Naughty Elevator – The Flight Upstairs

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Naughty Elevator – The Flight Upstairs

I hate the elevators, especially the office ones, because their half-hearted attempt at crushing me ends up only hurting me and not killing me. Usually, something that does not kill you, makes you stronger. This elevator makes me weaker in many ways.

elevator

Monday morning, when I am dragging myself to my work, a crowded elevator is the last thing I want to see. Unfortunately it is the first one. Living in India, elevators still feel like an alien concept. Obviously, elevators are not a part of Indian culture as none of the vedas mention elevators and just like the vedas or kamasutra, we Indians have still not mastered the art of using them.

vedas

Normal elevator rule says, “First let the people exit and then enter”, but when have we ever cared about rules? So indifferently, when you want to exit, some kind soul wants you to stay back. Unlike the gravitational force this force is more of a visible jackass, who pushes you deep inside towards the elevator mirror.

vimana

Let me pull back a bit. Elevator is the biggest demon you will ever meet. A demon that follows Murphy’s Law the way a kindergarten student follows his pretty teacher.

murphy

You are in a hurry, getting late for the meeting, the elevator says, “Get Lost, I am full”. You are not late, have sufficient time, the elevator welcomes you like an air hostess with a fake smile, “Welcome Aboard Sir!!! We have been waiting for you!”. Elevators are also a bit like the public transport buses. When you need them the most, they either decide to hang out at a different stop or to go in the opposite direction. When they arrive, they are full. If you are unable to squeeze yourself in, you have to wait for the next one. In case you get in, it is just the beginning of the nightmare…

Chapter 1: The Awkward Silence

Silence is deafening, but in a confined space it becomes completely unbearable. You develop an ability to hate 10-12 people within a span of 20-30 seconds. The girl staring at her mobile phone, the grey haired semi balled bastard, the fat dude with smartphone, the hot girl talking telling her boyfriend, “She is in the elevator” and announcing to the world, “She is taken (read sold)”, the guy who is way too short for humanity, the tall guy who can check out every woman’s cleavage without getting caught, so basically every living being in the elevators, even the mating rats. The silence lasts only till the time you meet an acquaintance and then begins the awkward exchange of pleasantries.

Chapter 2: The Awkward Exchange of pleasantries

hostess

You try your best to use the skills mastered in high school to avoid eye contact with that bastard, whose presence in the elevator is going to force you to wear a fake smile, while the real thought in your mind is, “Why the hell are you here (read alive)?”.  The normal stupid question is, “How are you?” and the answer is, “Good”, and sadly both start their day with a lie at an otherwise ethical workplace. If this bastard is not a total jackass, he may stop at that, or he may start meaningless jibber jabber.

Chapter 3: The meaningless jibber jabber

There are a lot of people who treat the elevator like their living room, where they are yelling at their wives for not washing their chaddis. This meaningless jibber jabber is as bearable and meaningless as Miley Cyrus’ naked pictures. For some strange reason, they think the whole world is interested in that email this idiot did not send. Idiots are not limited to those inside the elevator. Threats can be external too.

Chapter 4: External threats

To start with, the ghost that calls for the elevator but mystically disappears when it reaches his/her floor. These ghosts are like the girl friend that missed her periods and starts bothering you for no good reason. Then there is this idiot who wants to jump in the elevator that is just about to take off. The problem is, this idiot wants to hold door for another joker who is late, which indifferently leads to a third monkey hopping on the peace train. When it is girls holding doors for other girls, this can be really annoying, as the girls find this whole thing amusing. The girls inside the elevators are giggling just like those outside and you are as clueless and emotionless as an idol in the temple.

Chapter 5: Final Destination

The final destination series is not a pleasurable experience, neither is the floor where you get down. This floor is the reason behind all the emotions in your life, well most of them. Still, the one you need to keep you going to. At times I feel like going to office on weekends, just so that I can use an empty elevator and I hope this wish does not come true.

kamala

India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

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India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

India is playing against Sri Lanka, like we give a fuck about it. Still, I think total indifference about India Sri Lanka cricket series is kind of unfair.

First time the two played, we wrote a book about it. Built a temple in Ayodha and celebrated Indian team’s successful return with an entire festival.

