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GOT Season 6 Episode 9 – Battle of the Bastards, is Danny a Dyke? and Hounds of Winterfell!!!

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GOT Season 6 Episode 9 – Battle of the Bastards, is Danny a Dyke? and Hounds of Winterfell!!!

Warning: Spoilers ahead. You have been warned. Don’t cry later.

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The episode started with Masters destroying the shit out of Meereen and Danny’s WTF look. She was like, “you had one job Tyrion!!!”. This was the first time we got to see Tyrion going on the defensive, after of course Shae’s death. Danny was almost on the verge of firing Tyrion, but then she would be like Donald Trump, which she most definitely did not want. She has blonde hair, but here she is the outsider and not the one who claims to protect the kingdom against the outsiders.

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In fact, she is the one who leads hordes of Dothraki into Meereen. Her pyromania is getting out of control too. She wants to burn the masters (and almost everything), but Tyrion stops her from doing that. The surrender negotiations clearly show who is the boss and how she and Tyrion make an awesome team. Danny set it up and Tyrion finished it off. The big question is what is Lord Varys up to now.

Danny the Dyke with an awesome sense of humour???

When Yara Greyjoy comes to meet Danny, I am not too sure how they made it into Meeren, because only an idiot would like to enter the city, when dragons are burning the ships. This is when I noticed that Daenerys might have bisexual traits or could be a closet feminist.
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We know that Yara is both Lesbian and Feminist and Danny was responding quite nicely to her passes. If that happens, Westeros may end up getting the first bisexual ruler. This would have been a great boost for the Westeros LGBT community, especially the north, who have not seen a rainbow in ages due to the continuously gloomy weather. The dyke handshake between Danny and Yara was an indicator that things may go both ways for Daenerys if you know what I mean. There are some alternate fan theories, which suggest that Danny and Yara have become best friends, which may lead to further complications because Missandei has no other friends.

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It is clear that Tyrion doesn’t like dwarf jokes, despite him being cool about it for most of the series. Tyrion gets great joy in messing with a Greyjoy, especially if that twat has joked about him being a dwarf. That was the time when most of us didn’t like Tyrion much, only because he was a Lannister. Tyrion resists joking about Theon’s cock because it is not there anymore.

Build up to the battle of bastards

We have been waiting for this for a while now, but the hype was most definitely worth it. A lot of us hate Ramsay Bolton, but in this episode, he was at his coolest best. The fact that this was aired on father’s day made it far more interesting because seriously he was missing his father (Roose Bolton’s) smartness and intelligence before and during the battle. People hate Ramsay, but we need to understand that he is just someone who loves to watch the world burn, play games and kill people.

During the pre-battle meeting, he clearly pointed out his intention of not giving a shit about the free folks or Jon Snow and his offer to fight one on one. That was definitely Jon Snow’s ‘Yo Mama’ moment and Ramsay acknowledged that with a classic, ‘He is Good’. There was no good reason for Ramsay to fight this one. He was not the one who took Winterfell from Starks. He took it from Theon. The only real crime he committed was Sansa’s marital rape, all other actions were necessary to remain warden of the north. So while facing his enemy he did not look scared did most of the things right. Unfortunately, he was overconfident and underestimated Sansa.

Jon Snow ignored Sansa’s warning because he rightly thought she was a dumb cunt. She might have saved the day, but from the previews of the season finale, she has got everyone into bigger trouble.

Battle of Bastards

Battle of bastards has left everyone speechless.  If you have seen “The Watchers on the Wall” then you know how can remember how you hated the giants and wildlings. The beauty of Game of Thrones is that it makes you realise hate is temporary.  You develop a love for the characters with time, just like we hated Jaime initially, but started loving him, the moment he became Tyrion’s only friend, our feelings for the Giants have changed with time. Wun Wun, who was the only surviving giant and Jon had him on his side. He was Jon’s cheat card in the battle and the only reason why the Starks could make breach Winterfell.

