Porn is fun and banning is what our governments typically like. If not for taxes and bans, why would we even need a government?
Porn was banned and the ban was revoked – I guess someone forwarded to the best parts and thought these sites are fine. I don’t know what government thinks, but we at Looney Darindey think online porn must be banned.
Kids these days have easy access to – ‘Khushi and Pussy’ and it kind of makes us jealous. Back in the day, we had to struggle to find “Waisi Waali CD”. First part of struggle was finding a video parlor that rents out these DVDs. Now this is more difficult that many of you may think.Chapter 1: RENTING THE CD/DVD
Usually in the area where you grew up, it was impossible to rent porn CDs/DVDs, because the video guy knows you, your father, mother, uncle, aunty everyone. Moreover, the place where you went to rent Alladin and Lion King, it is kind of weird to go and rent out movies starring Jenna and Sunny didi.
I call all female porn stars didi, because like an elder sister, they take care of you when you grow up
Anyway, once the colony wala shop was ruled out.We had to go to the neighboring colony. First timers got dirty looks from CD walas. Still, the first experience of renting porn is an important part of growing up and we think every person must go through this.
You go to the shop, engage in a conversation and slowly change the topic to, “Waisi Wali CD”.
It was obvious that these video guys got great sadistic pleasure by not letting us know they have porn CDs. When a 13 year old guy walks into the video parlor, you need to know what the fuck he wants. This made the experience of renting a porno unique, same as proposing a girl.
1a: RENTING THE CD/DVD (My First Time)
Me: Bhaiyya aapke paas kaisi kaisi movies hai??
Bhaiyya: Sab tarah ki…Action, Drama, Bollywood, Hollywood.
[To avoid suspicion, I rented a Hindi movie ]
Me: Aur kaisi movies hai aapke paas?
Bhaiyya: [Like a true professional] “Do” ya “Teen”?
This meant XX or XXX? Being a first timer, I stuck to XX? [As if XX was the next level of sin and I wanted to reserve it for the next time.]
Me: Double hi dena. “Teen” bahut jyada ho jayegi.
I quietly put it in my bag and walked out of the shop.
At an early stage of porn watching, an individual prefers to stay sober and watches soft porn. The build up is important i.e. getting there. With time, this evolves into true love or madness for pornography, with specific demands.
CHAPTER 2: TIMING IT PERFECTLY
Another major challenge in watching porn was to time it perfectly, i.e. when your parents go out. A planned trip was fine as you can prepare well in advance. On the other hand, if they suddenly decide to attend that wedding, you need to need start finding excuses for staying back home. These excuses have to be carefully crafted. They cannot be too strong, as they may ditch the marriage and stay back home. If the excuses are too mild yourparents may drag you with them. Once they are out of the house, you need to act fast. Following tasks need to be accomplished quickly – grab your bicycle and rush to the video parlor (in another colony), wait for the fat aunty to leave the shop, rent the DVD, come back home, open the door, close the curtains and switch on the PC (we are dealing with Windows 98/XP here) and finally start watching. By the time this is done, wedding time becomes bedding time, i.e. saala shaadi kya suhaagraat ka time ho jaata hai.
On top of it, if the CD is full of scratches, this means the movie is good, but the print is not. That is why it was recommended that you rent multiple DVDs.
Later, when internet entered our lives, we never left our rooms. Yahoo Chat, Webcams, desibaba, … all at one place. No more going out to rent DVDs and no more embarrassing looks by the video parlor guy. The only issue was speed. 56 kbps dial up was an illusion of internet, but still internet nonetheless. For those who have survived on rice, a little dal is like gold mine.
You wait for your parents to sleep, double check if they are sleeping, double click the dial up icon, click on connect and hope that it does. That unbearable sound of dial up tone, krrrrrrkrrrkirrrrkarrrkirr (read duck orgasm), sounds like that of a nightingale (an apt name).
The download speed was 7 Mbph (Mb per hour). It was still fun. You had to be careful, which 3Mb video to download. BSNL’s night rates were low, but still I could manage only 1.5 Gb of download.
To access faster internet, we had to head out to the nearby cyber café. Unfortunately these were the same places, where we checked our results (which sucked in my case). Finding a cyber with closed cabins was difficult. There were times when internet acted all naughty, and there were 100s of pop ups. You had to call the café owner to help you close it. He often gave these looks of disgust and anger.
CHAPTER 3: WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG?
Slowly, we moved to limited broadband and finally transcended to unlimited ones. It was like having a connection to the fucking ocean in mainland. Sadly, after unlimited broadband, kids have lost the importance of porn. Many have missed out on the painful experience of Bearshare and Torrents and jumped directly to online streaming. These kids need to experience the adventure of renting “Waisi Wali CD”. The ban will only help them realize the value of this beautiful art form and rekindle their love for one sided digital relationships with the likes of Jenna Didi and Sunny Didi.