Category Archives: Uncategorized

How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

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How to stay safe from Sonam Kapoor? Read to find out.

Sonam Kapoor got married recently and it’s all good for her. I am always happy when rich people get married, because they are not spending my money. I think a lot of us should go out of our way and declare this as national wedding, at least of this century. Who gives a shit about the Royal wedding, when we have the hairy Kapoor affair?

Last few days have been amazing. All problems in India have vanished. Sonam Kapoor quickly moved on from demanding justice for Asifa to gathering wishes for her wedding. For someone who has not followed this wedding, I still feel like I was deeply involved. My mother almost cried looking at Sonam’s bidai pictures. Frankly even I am a bit upset, but the media for some reason is not giving me a chance to miss her at all. No way!!!

This morning as I was sipping my chai (tea), some news channel showed Sonam Kapoor wearing a Vera Wang couture gown for her second red-carpet appearance at Cannes 2018. For ignorant souls like me with zero fashion sense, Vera Wang is a famous American fashion designer. She must be good, because she is American. According to News 18, the dress Sonam was wearing was a nude-hued gown and had a corset that flows into a big tulle skirt.  They also say that the gown had a sunshine-yellow train and that was a surprise.

Being a complete stranger to this fashion world, I had no idea of what a tulle is. Wikepedia tells me that it’s a really expensive ‘macchar dani’  i.e. a mosquito net. A wise choice I must say, as there were too many mosquitoes last time I went to Cannes. That said, because she was recently married, as a self-proclaimed elder brother, I really wanted to miss Sonam Kapoor. So after my chai, I went to the pooping station, with my Indian Express newspaper (because I want to read news that matter) and there she was again with her Vera Wang gown and the tulle, but this time in print on Indian Express. All my hopes of a decent bowel moment went down the drain. A little grumpy, I decided to move on with my day. Before getting into my car and travelling from one chaotic world to another miserable one that I call my workplace, I made my usual pitstop on twitter and there she was again.

The same Indian Express article, but this time on Twitter. I had seen Sonam Kapoor on TV, in Print and online within a couple of hours. Is this normal or is she the almighty. I don’t know if I am following her or she is stalking me through her articles, news etc. That said, my affection for her as an elder brother started to die. I know she didn’t invite me for her wedding, but media made sure that I was a part of it. She didn’t give me any gifts, but didn’t take any from me either.  I reached office and as I was painfully waiting for the elevator, I decided to log on to twitter again. I clicked on a Marathi news article about the sad demise of Jivya Soma Mashe, who popularized the Warli tribal art form. There she was again with her broad smile inviting me to click another article of her wedding or Cannes or whatever it was. At this point of time, I decided to end all relations with her and started thinking who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

Who exactly is Sonam Kapoor?

All of us have seen Sonam Kapoor in movies. While I agree that her presence on screen is not as annoying as her uncle Sanjay Kapoor, her lack of acting skills more than makes up for that. The way she says ‘because you are worth it’ in the Loreal ads, I am sure, she is an AI BOT created by Elon Musk. Even though we know her as Anil Kapoor’s daughter, I think it’s a story made up to hide this secret. Sonam is a revolution in the AI world as she is the first successful Humanoid Robot (way before Sophia).

Now that she is married, to another Humanoid Robot, who wears sneakers with sherwani – traditional Indian dress designed to make the groom uncomfortable, they will soon me multiplying and making humanoid robo-babies. These babies will grow up to write articles for Storypick, Scoop Whoop, Buzz Feed and may be even New York times and eventually take over the world as propaganda drivers.

How to protect yourself from Sonam Kapoor?

Sonam Kapoor articles at this stage can be more harmful than sun’s UV rays. Sonam Kapoor is definitely more than what meets the eye and it is extremely important to protect yourself from her. Even though some secret scientists have been trying to find a sure shot mechanism, but his is all they could come up with as the entire machinery is working against us. Still here are few things that you can do to protect yourself.