Ramayana was the first series, where we were not pissed off about wives being present at the game. Ramayana is called mythology because I think it never happened. It must have been a series of 5 Test Matches, 7 ODIs and 3 T20s.

ramayana

Some say, the best thing about India Sri Lanka series is that the live telecast is during day time.

When Sri Lankan Right Arm Spinners are bowling to Indian Right Hand batsmen, and yelling “Alle Alle Alle Alle Alle”, we are banging our heads on our laptops.

There are some idiots who follow India Sri Lanka series on websites like Cric Info, Cric Buzz, Rediff etc. These obsessed people are doing it only because India Sri Lanka series is a part of Indian Culture as much as Ramayana or Mahabharata. I think Sita haran was a conspiracy hatched by Sri Lankan Cricket board to make sure that we keep playing with them  forever. People say when Ravana died, his last words were “Shree Rama” but I think they were “Ranatungaaaa”.

ranatunga

The fun fact is that Ravana himself was an entire cricket team. All those stories about 10 heads strengthen my claim. Vibhishan was a mere umpire, who gave some wrong LBW decisions in our favor, since then deported to India, “Bhenc*** tu udhar hi jake reh na”. Shoorpanakha was an IPL cheerleader who was sacked for being involved in match fixing and all. Rama had a team full of monkeys and a hot headed vice- captain in Lakshman, but in the end was able to pull it off, because he was a cool headed captain, a bit like our MSD. Ultimately, we all have to agree that the whole series was for his trophy. Hanuman was promised a big role in the battle, sent for scouting, but actually ended up on the medical team.

Ravana SitaTo conclude, we strongly believe, India as a nation should give more importance to India Sri Lanka cricket series, because it is the most important part of our culture.

Also, when everything else will be banned in India, this is the only thing we can watch freely and without any fear.

|| Jai Shree Ram ||

jai shree ram

Banning Balls – Why we need to stop online porn???

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Banning Balls – Why we need to stop online porn???

Porn is fun and banning is what our governments typically like. If not for taxes and bans, why would we even need a government?

Porn was banned and the ban was revoked – I guess someone forwarded to the best parts and thought these sites are fine. I don’t know what government thinks, but we at Looney Darindey think online porn must be banned.

Kids these days have easy access to – ‘Khushi and Pussy’ and it kind of makes us jealous. Back in the day, we had to struggle to find “Waisi Waali CD”. First part of struggle was finding a video parlor that rents out these DVDs. Now this is more difficult that many of you may think.

Ashleel CD Wala Giraftaar

Ashleel CD Wala Giraftaar

Chapter 1: RENTING THE CD/DVD

Usually in the area where you grew up, it was impossible to rent porn CDs/DVDs, because the video guy knows you, your father, mother, uncle, aunty everyone. Moreover, the place where you went to rent Alladin and Lion King, it is kind of weird to go and rent out movies starring Jenna and Sunny didi.

I call all female porn stars didi, because like an elder sister, they take care of you when you grow up

Anyway, once the colony wala shop was ruled out.We had to go to the neighboring colony. First timers got dirty looks from CD walas. Still, the first experience of renting porn is an important part of growing up and we think every person must go through this.

You go to the shop, engage in a conversation and slowly change the topic to, “Waisi Wali CD”.

It was obvious that these video guys got great sadistic pleasure by not letting us know they have porn CDs. When a 13 year old guy walks into the video parlor, you need to know what the fuck he wants.  This made the experience of renting a porno unique, same as proposing a girl.

1a: RENTING THE CD/DVD (My First Time)

Me: Bhaiyya aapke paas kaisi kaisi movies hai??

Bhaiyya: Sab tarah ki…Action, Drama, Bollywood, Hollywood.

[To avoid suspicion, I rented a Hindi movie ]

Me: Aur kaisi movies hai aapke paas?

Bhaiyya: [Like a true professional] “Do” ya “Teen”?

This meant XX or XXX? Being a first timer,  I stuck to XX? [As if XX was the next level of sin and I wanted to reserve it for the next time.]

Me:  Double hi dena. “Teen” bahut jyada ho jayegi.

I quietly put it in my bag and walked out of the shop.