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The battle started with typical Ramsay games, as he released Rickon Stark, and shot arrows in his direction. Rickon could have survived the game had he seen Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto, but his fate was sealed the moment Sansa said that he is going to die.

 

Jon Messed up!!!

This was Jon Snow’s Bollywood moment. He realised that Rickon is dead and he just went for the Bolton army. A dick move in my opinion. He neither Daenerys nor Sunny Deol from Gadar.

Thankfully the free folks charged for it and Jon Snow did know nothing. He was absolutely clueless, more clueless than Sansa in Season 1. One thing I failed to understand was that the Free Folks had moved to a comparatively less cold region and still they were wearing the same clothes. Beyond the wall, it is pretty cold, in Winterfell too, but he fur jackets was a bit too much. This is just stereotyping the wildlings. Going by the type of temperatures they can withstand, I think they could have easily fought in their undergarments, but let’s leave that visual for another day.

Even the biggest Jon Snow fan can easily tell you that he had messed up by being emotional and lacked battle tactics. He just went for it and got caught in the trap. Ramsay was the clear winner here and had Jon Snow where he wanted. While discussing the battle plans, Jon said they couldn’t attack them from both the sides, to which Tormund gave WTF are you talking about look and that’s exactly what happened. Only Ramsay could use a pile of dead bodies as a wall to trap his enemy. Jon was absolutely in no control of his troops. This was not the same calm and composed Jon Snow we witnessed in the battle against the wildlings. His death in a stampede would have been a tragedy, but that’s the moment, we realised that the day belonged to Sansa. As the Knights of the Vale charged, Ramsay was caught by surprise. He was not there fighting, which was most definitely his undoing. A battle well fought by Ramsay ended in defeat for him. That Sansa marital rape came back to bite him in the ass.

Hounds of Winterfell

After watching the episode, I think Hounds of Winterfell would have been an appropriate title for the episode. Ramsay shot an arrow through Wun Wun’s eye. Jon wanted to punch Ramsay to death, but Sansa wanted to feed him to the hounds. A bit dramatic, but something we all wished and craved for. After Ramsay’s death things may change for good, but we all know that something twisted is coming up. Knights of the Vale are involved now, giving Petr Baelish full charge of things in Winterfell. The audience has learnt this long back that trusting him can be their biggest mistake.

This is undoubtedly the best episode of the series. The kind of episode that wants you to go binge watch the previous 6 seasons. Sadly, it’s one more to go and a year long wait!!! 😥

I leave you with this extended footage of Jon punching  Ramsay.

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This is what a Mumbaikar has to say about Pune!!!

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This is what a Mumbaikar has to say about Pune!!!

Pune is a strange city with weird traffic rules of its own. Every two-wheeler comes with an inbuilt traffic cop, who makes up rules on the fly. The only rule followed here is “Rules Chya Aai Chi”, which means “Screw All Rules”. I moved to Pune last year and people here almost drive everywhere, and everyone thinks they are driving a Ferrari. Someone new to Pune will find this traffic more confusing than Bollywood film affairs. This and few other things about Pune are captured beautifully in this short but sweet video by Mandar Bhide, a Pune-based comic.  Mandar Bhide, a Marathi boy from Mumbai sells chocolate for a living and tells jokes for getting a life. He moved to Pune last year but spends most of his time on the expressway. This video is a must watch for all Punekars and especially those studying in Symbiosis!!!

 

If you like him, you can subscribe to the YouTube channel and follow him on Mandar Bhide Twitter

 

Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

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Is accidental PRegnancy really that bad?

There are two types of pregnancies in the world. The ones that make you buy a new car and the others that make you look for the nearest dumpster. Thanks to the current Indian prime minister’s cleanliness drive, it has become real easy for us Indians to find the nearest dumpster. Also, he is from Gujarat, so girls think getting pregnant is going to get them a Padma Award or something, in reality, all they are going to get is a girl or boy, who they can call Padma Shri or Padma Bhushan based on the gender. If it is something in between, you can just dump it, without even looking for a name or a bag.

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Recently my father’s friend came home crying, “Hey, my daughter got pregnant. What has she done? How will she get married now?” I said, “Don’t give up uncle, what if it’s a boy???”