1.       Stay away from StoryPick. It is said that Sonam disguises herself as a StoryPick writer and keeps writing online articles. Being a bot, she can write 200 articles a day. As they are for listicle websites, grammar and spell check really doesn’t matter.

2.       Avoid mainstream new sources. Trust me, she is everywhere. You may read the front page and sports page, but avoid any supplements.

3.       Stay hydrated and do not lose more weight than necessary. Eat a lot, stay hydrated (have ORS solution if needed), but under no circumstances lose any weight at all. The thinner you, higher are the chances of you falling prey to Sonam’s surrogate websites that inspire weight loss.

4.       Last but not the least, watch Doordarshan, because they really don’t give a shit about her. That’s the only safe space we have in these troubled times.

Stay safe, stay Sonam free, “Because you are worth it”!!!

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Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

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Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

Padmaavat shouldn’t have been released. I always thought so, but not for the reasons the controversy is going on. Have a look at my stand-up video to find out why!!!

 

 

The day we finally meet aliens!!!

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The day we finally meet aliens!!!

So, we are always excited about the Extra Terrestrial, right? Since childhood we have been going around thinking, what if life exists on planet other than ours. If yes, how will that be? Obviously we are just at the beginning of the technological advances needed for successful exploration. I mean the distances we need to travel are huge and all this effort based on mere guesswork will be nothing more than a waste of time, money and whatever little life we have. Still, we have come far away from Aristotle’s earth being the center of the universe theory. Copernicus debunked that, but we still haven’t been able to figure out the correct spelling of center. We would leave that up to the British and Americans, because both claim to be the guardians of the world, who can solve all the problems. Some may say that space exploration is cow dung as earth has its own set of problems and we should take care of them, before we mess up the outer space, but these problems and our inability to solve them can be a major reason for our obsession with space exploration.

Last month when comet Oumuamua passed earth, obviously, the level of intrigue was damn high. Now scientists are claiming, it could have been a giant space ship. If it is still considered a decent thing to trust websites like Daily Mail, one scientist has said that may be this cigar shaped comet is an alien ship with broken engines stumbling through our solar system.

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Oumuamua (artist impression)  Photograph: ESO/M Kornmesser/PA

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-5175235/Oumuamua-alien-probe-BROKEN-engines.html#i-b1818f0f673369c6

Some have debunked this by claiming that to be a rebellious alien pilot’s drunken voyage. This said, the question of space travel and us earthling’s obsession is self-centered. We always think that either we are looking for aliens or they are looking for us. What if the aliens are simply travelling and we are scaring them off with our signals? Imagine yourself driving on a highway or freeway, late in the night (in space travel it might not matter if it’s day or night), but in real life, night time driving is far more exciting. Especially when you are alone and there is no sign of civilization things can get a little creepy if not scary. On such a creepy road, if some strange creatures, the kind you have never seen before start frantically waving at you, would you stop? Half of us get scared when dogs chase us, leave alone humans. So should we deploy ships like dogs to chase alien space ships running around? Why should we waste time looking for others when we can just declare that everything belongs to us?

One major question that keeps bothering me is, what we intend to accomplish by communicating with aliens is still unclear? Apart from the most obvious language barrier, we would not know how to relate with them? So when we meet any of the brothers from another mother or galaxy, what are we going to discuss? What is our readiness? Do we have a questionnaire ready? Or do we start with the usual “Hey??? ASL???”. After first 5 minutes, we will be pretty much staring at the ceiling. The only way this can happen is if we meet the aliens at a restaurant that serves alcohol. It’s only then we can probably get into meaningful conversations and understand the cultures better. All this without any butt probes or cavity search.

So, next time the scientists spot a cigar shaped comet, which they confuse with an alien ship, it’s time to put up those Free Alcohol neon signs and clean your beer or whiskey glasses. They might be coming for us. If that is the case, then let’s face them better drunk than sober.

Why wishing someone is a bullshit tradition?