At an early stage of porn watching, an individual prefers to stay sober and watches soft porn. The build up is important i.e. getting there. With time, this evolves into true love or madness for pornography, with specific demands.

CHAPTER 2: TIMING IT PERFECTLY

Timing it Perfectly

Another major challenge in watching porn was to time it perfectly, i.e. when your parents go out. A planned trip was fine as you can prepare well in advance. On the other hand, if they suddenly decide to attend that wedding, you need to need start finding excuses for staying back home. These excuses have to be carefully crafted. They cannot be too strong, as they may ditch the marriage and stay back home. If the excuses are too mild yourparents may drag you with them. Once they are out of the house, you need to act fast. Following tasks need to be accomplished quickly – grab your bicycle and rush to the video parlor (in another colony), wait for the fat aunty to leave the shop, rent the DVD, come back home, open the door, close the curtains and switch on the PC (we are dealing with Windows 98/XP here) and finally start watching. By the time this is done, wedding time becomes bedding time, i.e. saala shaadi kya suhaagraat ka time ho jaata hai.

unnamed (4)

On top of it, if the CD is full of scratches, this means the movie is good, but the print is not. That is why it was recommended that you rent multiple DVDs.

Later, when internet entered our lives, we never left our rooms. Yahoo Chat, Webcams, desibaba, … all at one place. No more going out to rent DVDs and no more embarrassing looks by the video parlor guy. The only issue was speed. 56 kbps dial up was an illusion of internet, but still internet nonetheless. For those who have survived on rice, a little dal is like gold mine.

Yahoo-Messenger-icon

You wait for your parents to sleep, double check if they are sleeping, double click the dial up icon, click on connect and hope that it does. That unbearable sound of dial up tone, krrrrrrkrrrkirrrrkarrrkirr (read duck orgasm), sounds like that of a nightingale (an apt name).

donald orgasm

The download speed was 7 Mbph (Mb per hour). It was still fun. You had to be careful, which 3Mb video to download. BSNL’s night rates were low, but still I could manage only 1.5 Gb of download.

To access faster internet, we had to head out to the nearby cyber café. Unfortunately these were the same places, where we checked our results (which sucked in my case). Finding a cyber with closed cabins was difficult. There were times when internet acted all naughty, and there were 100s of pop ups. You had to call the café owner to help you close it. He often gave these looks of disgust and anger.

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CHAPTER 3: WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG?

Slowly, we moved to limited broadband and finally transcended to unlimited ones. It was like having a connection to the fucking ocean in mainland. Sadly, after unlimited broadband, kids have lost the importance of porn. Many have missed out on the painful experience of Bearshare and Torrents and jumped directly to online streaming. These kids need to experience the adventure of renting “Waisi Wali CD”. The ban will only help them realize the value of this beautiful art form and rekindle their love for one sided digital relationships with the likes of Jenna Didi and Sunny Didi.

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Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

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Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

There was a time when I saw a man in khadi with a ‘jhola’ on his shoulders, grown beard and speaking some real logical stuff. This so called ‘Patrakaar’ had dedicated his life to bring out the truth. He really had a commanding personality. The kind that makes you feel like a dumb cunt for not focusing more in your social studies class. He meant what he wrote, as his words has real substance. With time, the substance has evaporated and what remains is a clown dressed as an actor from a ‘Nautanki’. The beard has lost its importance as even Rahul Gandhi has started growing one. The ‘patrakaar’ is not neutral as he/she has taken sides, either right or left or centre.

Source: MonketBuddha.com

The media these days has turned rapist. Not just evil, but hardcore rapist. They want to divide us, more like spread our legs and fuck us over and over again. They can divide us for different reasons – Caste (that card is kind of getting old now), language (can be brought up once in a while), sexual orientation (gays v/s straight – worked for a while), aam v/s VIP (has been there for centuries) and the favorite is religion (that one always works man).

So whenever, someone in any of the media channels gets an erection for TRP or whatever other reason, they have a simple road-map to intellectual orgasm – Engage and Outrage.

