny prince travelled into an alternate universe. The queen mother realized – “If sex was for daddy, this was for the prince!!!” The thing that would fill the void left behind by breast milk was to be fulfilled by Queen Mother’s new found love Maggi.

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As the prince grew up, Maggi became an inseparable part of the family. That packet of Maggi was like a fairy tale. The day the prince came early from an examination, it was there. The day the prince got beaten up and pissed all over him by the bullies at school, it was there, The day it rained, it was there.

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In short, it was always there, but never did the prince get bored of it. At times it was an incentive for the prince to complete his homework on time. Slowly as the prince grew further to become a 3rd degree turd of a teenager, the love for Maggi only grew stronger. Hot girls and Maggi – that’s all that the prince could think of. Sadly, Maggi was the only thing accessible.

preity maggi

The King was a creative thinker and liked innovation in the bedroom. The king and his ministers used to try out new things and discuss the next morning during the lunch break. Sadly, the queen was not willing to try new things.  She loved dominating in the bedroom, but the creativity was missing. King had nothing new to discuss and the same new missionary tales were becoming less amusing by the day. He knew that his ministers laughed only because he was the king. So one day, when the king wanted to replace the traditional metal windows with the sliding windows, the queen demanded three wish coupons in lieu. Queen used the first one to make a son and the second won to buy exotic lingerie. She kept the third wish in her blouse and told the king she will be revealing it later. The day had finally arrived and queen was about to reveal.

One of the king’s ministers had clearly stated that noodles are aphrodisiac and the queen mother did not want her kid to grow up to become Shakti Kapoor, so she decided to use her third wish.

Shakti-Kapoor

The King came back from work all pissed. To keep the son busy, she made him Maggi, but to keep the king busy, she had to do a little more. She dressed like Kunika from the old Hindi movies.

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Queen ordered food from king’s favorite restaurant. She also got the king some ice cream and made sweet sweet love to him. When the king was completely under her spell, she told him, dude, let’s send the prince to boarding school.

To be continued…

Why Indian parents make kids?

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Why Indian parents make kids?

In India after few years into the marriage, if you do not squeeze one out, questions may be raised along with fat eyebrows. Doubts on manhood and fading hopes of achieving complete womanhood go hand in hand. A married couple in India is treated like a toaster. If the toast doesn’t pop out within first two three years, people think, “Short circuit ho gaya hoga!!!” (There must be a short circuit i.e. some problem with the couple). Letting other people take important decisions like these is kind of our thing. So, when you choose your life partner, without prior approval from your cousin aunt’s step mother-in-law, you may be treated like a dirty laundry. Still, when it comes to bringing a brand new asshole in this stinking shit pot of a world, the decision should be completely yours. Irrespective of the fact whether it is voluntary or not, why do Indian parents need kids in the first place.

1. To come first in the class

Indian parents are obsessed with kids coming first in the class.

Spelling Bee

So much so that they forget only one among 60-70 kids can come first in the class. If the kid does not come first, father thinks that he belongs to his wife’s ex-boyfriend and mother thinks it’s the mechanic. He is threatened to be thrown into a boarding school, but that threat never materializes as they fear that the kid may turn into a homosexual. This pressure of coming first finally pays off, only for men, unfortunately after marriage in the bed. You can deal with this pressure by watching the following video…

2. To buy ice-cream on a Sunday afternoon

Remember how on Sunday after that heavy meal your mom had cooked, your father usually sent you out to get ice-cream. This was one time you were useful to your family as a kid. What’s better than an ice-cream after a quickie? More importantly they had to see less of you for 5 minutes.

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3. Same reason why Europeans needed slaves

So daddy is fixing a lamp, but is too lazy to go to the kitchen and get the wooden stool. The fact is that he is afraid and wants to avoid confrontation with mom. He suddenly starts feeling like a roman king and sends his gladiator to go get it for him. You run like a dog behind a ball and get the stool or whatever he wants. At times I think, the kids provide the only chance for our parents to live the life of a Roman emperor. They can just make 4-5 kids, throw the bread and let them fight for it.Maa ki Slave4. Learn a new musical instrument, dance or entertain the guests

I learnt Tabla, my cousin sister learnt harmonium and my blind cousin knows singing. Now we may sound like one of those musical groups in the Mumbai local, “Pardesi…Pardesi” or “Dil diwana bin sajna ke maane na and all that”, but trust me we are not. We are more of the “Hum ko mann ki Shakti dena” and all that type. Once you learn an art form, you become the official courtesan of your family. Be ready to demonstrate your art in front of the guests, with a smile on your face. After all, it is because of them that you are getting to eat in the new ‘mehmanowali’ (for guests) plates.

courtesanindian

5. Answer the door and phone calls for your father

You are not a true daughter or son, if you are not the first one to run for the door.