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Why wishing someone is a bullshit tradition?

Every time you meet someone, you are expected to wish someone, or say something that acknowledges their existence. Like you meet someone in the morning, you have to say good morning. I do not understand the logic behind this. There is no reason whatsoever for this madness. We all know it’s a morning. If you want to talk to a person, be creative, say something different. Tell people something they don’t know already. If you don’t want to talk to that idiot, do not do that.

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We see a dog, we start doing dog gestures, when we meet humans, we start doing human gestures. This is total bullshit.

Some may call these basic manners, but basic manners don’t mean anything if the other person is not worthy of those manners. We should first talk to people and then figure out whether they are worthy of those good mornings or not and then wish good morning. By saying this to anyone and everyone, we are reducing the significance of a good morning or good evening or anything. I love people who come straight to the point. They don’t talk much, don’t cry much, just transactional humans. Perfect. We don’t need people with manners.

Manners mean restrictions and a total lack of emotions. They are a modern form of slavery mechanism used to dictate and control your behavior.

Good morning is still fine. People say good afternoon. Tell me one thing that is good about afternoon. It is hot, sticky, at times slimy and it is the worst time of the day. Only good thing that can happen in afternoon is sleep, but saying good afternoon means, you are not sleeping and hence the afternoon is fucked already.  I go to a restaurant the person has to wish good afternoon. He does not mean it obviously. Why would you want to meet someone in the afternoon? He doesn’t want my goodwill. He wants my money.

That good afternoon is a way of draining my fucking wallet.

My question is, why do we feel the need to greet people? I mean, we greet people and expect that they greet back. If you are going to take the greeting back, then why greet in the first place. What are you trying to communicate here anyway? Nothing!!! It’s just slaves living their life in a funny way submitting to the system. Good morning mister blah blah blah!!! Your package is ready. Fuck off!!! You could have just told me that my package is ready and I would have packaged the shit out of it.

Another annoying thing people say is have a nice day. Why should I? What if I am already having a fucked up day and saying this is like rubbing salt on my already pestering wounds. What do you mean by have a nice day? If you talk to someone on a daily basis, I can still understand, but you talk to some person once in a blue moon, won’t you want him to have a nice life rather than just a day. These greetings have become nothing but meaningless punctuation marks. Why do we need them in the first place? It is this fucked up culture that has turned the Indian Whatsapp into the garbage that it is today. I mean everyone is dumping good mornings, afternoons and what not.

Life is already fucked up and greeting somebody is not going to make it better.

I remember, as a kid, when the teacher used to enter the class, we had to stand up and say “Good Morning Teacher”. Why? Why? Why? Don’t force someone to respect. The bitch is getting paid for her performance. Give her tips if you really like her. World will be such a better place the day we stop greeting each other.

Just imagine, if we start exchanging money instead of greetings and compliments. The world will make so much more sense. Nothing says Thank You better than money!!!

So, stop that stupid chit chat and those fake ass good mornings and please give me some money!!!

2017 – Year of entitled f*#ks!!!

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2017 – Year of entitled f*#ks!!!

2017 was the year of entitled fucks. The kind of fucks who think the world gives a fuck about their opinion. They believe that world leaders are going to read their Facebook post and feel bad for their actions. Breaking News – you are an idiot. There are regular idiots and then blue tick idiots. We should stop giving people the importance they don’t deserve.

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A lot of things have been happening in this world. You know you go into a jungle there is some disturbance, all the monkeys start shouting, that’s pretty much how we behave. We have no idea what the controversy is, we have no knowledge whatsoever, still we think that we know everything and act like we can solve all problems. Any Facebook post that starts with, “In my opinion… blah blah blah”. Well, your opinion doesn’t matter. You are like a retarded donkey, who keeps honking and the kids look at him and keep throwing stones at him. Even donkey has more brains than these entitled fucks, who think their voice is going to change their world.

