Tag Archives: humour

Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

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Padmaavat, Bhansali and ‘Freedom’ of Bollywood

Padmaavat shouldn’t have been released. I always thought so, but not for the reasons the controversy is going on. Have a look at my stand-up video to find out why!!!

 

 

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The day we finally meet aliens!!!

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The day we finally meet aliens!!!

So, we are always excited about the Extra Terrestrial, right? Since childhood we have been going around thinking, what if life exists on planet other than ours. If yes, how will that be? Obviously we are just at the beginning of the technological advances needed for successful exploration. I mean the distances we need to travel are huge and all this effort based on mere guesswork will be nothing more than a waste of time, money and whatever little life we have. Still, we have come far away from Aristotle’s earth being the center of the universe theory. Copernicus debunked that, but we still haven’t been able to figure out the correct spelling of center. We would leave that up to the British and Americans, because both claim to be the guardians of the world, who can solve all the problems. Some may say that space exploration is cow dung as earth has its own set of problems and we should take care of them, before we mess up the outer space, but these problems and our inability to solve them can be a major reason for our obsession with space exploration.

Last month when comet Oumuamua passed earth, obviously, the level of intrigue was damn high. Now scientists are claiming, it could have been a giant space ship. If it is still considered a decent thing to trust websites like Daily Mail, one scientist has said that may be this cigar shaped comet is an alien ship with broken engines stumbling through our solar system.

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Oumuamua (artist impression)  Photograph: ESO/M Kornmesser/PA

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-5175235/Oumuamua-alien-probe-BROKEN-engines.html#i-b1818f0f673369c6

Some have debunked this by claiming that to be a rebellious alien pilot’s drunken voyage. This said, the question of space travel and us earthling’s obsession is self-centered. We always think that either we are looking for aliens or they are looking for us. What if the aliens are simply travelling and we are scaring them off with our signals? Imagine yourself driving on a highway or freeway, late in the night (in space travel it might not matter if it’s day or night), but in real life, night time driving is far more exciting. Especially when you are alone and there is no sign of civilization things can get a little creepy if not scary. On such a creepy road, if some strange creatures, the kind you have never seen before start frantically waving at you, would you stop? Half of us get scared when dogs chase us, leave alone humans. So should we deploy ships like dogs to chase alien space ships running around? Why should we waste time looking for others when we can just declare that everything belongs to us?

One major question that keeps bothering me is, what we intend to accomplish by communicating with aliens is still unclear? Apart from the most obvious language barrier, we would not know how to relate with them? So when we meet any of the brothers from another mother or galaxy, what are we going to discuss? What is our readiness? Do we have a questionnaire ready? Or do we start with the usual “Hey??? ASL???”. After first 5 minutes, we will be pretty much staring at the ceiling. The only way this can happen is if we meet the aliens at a restaurant that serves alcohol. It’s only then we can probably get into meaningful conversations and understand the cultures better. All this without any butt probes or cavity search.

So, next time the scientists spot a cigar shaped comet, which they confuse with an alien ship, it’s time to put up those Free Alcohol neon signs and clean your beer or whiskey glasses. They might be coming for us. If that is the case, then let’s face them better drunk than sober.

2017 – Year of entitled f*#ks!!!

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2017 – Year of entitled f*#ks!!!

2017 was the year of entitled fucks. The kind of fucks who think the world gives a fuck about their opinion. They believe that world leaders are going to read their Facebook post and feel bad for their actions. Breaking News – you are an idiot. There are regular idiots and then blue tick idiots. We should stop giving people the importance they don’t deserve.

entitled

A lot of things have been happening in this world. You know you go into a jungle there is some disturbance, all the monkeys start shouting, that’s pretty much how we behave. We have no idea what the controversy is, we have no knowledge whatsoever, still we think that we know everything and act like we can solve all problems. Any Facebook post that starts with, “In my opinion… blah blah blah”. Well, your opinion doesn’t matter. You are like a retarded donkey, who keeps honking and the kids look at him and keep throwing stones at him. Even donkey has more brains than these entitled fucks, who think their voice is going to change their world.