Let’s take the burning example of Yakub Memon’s hanging. Eid was few days back and as if going to iftar was not enough for these minority appeasing monkeys, they had to cash in on the Yakub Memon issue. The fun fact is that they started saying that these blasts were a reaction to 1992 Bombay riots. The logic is similar to, “I raped her, because she provoked me”. The hypocrisy doesn’t end here. They have been shouting 2002 2002 2002 for past 13 years, but never acknowledged the fact that it was a reaction to Godhra train massacre. I am defending neither, and no man in a sane state of mind should encourage or embrace violence in any form, but there must be some consistency. To sell news, it may be beneficial to engage one and outrage the other. In Yakub’s case, they took this to the next level. ‘Engage all and Outrage all’.

About the 40 odd petitioners, who think poor Yakub was not a terrorist and should not be hanged, were you wanking off for last twenty years, when the case was being contested? Why these idiots woke up at the last moment, when the whole fight was lost. Why now? Are you trying to build an image of ‘Heroes who at least tried’ in the mind of vulnerable Muslims? They always think of Muslims as nothing but a big barbeque party, where they can go and get their meat whenever they want. What Muslims need is a true visionary leader, who will transform their lives in a meaningful way and stop the world from exploiting them as a vote bank. Do they really want one such leader is the real question?

The hanging was obviously ironic; as it was on the day the funeral of Dr. Kalam, one of the greatest brain, heart and soul in the country was planned. He was a Muslim and all of us were proud of him. We loved him and still do, because we respect the deeds and not the religion. It hurts because in the morning newspaper, Yakub’s hanging had taken centre stage and Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam was pushed in one small corner. It just shows their priority. Let us push aside science and education and let us give importance to religious fanaticism, because that’s what sells.

indian express

Dr. Kalam’s contribution in 1999 Pokhran explosion was enormous, and a real turning point in India’s future. It was this explosion that shook up and woke up the world up and they started looking at India as a technology destination. The engineers of this country not only drew inspiration, but also got jobs because of his heroic deed. Yes, there were economic sanctions for a while, but he showed what we are made of and then that historic Clinton visit happened, which literally shaped our future. Sadly, all his contributions were overshadowed and the dark clouds of terrorism had taken over the news

As a kid, my parents told us, please listen to the news, they are informative. My partially blind grandfather used to tune in to the radio almost till his last moments. News channels these days have become source of high blood pressure. News channels these days are much more dangerous than the video games. At least, you can choose what video games to play.

Still, not all media guys are bad or rather opinionated. Recently, there was a case in Kolkata, where a man was living with his sister’s corpse for months. The article was so beautifully written that you can feel the pain. The act may sound hideous to many, but the article brought out the agony behind the crime, without causing any outrage. The fact is, I have always admired the folks from the media. I believe that these fiery and sincere journalists can change the world. I have always thought that this fourth pillar of democracy in incorruptible, but off late with this mad frenzy of becoming the “Exclusive”, “No. 1”, “Breaking News” etc. I feel you are losing track of your objective. As an honest citizen, I want you to question the government and society for their actions, but it hurts to see you glorify the terrorists for your selfish interests. He could have been hanged and we could have been done with, but you had to create this feeling of injustice and deprivation and once again alienate my Muslim friends. ‘Divide and Drool’ is fine if you are selling butter or KFC, but is a dangerous strategy when you are selling news, because, the day we wake up, the day the common people realize that you are making a third degree ‘Chutiya’ we won’t forgive you.

Source: Amul.com

Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

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Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

Few days back I turned 30. I remember it was at the age of 26, when I first wanted to strangle that annoying kid who called me and my friend ‘uncle’. I was not annoyed because he called me an uncle, it was the timing. That little piece of dumpster turd did it when I was bursting crackers, my favorite childhood activity. It was like waking you up in the middle of a wet dream with a bucket full of ice cold water and that was just the beginning. Silver linings in my hair had started itching like sweaty underwear after a long workday. Time passed quickly, I turned 29 and before I could realize the dreaded 30s were at the doorstep knocking heavily. The winter was coming and this was going to be a long one.