Most of the times these idiots have their personal life in doldrums. They have no idea where their careers are going, they have a lot of frustration and these Facebook or Tweets are the only way these idiots can remain significant. They cannot solve the most immediate problems and hence keep blabbering here and there. Every time there is a breaking news, these idiots change their sphere of expertise. It can vary, from history to politics to economics etc., but it will still remain insignificant.

I am an insignificant person and I have come to terms with the fact. You are too. Please accept that. No way you can change the world. No one gives a shit about you or the way your pet thinks about ISIS or Hillary or Kim Jong Un or any other person. When I read your insignificant Facebook posts, I feel like you are a beggar begging for attention. Look at me and my balls. How small they are. Rather than making an impact in the real world, I am yelling at the top of my voice on Facebook. Well fuck off!!! Nothing is going to change.

As much as I would want you to shut the fuck up, I would prefer if you die. No one cares about you or your feelings. Your departure will bring happiness and peace. So good bye and fuck off!!!

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1, Dragonstone – To Badass Women and Ed Sheeran!!!

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Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1,  Dragonstone – To Badass Women and Ed Sheeran!!!

Finally, the madness has started again. I watch this show from India, so I have to wake up early and do my business before I start watching, and get ready to go wherever I have to, because Winter is Coming and I need to work.

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Winter is here and it is sure as hell sending chills down the spine.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1 – ‘Dragonstone’  starts with Walder Frey addressing a bunch of other asshole Freys and feasting as usual. For a second, I thought it’s still a recap and Arya is going to kill the fucker and feed him the ‘son pie’ again, but two minutes into the speech, we know it is Arya. She is really loving this ‘girl has no name’ game and she is good at it. All that spanking she got after her job at the spa has worked. Like a boss, she poisons the folks and just leaves. A real thug life moment.

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Silent Night Walkers!!!

While all this is going on, the Night Walkers are increasing in numbers day by day. They are just one plague away from building the largest army in the world. If they conduct elections in the seven kingdom, the Night King will sure become the president. Thankfully, it is no democracy, and the ruler of the kingdom will be decided the most entertaining way, by making other people fight for them. I know Game of Thrones is fiction and not history, but history stopped being entertaining since we got democracy and this series is far from being that.

Badass Women of GOT!!!

This show is known for some badass women, and this episode kind of focuses on them Arya, Sansa, Brienne of Tarth and most importantly Lyanna Mormont of the Bear Island. What Lyanna did today will give any feminist multiple orgasms. The way she silences the old fellow at Night’s Watch daily post dinner totally pointless convention is just meme worthy moment of the show. She says women will train too, so fuck off. The way Brienne and Sansa smirk at the exact moment when her speech is on, shows the tiny little feminist uprising of the amazing women of Game of Thrones.

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Lyanna brushed her teeth!!!

At the same convention, you can witness Sansa’s and Jon’s power struggle, Sansa wants to kill the Umbers and Karstarks, because that’s what you do on the show, kill people. Age or sex doesn’t matter. The only people not killed so far are the Eunuchs (may be one eunuch), who shows no signs of dying or ageing. Jon Snow was pissed when Sansa speaks out of turn and on top of it, she wants to kill people. He also tells her separately, you are going all Cersei right now and you are less than half her age. If you have seen Sansa in season 1, she is one annoying woman, but most annoying women get what they want.

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Sansa’s eyes look like those of White Walkers!!!

Why can’t men leave the women alone?

Petyr Baelish and Tormund really need to step up their game. Petyr cannot be trusted, so we really don’t want him to get what he wants from Sansa, but Tormund is a nice guy and is trying to get a girl way out of his league. There is a moment, when Brienne asks Sansa, “What does he want?” and she says, “I know what he wants!!”. Littlefinger the bastard!!!

Cersei and Jamie take Geography lessons!!!

Cersei has fucked up. Burning the sept and people in it, was not necessary and she knows she fucked up. The problem is, she is not willing to accept it. She looks for an ally in Euron Grejoy, who is willing to help her, but he wants to marry her. He has no idea what he is getting into. Seriously what’s with the men on the show. They can get all the girls they want, but they want to do stupid shit for that one women.

