I hate the elevators, especially the office ones, because their half-hearted attempt at crushing me ends up only hurting me and not killing me. Usually, something that does not kill you, makes you stronger. This elevator makes me weaker in many ways.
Monday morning, when I am dragging myself to my work, a crowded elevator is the last thing I want to see. Unfortunately it is the first one. Living in India, elevators still feel like an alien concept. Obviously, elevators are not a part of Indian culture as none of the vedas mention elevators and just like the vedas or kamasutra, we Indians have still not mastered the art of using them.
Normal elevator rule says, “First let the people exit and then enter”, but when have we ever cared about rules? So indifferently, when you want to exit, some kind soul wants you to stay back. Unlike the gravitational force this force is more of a visible jackass, who pushes you deep inside towards the elevator mirror.
Let me pull back a bit. Elevator is the biggest demon you will ever meet. A demon that follows Murphy’s Law the way a kindergarten student follows his pretty teacher.
You are in a hurry, getting late for the meeting, the elevator says, “Get Lost, I am full”. You are not late, have sufficient time, the elevator welcomes you like an air hostess with a fake smile, “Welcome Aboard Sir!!! We have been waiting for you!”. Elevators are also a bit like the public transport buses. When you need them the most, they either decide to hang out at a different stop or to go in the opposite direction. When they arrive, they are full. If you are unable to squeeze yourself in, you have to wait for the next one. In case you get in, it is just the beginning of the nightmare…
Chapter 1: The Awkward Silence
Silence is deafening, but in a confined space it becomes completely unbearable. You develop an ability to hate 10-12 people within a span of 20-30 seconds. The girl staring at her mobile phone, the grey haired semi balled bastard, the fat dude with smartphone, the hot girl talking telling her boyfriend, “She is in the elevator” and announcing to the world, “She is taken (read sold)”, the guy who is way too short for humanity, the tall guy who can check out every woman’s cleavage without getting caught, so basically every living being in the elevators, even the mating rats. The silence lasts only till the time you meet an acquaintance and then begins the awkward exchange of pleasantries.
Chapter 2: The Awkward Exchange of pleasantries
You try your best to use the skills mastered in high school to avoid eye contact with that bastard, whose presence in the elevator is going to force you to wear a fake smile, while the real thought in your mind is, “Why the hell are you here (read alive)?”. The normal stupid question is, “How are you?” and the answer is, “Good”, and sadly both start their day with a lie at an otherwise ethical workplace. If this bastard is not a total jackass, he may stop at that, or he may start meaningless jibber jabber.
Chapter 3: The meaningless jibber jabber
There are a lot of people who treat the elevator like their living room, where they are yelling at their wives for not washing their chaddis. This meaningless jibber jabber is as bearable and meaningless as Miley Cyrus’ naked pictures. For some strange reason, they think the whole world is interested in that email this idiot did not send. Idiots are not limited to those inside the elevator. Threats can be external too.
Chapter 4: External threats
To start with, the ghost that calls for the elevator but mystically disappears when it reaches his/her floor. These ghosts are like the girl friend that missed her periods and starts bothering you for no good reason. Then there is this idiot who wants to jump in the elevator that is just about to take off. The problem is, this idiot wants to hold door for another joker who is late, which indifferently leads to a third monkey hopping on the peace train. When it is girls holding doors for other girls, this can be really annoying, as the girls find this whole thing amusing. The girls inside the elevators are giggling just like those outside and you are as clueless and emotionless as an idol in the temple.
Chapter 5: Final Destination
The final destination series is not a pleasurable experience, neither is the floor where you get down. This floor is the reason behind all the emotions in your life, well most of them. Still, the one you need to keep you going to. At times I feel like going to office on weekends, just so that I can use an empty elevator and I hope this wish does not come true.