Uncle

Uncle

CHAPTER 1: The long list of People

I started feeling like a TV series or a movie character who has been around long enough without any great contribution to the plot. It is fine if you are an extra, but not when you are the lead actor of your life. This part of growing up was usually clipped in 70s/80s Bollywood movies. The hero’s parents die, he starts working, deceived by the bad guy, starts running on the road in shorts and suddenly grows up and he is wearing pants. Just like that 20-25 years of your life summed up in less than 30 seconds. First few years of your life are in fact like the first few minutes of a 70s Bollywood movie. It is happy and star studded, the cast being…

Mother (Ek Maa) – Jo karti hai tumse pyaar, kabhi daatati hai, kabhi maarti hai magar pyaar se khana khilati hai (A mother who loves you, scolds you and still feeds you before)

nirupa roy

Father (Ek Baap) – Jise tum weekdays pe sirf morning and evening (Office jaate hue aur office se aate hue) mein dekhte hon par weekend pein unhi ke saath rehte ho (A father who is mostly busy on weekdays, but makes sure he spends time with you on weekends)

amrish-puri

Sister/Brother/Both (Ek Behen/Bhai/Dono) – Jo tumse jhagade rehte hai, par doosro ki daat se tumhe bachate hai (A sister, who fights with you, but will protect you when you are being scolded)

behen

A series of treacherous girlfriends (number various from 0 to 1000, based on your flirting skills or imagination ability)

cheating2

A lot of friends and a few close ones (who stick around with you – tumhari lene ke liye)

dosti

By the time you are thirty, a person, who in most cases is not present in the first half of life becomes the main character, pulling most of the strings in your life. Of course I am talking about ‘The Wife’, ‘Biwi’, ‘Patni’, ‘Baayko’, whatever you want to call her, it does not change. She is like the actress, without whom, the movie can be complete, only if you want it to become a boring documentary.

maha_sati_savitri_the_ideal_chaste_wife_hindi_film_icm095

Another two people who enter your life are the ‘in-laws’. The two main characters that fall in this category are ‘father in law’ and ‘mother in law’. In most cases, ‘father in law’ is the calm one, while the ‘mother in law’ … well that needs a dedicated blog post. (Disclaimer: I am purely joking here. I repeat, purely joking).

inlaws

CHAPTER 2: The never ending questions

When you turn thirty, your life becomes a bag full of questions? Like, ‘Why the fuck do I exist?’, ‘Why the fuck this world exists?, ‘What is the meaning of my life?’ etc. Your body takes the form of an ugly external viva examiner and starts asking you questions too – ‘Why the fuck do you drink so much?, ‘Why the fuck can’t you control your diet?’, ‘Why the fuck do you get tired after just three rounds of masturbation?
bag-question-markRemember, you have a wife? So she has her endless list of questions, which is as big and as pointless as Kim Kardashian’s ass. Wives and girlfriends have doubts in a dumb Sharukh Khan movie. You can gauge the number of questions by that. The bigger problem is that these questions aren’t meant to be answered. You just have to keep milking them for a happy relationship. With every answer comes the probability of it being wrong, which in a man’s case is almost 100 %.

womanquestions

The most dangerous being, “When should we squeeze one out?” i.e., “When can we have our own parcel of joy?”.

CHAPTER 3: The Changes

30 is the age when you realize that the things that were important part of your childhood are not relevant any more. “He Man”, “Tales Pin”, “Jungle Book”, “Parle G”, “Monaco”, ”Maggi”, “Mamta Kulkarni” are few members of the long list. I know that “Change is the only constant”, but having Maggi banned two days before my 30th birthday was a big shock.

maggi_mast_masala

Coming to more relevant things, you have the strange realization that your parents are old. Your dad, the strongest man you have ever seen, needs your help. You start seeing yourself in his position few years back. Your mother who used to pick you up from school every day needs to be picked up from the railway station. Suddenly you are the captain, you are the one to switch off all the lights before sleeping. You are the one to pay the bills, the protector of the realm. 30’s is the age, when you realize that you are not a mere lead actor who is acting out the plot, but you are the writer, director, actor, producer and even the spot boy of the film. You are not just contributing to plot, you are writing it, this plot has just started…

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The Beginning

Did you know that you can make wine out of poop?

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Did you know that you can make wine out of poop?

“What comes out of our butt, shall not go back into our system!!!”