Samwell Tarly’s first year of graduation!!!

Samwell Tarly has had a tough life, but he finally reached the library. Unfortunately, his first year of graduation is fucked. He is cleaning shit and cooking food that looks like shit. He is for sure living a shitty life right now, but we all know he is going to be the game changer. I watched that shit cleaning scene while having my breakfast and it was pretty gross. This is what it sounds like …

 

He is not getting access to the Restricted Area and is forced to weigh brains and clean up after post mortem. So he decides to steal. No matter how timid his character is shown to be, he is the one who holds the key to defeating the white walkers, especially after Cersei used up all her Wildfire burning religious people.

 

Hahaha that’s Ed Sheeran and a sexist soldier!!!

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Fuck that’s Ed Sheeran!!!

So, Arya plans to take her killing spree to King’s Landing and just stumbles upon a bunch of soldiers eating rabbits and singing songs. Just Game of Thrones things. One of them happens to be Ed Sheeran and you are like hahahaha that’s Ed Sheeran. Fuck that’s actually Ed Sheeran. Arya tells Ed Sheeran and his soldier friends I want to kill the queen and they are like go ahead we don’t give  a shit. One of them is expecting a baby and wants it to be a girl, because girls take care of their fathers and boys go off to fight. In a way Arya is doing both, so she really doesn’t dignify the soldier’s sexist statement with a response.

Sandor Cleagane has a heart!!!

A couple of seasons back, Sandor Cleagane, the hound had robbed an old man and his daughter and taken away their silver. He goes back to the same house. Last time he was there, he had rabbit stew and landed himself a job. He was an asshole then, but this time he looks into the fire, checks out white walkers and has a change of heart. The mistake he commits is, he buries them. Come on, it’s season 7. By this time, you need to start burning the dead, no matter how old they are.

Daenerys has taken back the Dragonstone without saying a word!!!

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Khaleesi lands at the Dragonstone. It was pretty easy for her as Stannis abandoned and it was just left there like an orphan. This was still an emotional moment for Dany, who took back the castle for Targaryens. She reaches there and like a true boss asks – “Shall we Begin???”. I hope they don’t follow up with a dance, because that will be weird.

Jorah the Sick!!!

They have not shown his face properly, but the only one so curious about Daenerys Targaryen can be Jorah Mormont, who seemed to be quarantined in the citadel as he is suffering from greyscale disease. Samwell is serving him food and cleaning his poop too. One day when he is taking back, what I assume is his poop, he scares the shit our of already disgusted Sam asking for the Khaleesi.

In conclusion, the women on the show are badass and the men are either friend zoned or stupid, except Ser Davos Seaworth, who pretty much did only this in today’s episode.

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Wise men don’t speak much!!!

It was a slow start to the season, but a much needed one as last two episode of previous season were absolute madness. It looks like we are well set for some madness in a much smaller season.

GOT Season 6 Episode 9 – Battle of the Bastards, is Danny a Dyke? and Hounds of Winterfell!!!

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GOT Season 6 Episode 9 – Battle of the Bastards, is Danny a Dyke? and Hounds of Winterfell!!!

Warning: Spoilers ahead. You have been warned. Don’t cry later.

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The episode started with Masters destroying the shit out of Meereen and Danny’s WTF look. She was like, “you had one job Tyrion!!!”. This was the first time we got to see Tyrion going on the defensive, after of course Shae’s death. Danny was almost on the verge of firing Tyrion, but then she would be like Donald Trump, which she most definitely did not want. She has blonde hair, but here she is the outsider and not the one who claims to protect the kingdom against the outsiders.

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In fact, she is the one who leads hordes of Dothraki into Meereen. Her pyromania is getting out of control too. She wants to burn the masters (and almost everything), but Tyrion stops her from doing that. The surrender negotiations clearly show who is the boss and how she and Tyrion make an awesome team. Danny set it up and Tyrion finished it off. The big question is what is Lord Varys up to now.