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Every time the bell rang, it meant hope. Someone is here to rescue you, but they all turned out to be nothing but politicians with empty promises, who became boring within first 5 minutes. Be first to answer the phone, as you are the one who screens the calls. Of course these were the days of landline, in the days of mobile, your only job is to help your mother find out whether your dad is making out with the secretary or drinking with his friends.

6. Fulfill their unfulfilled dreams

If your parents’ dreams are X, on an average .3X dreams are fulfilled. Now it’s your job to fulfil 1.3X of the dreams. This unfortunately leaves very little space for your own dreams to be fulfilled. A lot of kids in this country spend decades figuring out what the fuck their dreams are, other than those which make them wet their pants in childhood, puberty and youth. Irrespective of how poor or how rich you are, your parents expect you to fulfil their dreams, just like your parents fulfilled your grandparents’. It is a vicious cycle of the glorious Indian society, where we are not allowed to dream, but told to dream. Our parents would rather want us to be Wasim Jaffer and fulfil their Ranji dreams, than become Sachin Tendulkar and shine like a real star. Some say that there are different levels of dreams. If that is true, we are still struggling to enter the first one.

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When you bring a new creature in this world, you bring a mind that can think and act on its own. The more you want him/her to be an impression of your own, the more he/she limits the ability to think. The less you control, the happier they will be, a bit like the helium balloon. Stop treating your kids like a glorified puppy. Let them think. Let them question everything around them, including your actions.

Be brave and let them be brave.

Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

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Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

In Indian society, extra marital affairs are generally frowned upon. Especially if it is done by a woman, but there are few reasons, why it is fine for a married woman to get into an extra marital affair.

  1. Unmarried women can’t get into extra marital affairs

The strange fact about extra marital affairs is that unmarried women cannot get into an extra marital affair. Marriage is a prerequisite for extra marital affairs. I know this may sound weird, but extra marital affairs function like an elitist club, where only married men or women are allowed. Yes, people can have affairs with unmarried people, still for them, it will only be an affair. In order to make it an extra marital affair, they need to first marry and continue the affair. So tomorrow, if you want your daughter to get into an extra marital affair, first get her married and then find her a nice extra marital match.

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  1. It is done after marriage…

An extra marital affair has to be consummated for it to be considered a legal extra marital affair. Till then the girl is to be considered loyal to her husband. Now the real question is why is it not wrong to do this? The answer is pretty simple – “Because it is after marriage”. In India, pre-marital sex is considered as a blasphemy, but post marriage, it is considered totally fine. Imagine, your daughter banging the mechanic before marriage, it will not be Sanskaari at all, but after marriage, it should not be much of a problem, because it is not premarital sex. Also, after marriage, if the girl is caught having extra marital affair with the milkman or your husband’s friend or something, it would be her in-laws fault, because after marriage, they are her parents. So it will be very easy for her parents to pass on the blame to her in-laws saying, “Haaw, aapki beti kahan mooh kala karke aa gayi!!!” You know as they say, “Offence is the best Defense”

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  1. Because it is free!!!

Extra marital affairs are free of cost. In India, we love things that are free. I mean “Ek ke saath ek free”, i.e. “one on one free” is what gives the women real long lasting orgasms. So between Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Varma, the smarter housewife will be the one with extra marital affair, because she knows the importance of free. Only she can be a good mother and daughter in law in long run.

BOGO

  1. Makes her good at multi-tasking

Women are good at multi-tasking as per the feminists, but this skill can get way better with an extra marital affair. A women who can successfully keep two men happy can truly be awesome at managing the house and take care of lot of kids in future. An average Indian mom is supposed to have 4 kids. Taking care of four kids is not easy, especially if they are boys. Hence, it is important that the girl gets into an extra marital affair early in her married life. This will train her for challenges of future and help her get a better understanding of men.