This is nature’s most important rule. Still, every once in a while, there are some humans who think otherwise. If life throws surprises, YouTube throws shocks. As you all know there are two sides of YouTube – The dark side and the bright side. Videos of the dark side evoke a particular set of reactions –

Why am I here???

What am I doing on the wrong side???

Oh no … not again…etc.

One such jewel from the dark side is this video uploaded by Comedy One, featuring Suresh Menon as Meer Jakib Bahadur.

Mir Jakib Bahadur

Now, Suresh can do anything in this world with a Mallu Accent. This time he ‘does’ a Nepali watchman in MJB Cookery Show and that is the least weird thing about the video. Meer Jakib Bahadur shows a video where his Japanese aunt, Uka Uchida goes to Korea and learns how they make wine out of poop, yes I said it, “Wine out of Poop!!!”. Video is 3.14 minutes long and after watching this you’ll say, “Meri Pie Pie Lota do”. If you have a weak heart, do not watch this video. For the courageous ones, “Aao dekhte hai sandas se daru kaise banate hai” (Let’s see how they make wine out of poop)

KRK’s review of Deepika’s Vogue Empower Video exposes the hypocrisy in our society

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KRK’s review of Deepika’s Vogue Empower Video exposes the hypocrisy in our society

There are two people that do not need any introduction. First, is Mr. Kamaal R Khan (aka KRK) and second is Deepika Padukone (aka Bharat ki Beti). Both have their unique way of staying in news. The only difference being, KRK doesn’t have to flaunt his cleavage to do so or go to war with a leading newspaper. Instead he chooses porn star and celebrity bashing. Recently, there was a video released by Vogue Magazine where Deepika talks about a lot of things, like the rights to not wear a bindi or whatever clothes she wears, having sex with whoever she wants, inside marriage, outside marriage as it is her choice. Though we find the video totally ridiculous, we do not criticize her for this, because for sure these words are definitely not “her choice” or her words and even if they are they are none of our business. If you need a brushing up on this video, you can visit the below link.

When this video was out, us Indians reacted the way we would have reacted to this Robot Chicken – Game of Thrones parody, i.e. we get outraged.

These days, our first reaction is outrage. No happiness, no joy, no sorrow, no anger, we skip everything and jump straight to raw outrage. Unfortunately, social media has made us way too vocal, especially about the irrelevant things. The satisfaction we get after defending Anushka’s presence at Sydney or bashing an Aaptard/BJP Bhakt is the same as that of a kid whose mother lets him watch 3 episodes of Tom and Jerry without interruption. After the Vogue Empower video was released, my Facebook news feed was full of the “cool” comments in support of video and “regressive” comments opposing the video. One such reaction to the video, which is obviously labelled as regressive, stupid, idiotic by many is KRK’s review of Deepika Padukone’s video.

Since the “cleavage fight incident” that was perfectly timed around the release of “Finding Fanny”, Deepika is seen as a modern girl who is targeted because of her free and open lifestyle and also to some extent a victim of internet bullying. The fact is, you don’t know internet bullying unless you are following KRK on his Facebook page. People wait for him to post something, just so they can reply with abusive comments and memes. There are many like me who have joined his page, just to read these abusive comments (trust me they are fun). For someone with a such hyper-negative PR score, to take on a popular super actress takes a lot of guts and that is why our team has decided to post this video. Along with this, KRK at no point is critical of Deepika, in fact he has detailed out all the things that she has listed and provided counter arguments for the same and we think this is the most civilized way to respond or debate. KRK’s only fault here is that he is KRK and is not polished in the way he presents things. Still, this video is a much better watch than that vogue empower video, which barely qualifies as a bad shampoo commercial. For starters, this one is really hilarious (because it is KRK) and has awesome quotes such as,

“Sande ka tel lagakar apne hathiyaar ki maalish” , “Saath saal ka budha apne padosi ki 16 saal ki beti ke saath”, “Deepika isko deti hai, usko deti hai” etc. i.e. typical KRK stuff. Also, KRK is amongst the few have questioned not only Deepika, but also Homi Adajania (who owes me Rs. 500 for that stupid movie Cocktail, which I left half way through, as I got a headache). He has asked him, “agar Bhabhi apne boyfriend ko ghar lekar aati hai to that is bhabhi ki choice”. Though we are not taking any sides in this whole debate, i.e. who is right or who is wrong, still we think KRK is being targeted and criticized unfairly and just because he is KRK and not a typical Page 3 personality like Deepika or Homi Adajania.