Danny the Dyke with an awesome sense of humour???

When Yara Greyjoy comes to meet Danny, I am not too sure how they made it into Meeren, because only an idiot would like to enter the city, when dragons are burning the ships. This is when I noticed that Daenerys might have bisexual traits or could be a closet feminist.
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We know that Yara is both Lesbian and Feminist and Danny was responding quite nicely to her passes. If that happens, Westeros may end up getting the first bisexual ruler. This would have been a great boost for the Westeros LGBT community, especially the north, who have not seen a rainbow in ages due to the continuously gloomy weather. The dyke handshake between Danny and Yara was an indicator that things may go both ways for Daenerys if you know what I mean. There are some alternate fan theories, which suggest that Danny and Yara have become best friends, which may lead to further complications because Missandei has no other friends.

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It is clear that Tyrion doesn’t like dwarf jokes, despite him being cool about it for most of the series. Tyrion gets great joy in messing with a Greyjoy, especially if that twat has joked about him being a dwarf. That was the time when most of us didn’t like Tyrion much, only because he was a Lannister. Tyrion resists joking about Theon’s cock because it is not there anymore.

Build up to the battle of bastards

We have been waiting for this for a while now, but the hype was most definitely worth it. A lot of us hate Ramsay Bolton, but in this episode, he was at his coolest best. The fact that this was aired on father’s day made it far more interesting because seriously he was missing his father (Roose Bolton’s) smartness and intelligence before and during the battle. People hate Ramsay, but we need to understand that he is just someone who loves to watch the world burn, play games and kill people.

During the pre-battle meeting, he clearly pointed out his intention of not giving a shit about the free folks or Jon Snow and his offer to fight one on one. That was definitely Jon Snow’s ‘Yo Mama’ moment and Ramsay acknowledged that with a classic, ‘He is Good’. There was no good reason for Ramsay to fight this one. He was not the one who took Winterfell from Starks. He took it from Theon. The only real crime he committed was Sansa’s marital rape, all other actions were necessary to remain warden of the north. So while facing his enemy he did not look scared did most of the things right. Unfortunately, he was overconfident and underestimated Sansa.

Jon Snow ignored Sansa’s warning because he rightly thought she was a dumb cunt. She might have saved the day, but from the previews of the season finale, she has got everyone into bigger trouble.

Battle of Bastards

Battle of bastards has left everyone speechless.  If you have seen “The Watchers on the Wall” then you know how can remember how you hated the giants and wildlings. The beauty of Game of Thrones is that it makes you realise hate is temporary.  You develop a love for the characters with time, just like we hated Jaime initially, but started loving him, the moment he became Tyrion’s only friend, our feelings for the Giants have changed with time. Wun Wun, who was the only surviving giant and Jon had him on his side. He was Jon’s cheat card in the battle and the only reason why the Starks could make breach Winterfell.

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The battle started with typical Ramsay games, as he released Rickon Stark, and shot arrows in his direction. Rickon could have survived the game had he seen Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto, but his fate was sealed the moment Sansa said that he is going to die.

 

Jon Messed up!!!

This was Jon Snow’s Bollywood moment. He realised that Rickon is dead and he just went for the Bolton army. A dick move in my opinion. He neither Daenerys nor Sunny Deol from Gadar.

Thankfully the free folks charged for it and Jon Snow did know nothing. He was absolutely clueless, more clueless than Sansa in Season 1. One thing I failed to understand was that the Free Folks had moved to a comparatively less cold region and still they were wearing the same clothes. Beyond the wall, it is pretty cold, in Winterfell too, but he fur jackets was a bit too much. This is just stereotyping the wildlings. Going by the type of temperatures they can withstand, I think they could have easily fought in their undergarments, but let’s leave that visual for another day.