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  1. Makes her better at physical love

Physical love can be a challenging task, especially in India, where we have a lot of mosquitoes. To counter the mosquitoes and bed bugs etc. it is important for the girl to have an extra man to practice this with. The logic is simple – If you want your wife to cook new things, you send her to a cookery class, but if you want your wife to try new things in bed, send her to someone who can teach her that.

Physical Love

  1. Good for girl’s parents

Today is a time full of stress and problems. So don’t expect the marriages to last long. Also, there are chances that your daughter or son-in-law or both may not live long. An extra marital affair by the daughter ensures that you get a back-up to the back-up son i.e. back-up son in law. So don’t worry who will change your diapers, when you start wetting your bed, because you have taken 3 levels of precautions – daughter, son-in-law and back-up son-in law.

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To summarize, extra marital affairs are a very human thing to do. Have you ever seen cats or dogs or crickets having extra marital affairs? No, because it is only for the supreme species called homo-sapiens. If your daughter grows up and asks you, mom how many extra marital affairs you had, what answer can you give her? Who will take care of your parents, if for some reason you and your current husband are not around?

These are some serious questions and demand serious answers. You don’t have to look too far, just look around you, “This  special one” might be way closer than you think. So next time your husband’s boss makes a naughty comment, or the milk man shows up without a t-shirt or plumber accidentally makes you wet, do not ignore as he might be your prince “Extra Charming!!!

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By changing your Facebook profile pic, you have signed up for the world’s biggest ORGY!!!

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By changing your Facebook profile pic, you have signed up for the world’s biggest ORGY!!!

By changing your profile pic, you have actually signed up for the world’s biggest orgy dated 30th Oct 2015.

Spiderman Orgy

Yes…ORGY!!!

Recently when India’s Prime Minister did what he does best, visited a foreign country called USA to meet Mark Zuckerberg, both of them painted their DPs with something resembling the Indian tricolor to support Digital India campaign. Ladies and gentleman, I am sorry to break this to you, but Facebook has duped you into signing up for the world’s biggest orgy and it is not Internet.org.  This orgy will be full of tall men and sexy women. Do you really want to be a part of something as immoral as this?

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Anyone who has changed his/her profile picture has automatically accepted an invitation to this orgy. If you are not present you will be castrated. The orgy will be organized across the globe and will be live streamed on Facebook. The orgy will be available in 14 different Indian languages, which includes Tamil, Marathi, Hindi and of course Gujarati. Looney Darindey strongly supports this move and suggests that you show up with a truly nationalist chaddi (underwear) for this orgy. While the orgy is no contest, but land of Kamasutra has a lot at stake.

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We know that we are not fit enough to try any of the asans mentioned in Kamasutra, except Gujaratis who can try besan, still we have to put an amazing show.

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Below are some FAQs which should clear all your doubts about this Facebook Maha Orgy –

Q. Can I get my wife along?

A. No matter how ugly she is, we will find a man for her.

Q. What do I do with my kids when I am at the orgy?

A. It is not easy to become an irresponsible parent in India, but we can totally help you with this. We can give you nice plastic bags with a duct tape to silence your kids. If you want, we can also lock up your kids in the basement with Sharma uncle, who is known for his love of kids

Q. How long will the orgy last?

A. Longer than your husband has ever lasted.

Q. What is the age limit?

A. Anyone above 18 is allowed as long as it is a human and is not a severe case of HIV.

Q. Is outside food allowed?

A. Yes. As long as you are willing to swallow and not spit.

Q. What if I don’t show up?

A. If you are a woman, we will eat you out. If you are a man, we don’t give a shit. Really don’t show up.

Q. What are the expectations of us?

A. Grow up and stop taking Facebook seriously.

Seriously people, this Digital India and internet.org debate has gone way too far. People don’t care whether you want to paint your profile pic and look like a dick or you want to oppose it with stupid articles and look like a dick. Still, if you have anymore questions about the orgy, please mail us at looneydarindey@gmail.com.

Meanwhile in Australia…

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