Beautiful illustration videos of Game of Thrones are the best build up to season 5!!!

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Beautiful illustration videos of Game of Thrones are the best build up to season 5!!!

The beloved show Game of Thrones is under threat, because Sony has decided to remake this show in Hindi. A sad day, as we don’t want to see this show being remade as “Rani Mahal” (Queen’s Palace).

Game of Thrones Hindi

Game of Thrones Hindi

While the fans await the release of season 5, this news is sure a mood killer for Indian fans. Still, to cheer you up, we got these beautiful illustration videos by 1A4Studio for Vanity Fair. These videos illustrate the lives of few Game of Thrones characters, one at a time.

As the above trailer suggests, these videos are actually ‘faster than fuck’. An obvious warning for losers who have not seen Game of Thrones, “Spoilers Ahead”. These videos are a must watch for all Game of Thrones fans.

1. The Life of Khal Drogo

2. The Life of Joffrey Baratheon

3. The Life of Robb Stark

4. The Life of Yggrite

and finally…

5. The Life of Ned Stark

This Bhutanese Passport wiki audio is hilarious!!!

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Many consider it racist, while some think it is funny. It may be a combination of both, and that makes it extremely hilarious. Bhutan was once the happiest country in the world and is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful places on this planet. But recently, it has become famous because of this hilarious wiki audio about Bhutanese Passport. A post recently published on 9gag.com drew our attention to this hilarious audio recording of Bhutanese Passport wiki page. The recording has sadly been removed, but then we have YouTube {the sole protector of freedom of speech (in a way)}.

Bhutanese Passport

Bhutanese Passport

Do check out below video link and as this 9gag meme says Laugh for Hours.

Open letter to my Chaddi – My beloved underwear!!!

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Open letter to my Chaddi – My beloved underwear!!!

Winter is gone and it is almost summer season, but it’s raining open letters. Every once in a while, there comes a time when society goes through the ‘Revolutionary Itch’ or as they say ‘Gaand mein Khujli’ ka time.  People, especially those who eat, sleep, drink and shit with their laptops or iPads or Smartphones (basically, everyone who does not use pen & paper) suddenly decide, ‘Enough is Enough’.  I need to get out of this chair, and stand up for a cause. They stand up, stumble their way to the toilet pot and while taking a massive smelly dump, get a revolutionary thought, “Chal chutiye, aaj kuch toofani karte hai”, “Ek meaningless open letter likhte hai”.

Open Letter

In this season of open letters, everybody is writing an open letter to somebody. Very rarely is there a day when people do not share an open letter.

In this season of love, politics, war and open letters, I want to declare my unconditional love to one true lover of my life and rightful heir to all seven kingdoms, “My Chaddi”, with this open letter.

Dearest Chaddi,

I will not ask you if you are doing good because you are definitely not. Moreover, summer is here and so is the season for some really sweaty balls and I can assure you that near future has no great hope in store for you. Still, you have been through a lot, so a few words of appreciation are the least you deserve.

First up, I admire your patience. You have put up with me like no one has ever done before. At times, I thank my stars that you cannot talk. If you could, then like a really nagging girlfriend, you would have stopped me with the scariest phase in the world, “We need to talk”. Thankfully you cannot and we never need to talk. You have been the sole witness of my waist’s transformation from a ‘maachis ki teeli’ to a huge banyan tree. Of course, you have been really flexible to adapt to this change and the two of us have grown together hand in hand or should I say band in waist?

Bulla

Normally, you have been a rendezvous point for the hand and the unmentionable organ. I wonder whether it is a blind date or the kind of date that makes one blind. Though you are witness to one of the most pleasurable moments for a man, this is not what our relationship is all about. It has been a long and fruitful one. You were there, when I first wet my pants, you were there when I was afraid for the first time, you were there when I was beaten up by the cops, in fact you have been a part of my every ‘chutiyapa’. Many will say that there were different chaddis, but they are ignorant people with little knowledge of chaddis. For every man there is one chaddi in this world, all the chaddis are mere avatars of that one chaddi. There is a reason why you go to a mall and pick up that one chaddi, the only piece of clothing that you buy without trying and it still fits you, every fucking time. After a certain age, one buys his own chaddi, no one else can do it you. A man is at his poorest, when he has no chaddi. Red, blue, green, black, pink it does not matter, any color is fine. It is yours and you will not share it with anyone.