Most of the times these idiots have their personal life in doldrums. They have no idea where their careers are going, they have a lot of frustration and these Facebook or Tweets are the only way these idiots can remain significant. They cannot solve the most immediate problems and hence keep blabbering here and there. Every time there is a breaking news, these idiots change their sphere of expertise. It can vary, from history to politics to economics etc., but it will still remain insignificant.

I am an insignificant person and I have come to terms with the fact. You are too. Please accept that. No way you can change the world. No one gives a shit about you or the way your pet thinks about ISIS or Hillary or Kim Jong Un or any other person. When I read your insignificant Facebook posts, I feel like you are a beggar begging for attention. Look at me and my balls. How small they are. Rather than making an impact in the real world, I am yelling at the top of my voice on Facebook. Well fuck off!!! Nothing is going to change.

As much as I would want you to shut the fuck up, I would prefer if you die. No one cares about you or your feelings. Your departure will bring happiness and peace. So good bye and fuck off!!!

The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

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The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Long long ago, there was a prince, who didn’t like food.

joffrey

He despised it more than kids despised mathematics. Top of his hate list was milk, which I doubt comes from something as sweet as a cow. (FYI: I haven’t tasted a cow). He hated food worse than the biggest bully at his school. Queen mother tried a lot of new things, but there is only this much you can do with a Phool Gobi (cauliflower) or Patta Gobi (cabbage).

Aloo-Patta-Gobi-Curry

The  queen mother spent a lot of time learning new things, which made her really busy and late to go to bed. So obviously daddy i.e. the king got angry, because that was eating into daddy’s time for his good night stories. Everyday mommy and daddy used to dress up like characters from Panchatantra and tell each other stories, but never invited the prince.

panchatantra-terrorist

Prince’s food tantrums were not helping the case and his daddy really got upset. Until one day, queen mommy discovered a red and yellow packet. She said it was god sent. The packet said that the food will be ready in 2 minutes, but it took ages to come to the table.  Prince carefully took the first bite. As the gooey noodles made their way into the prince’s mouth, the tiny prince travelled into an alternate universe. The queen mother realized – “If sex was for daddy, this was for the prince!!!” The thing that would fill the void left behind by breast milk was to be fulfilled by Queen Mother’s new found love Maggi.

maggi

As the prince grew up, Maggi became an inseparable part of the family. That packet of Maggi was like a fairy tale. The day the prince came early from an examination, it was there. The day the prince got beaten up and pissed all over him by the bullies at school, it was there, The day it rained, it was there.

bully

In short, it was always there, but never did the prince get bored of it. At times it was an incentive for the prince to complete his homework on time. Slowly as the prince grew further to become a 3rd degree turd of a teenager, the love for Maggi only grew stronger. Hot girls and Maggi – that’s all that the prince could think of. Sadly, Maggi was the only thing accessible.

preity maggi

The King was a creative thinker and liked innovation in the bedroom. The king and his ministers used to try out new things and discuss the next morning during the lunch break. Sadly, the queen was not willing to try new things.  She loved dominating in the bedroom, but the creativity was missing. King had nothing new to discuss and the same new missionary tales were becoming less amusing by the day. He knew that his ministers laughed only because he was the king. So one day, when the king wanted to replace the traditional metal windows with the sliding windows, the queen demanded three wish coupons in lieu. Queen used the first one to make a son and the second won to buy exotic lingerie. She kept the third wish in her blouse and told the king she will be revealing it later. The day had finally arrived and queen was about to reveal.

One of the king’s ministers had clearly stated that noodles are aphrodisiac and the queen mother did not want her kid to grow up to become Shakti Kapoor, so she decided to use her third wish.

Shakti-Kapoor

The King came back from work all pissed. To keep the son busy, she made him Maggi, but to keep the king busy, she had to do a little more. She dressed like Kunika from the old Hindi movies.

kunika

Queen ordered food from king’s favorite restaurant. She also got the king some ice cream and made sweet sweet love to him. When the king was completely under her spell, she told him, dude, let’s send the prince to boarding school.

To be continued…