Even the biggest Jon Snow fan can easily tell you that he had messed up by being emotional and lacked battle tactics. He just went for it and got caught in the trap. Ramsay was the clear winner here and had Jon Snow where he wanted. While discussing the battle plans, Jon said they couldn’t attack them from both the sides, to which Tormund gave WTF are you talking about look and that’s exactly what happened. Only Ramsay could use a pile of dead bodies as a wall to trap his enemy. Jon was absolutely in no control of his troops. This was not the same calm and composed Jon Snow we witnessed in the battle against the wildlings. His death in a stampede would have been a tragedy, but that’s the moment, we realised that the day belonged to Sansa. As the Knights of the Vale charged, Ramsay was caught by surprise. He was not there fighting, which was most definitely his undoing. A battle well fought by Ramsay ended in defeat for him. That Sansa marital rape came back to bite him in the ass.

Hounds of Winterfell

After watching the episode, I think Hounds of Winterfell would have been an appropriate title for the episode. Ramsay shot an arrow through Wun Wun’s eye. Jon wanted to punch Ramsay to death, but Sansa wanted to feed him to the hounds. A bit dramatic, but something we all wished and craved for. After Ramsay’s death things may change for good, but we all know that something twisted is coming up. Knights of the Vale are involved now, giving Petr Baelish full charge of things in Winterfell. The audience has learnt this long back that trusting him can be their biggest mistake.

This is undoubtedly the best episode of the series. The kind of episode that wants you to go binge watch the previous 6 seasons. Sadly, it’s one more to go and a year long wait!!! 😥

I leave you with this extended footage of Jon punching  Ramsay.

This is what a Mumbaikar has to say about Pune!!!

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This is what a Mumbaikar has to say about Pune!!!

Pune is a strange city with weird traffic rules of its own. Every two-wheeler comes with an inbuilt traffic cop, who makes up rules on the fly. The only rule followed here is “Rules Chya Aai Chi”, which means “Screw All Rules”. I moved to Pune last year and people here almost drive everywhere, and everyone thinks they are driving a Ferrari. Someone new to Pune will find this traffic more confusing than Bollywood film affairs. This and few other things about Pune are captured beautifully in this short but sweet video by Mandar Bhide, a Pune-based comic.  Mandar Bhide, a Marathi boy from Mumbai sells chocolate for a living and tells jokes for getting a life. He moved to Pune last year but spends most of his time on the expressway. This video is a must watch for all Punekars and especially those studying in Symbiosis!!!

 

If you like him, you can subscribe to the YouTube channel and follow him on Mandar Bhide Twitter

 

Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

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Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

There are two types of pregnancies in the world. The ones that make you buy a new car and the others that make you look for the nearest dumpster. Thanks to the current Indian prime minister’s cleanliness drive, it has become real easy for us Indians to find the nearest dumpster. Also, he is from Gujarat, so girls think getting pregnant is going to get them a Padma Award or something, in reality, all they are going to get is a girl or boy, who they can call Padma Shri or Padma Bhushan based on the gender. If it is something in between, you can just dump it, without even looking for a name or a bag.

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Recently my father’s friend came home crying, “Hey, my daughter got pregnant. What has she done? How will she get married now?” I said, “Don’t give up uncle, what if it’s a boy???”

In Indian society, an accidental pregnancy is considered blasphemy. Ideally, any pregnancy should be considered evil. I mean, we already have over a billion people and one less idiot is not going to hurt us. The moment, someone uploads a picture of their newborn on Facebook, I feel like writing, “Amen!!! Don’t worry Jesus will cure him.” The rate at which we are growing, I think sanitary pads are soon going out of business. It feels like a dream world full of spread legs and swollen bellies.

Why girls get accidentally pregnant?

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Here is a strange law of nature, ‘Guys cannot get pregnant!!!’. The one who owns the oven bakes the cookies. Also, most boys are like the arrogant rich kid with the bat. “Meri batting ho gayi mai ghar jaa raha hoon!!!” (I am going home after I am done with my batting). Then begins the long wait for the next kid with the bat.