Chaddi and Decision Making:

Decision Making

A clean chaddi leads to a clear mind and hence strong decision making ability. No politician in this world can succeed without a clean chaddi. As the Hindu right wing fringe groups may state, a dirty chaddi indicates ‘Tamsik’ (evil) state of mind and a clean chaddi ‘Satvik’ (good) state of mind. I know I am confused when you start itching and it completely fucks up my confidence. Just imagine a confident politician with a chaddi full of germs.

tamasic

Chaddi and the divine connection (My chaddi told me to switch job):

During my first job, I never got time to clean you. Even if I did, I was too lazy to do that. Who wants to spend his weekends washing chaddis? One day while working, late in the night, I went out for a smoke. The familiar itch and rash due to sweaty Mumbai weather had taken its toll on me and I could barely walk.

Smoke

Outside the office building, as I was staring at the sky through the cloud of smoke, I heard a sound, “Abe chutiye ghar ja!”. At first, I thought I was hallucinating because of all that staring at the LCD monitor. Then when I realized it was actually a person wearing a golden crown (more like a mukut) and costly jewelry, straight out of PC Chandra jeweler’s showroom, I realized it must be god, but why was he swearing. Looking at the shock on my face, he told me that he was on a smoke break and can cuss like us normal humans. He then told me, “Vats,

Sloka

It is translated as, “Kaam tab tak karo, jab tak chaddi na chipke. Jab chaddi chipke to to samjho job badalne ka samay aa gaya hai. Chaddi badalna aasan hai, par job badalna aur bhi aasan. Just log on to www.naukri.com I realized that I was simply hallucinating. I locked my system, went home and decided to sleep it off. My chaddi, lying on the floor was staring at me.

I realized that it is time to move on.

Chaddi does not discriminate:

Chaddi, you treat everyone equally, without any discrimination. You are like god, taking care of both good and the evil.

Chaddi kho gayi

  • What is common between a cop and the criminals? They both wear chaddis.
  • What is common between a boy and a girl? They both wear chaddis.
  • What is common between India and Pakistan? They both wear chaddis.
  • What is common between Sherlyn Chopra, Poonam Pandey, Sunny Leone, Jenna Jameson, Kayden Kross, Priya Rai, Stormy Leather, Linda Lovelace, Lisa Ann, Bree Olsen, Nyomi Banxxx, Kelly Divine, Sasha Grey, Tori Black, Nadia Nyce, Mia Khalifa, Asa Akira, Sara Jay, Gianna Micheals, Stoya, Julia Ann, Lexi Belle, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Peter North, Rocco Siffreddi, John Holmes, Charlie Sheen, Cersei Lannister, Tywin Lannister, Pluto, Chip & Dale and Brian (the Dog from family guy)? They never wear chaddis.

We can imagine a world without god, food, rain, sunshine, darkness etc. but we can never imagine a world without chaddis. Even these people writing meaningless open letters wear chaddis (hopefully).

To conclude,

Oh dear chaddi, I always think, that the creator of this world started creating us only after wearing a chaddi, unless he or she was an absolute pervert (which I refuse to believe). The basic prerequisite of every creation is a chaddi (either you wear it or you take it off). The biggest mistakes of life are committed when people pull down their chaddis at the fucking wrong time. You may be the cause of the biggest of the battles of the world, but I am hundred percent sure that you will always be there for me. You will be there in my happiness and the worst moment of tragedy. You will be there, if I ever in my life choose to change my sex, religion or sexuality. You will be there whether I am belly full or hungry. You will be there till the time I walk this earth. The day I will be without you, will be the day I have either hit absolute bottom, or have attained nirvana. I don’t know if on the day I leave the earth, the people I love the most, will be there by my side, but  I am completely sure that you will be there hanging around my waist as I bid adieu to this mortal world.

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