Is accidental pregnancy really that bad?

Few years back, a good friend of mine asked me for some relationship advice. She loved a guy who loved her back. She wanted to marry him, but her parents were against the marriage. I gave her the perfect solution, “Get pregnant!!!” At first, she thought it was a crazy idea, but later she realized that this is the only way out (or into the marriage). Once she accepted the idea. she got married. Now she is a successful single mom, as her husband married her and then dumped her (divorced her).

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Accidental pregnancy has its own benefits:

  1. It takes away the need to make stupid decisions, like whether I should get married or not, whom do I marry and when to get married? Because answers are simple – Yes, any guy available, and immediately in that order.
  2. Your parents get a solid reason to hate you.
  3. You prove to the world that you can make the babies. You might not have control over it, but still you can make it. It’s like Islamic terrorists who end up blowing themselves while trying to kill others and then get the fame as suicide bombers.

How to handle an accidental pregnancy??

It’s not easy to handle an accidental pregnancy unless you get knocked up every time you drink. Accidental pregnancy gets a bad name because the girls break the news to their parents as if someone accidentally added extra salt while cooking.

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There is no need to be upset now when you acted recklessly (read like a slut) then. Carry that bundle of joy (and shame) with pride. If that doesn’t work, then leave town, make that baby and then look for the nearest dumpster.

Life is complicated and accidents happen, but always remember, accidents never make useful babies or the leaders of tomorrow. Accidental pregnancies like recruitment HR cell for gangsters, criminals, politicians and terrorists. So next time you feel naughty, bathe in ice water or use the forbidden hole (loophole) unless accidental is what you are looking for.

Don’t just think about yourself, think about the guy whose life can be destroyed, especially if you are not worth it. Remember, accidents happen, but don’t be one of them.

Accidental pregnancy is bad, but let’s not blow it out of proportion!!!

 

 

It’s 2016 and you’re back to your shitty life!!!

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It’s 2016 and you’re back to your shitty life!!!

2016 – year that promises change, hope and love for all. Nothing of that sort is going to happen. Now that the New Year hangover is gone, welcome back to reality. The difference between life and a horror movie is that horror movies end, usually with a sigh of relief. Life on the other hand gives you moments of respite and then you are back to the same old bullshit, until you die. Once you are dead, you cannot make amends to the script.

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Photo Credit: Xinom Devianart

Chapter 2: What you can do differently in 2016?

You cannot change your life, because you are a passionless pumpkin who has screwed it in unimaginable ways. You have been chasing dreams that others had projected for you. You are in a desert and you soul is thirsty. People around you are like vultures waiting for you to slip. You are trying your best to keep up, but deep down under you know you’re really close to giving up.

Give Up

The world has been unjust to you because it’s an unjust social structure that we have designed. It is not all bad though, as once in a while you will approach an oasis in the form of festivals and holidays. These watering holes are something we look forward to, but that’s where the real predators are hiding. You buy gifts that your family, friends and relatives don’t need. You spend your hard earned money to buy that for them, so that you can buy their goodwill.

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You may gain a false sense of pride and love, that will give you the strength only to reach the next watering hole. This never ending journey will keep getting tougher are you will keep getting weaker. Once you get used to these watering holes, they will slowly start disappearing only to reappear in the form of meaningless mirages, waiting for you to lose your sanity.

Chapter 3: Is there anything I can do about it?

Yes.

  • Stop trying too hard to make others happy.
  • Trust no one. Not even your parents or your loved ones. Work towards your happiness, not theirs.
  • Just feed your kids and leave them on their own. Once they figure out the meaning of life themselves, that will be the beginning of their journey to realization.
  • Don’t feel bad for others. Your life sucks more than theirs.
  • Give up on the chase and start running on your own. That will be much more fun.

Most importantly, if you are tired, just give up!!!

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