In Indian society, an accidental pregnancy is considered blasphemy. Ideally, any pregnancy should be considered evil. I mean, we already have over a billion people and one less idiot is not going to hurt us. The moment, someone uploads a picture of their newborn on Facebook, I feel like writing, “Amen!!! Don’t worry Jesus will cure him.” The rate at which we are growing, I think sanitary pads are soon going out of business. It feels like a dream world full of spread legs and swollen bellies.

Why girls get accidentally pregnant?

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Here is a strange law of nature, ‘Guys cannot get pregnant!!!’. The one who owns the oven bakes the cookies. Also, most boys are like the arrogant rich kid with the bat. “Meri batting ho gayi mai ghar jaa raha hoon!!!” (I am going home after I am done with my batting). Then begins the long wait for the next kid with the bat.

Is accidental pregnancy really that bad?

Few years back, a good friend of mine asked me for some relationship advice. She loved a guy who loved her back. She wanted to marry him, but her parents were against the marriage. I gave her the perfect solution, “Get pregnant!!!” At first, she thought it was a crazy idea, but later she realized that this is the only way out (or into the marriage). Once she accepted the idea. she got married. Now she is a successful single mom, as her husband married her and then dumped her (divorced her).

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Accidental pregnancy has its own benefits:

  1. It takes away the need to make stupid decisions, like whether I should get married or not, whom do I marry and when to get married? Because answers are simple – Yes, any guy available, and immediately in that order.
  2. Your parents get a solid reason to hate you.
  3. You prove to the world that you can make the babies. You might not have control over it, but still you can make it. It’s like Islamic terrorists who end up blowing themselves while trying to kill others and then get the fame as suicide bombers.

How to handle an accidental pregnancy??

It’s not easy to handle an accidental pregnancy unless you get knocked up every time you drink. Accidental pregnancy gets a bad name because the girls break the news to their parents as if someone accidentally added extra salt while cooking.

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There is no need to be upset now when you acted recklessly (read like a slut) then. Carry that bundle of joy (and shame) with pride. If that doesn’t work, then leave town, make that baby and then look for the nearest dumpster.

Life is complicated and accidents happen, but always remember, accidents never make useful babies or the leaders of tomorrow. Accidental pregnancies like recruitment HR cell for gangsters, criminals, politicians and terrorists. So next time you feel naughty, bathe in ice water or use the forbidden hole (loophole) unless accidental is what you are looking for.

Don’t just think about yourself, think about the guy whose life can be destroyed, especially if you are not worth it. Remember, accidents happen, but don’t be one of them.

Accidental pregnancy is bad, but let’s not blow it out of proportion!!!

 

 

It’s 2016 and you’re back to your shitty life!!!

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It’s 2016 and you’re back to your shitty life!!!

2016 – year that promises change, hope and love for all. Nothing of that sort is going to happen. Now that the New Year hangover is gone, welcome back to reality. The difference between life and a horror movie is that horror movies end, usually with a sigh of relief. Life on the other hand gives you moments of respite and then you are back to the same old bullshit, until you die. Once you are dead, you cannot make amends to the script.

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Photo Credit: Xinom Devianart

Chapter 2: What you can do differently in 2016?

You cannot change your life, because you are a passionless pumpkin who has screwed it in unimaginable ways. You have been chasing dreams that others had projected for you. You are in a desert and you soul is thirsty. People around you are like vultures waiting for you to slip. You are trying your best to keep up, but deep down under you know you’re really close to giving up.

Give Up

The world has been unjust to you because it’s an unjust social structure that we have designed. It is not all bad though, as once in a while you will approach an oasis in the form of festivals and holidays. These watering holes are something we look forward to, but that’s where the real predators are hiding. You buy gifts that your family, friends and relatives don’t need. You spend your hard earned money to buy that for them, so that you can buy their goodwill.

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You may gain a false sense of pride and love, that will give you the strength only to reach the next watering hole. This never ending journey will keep getting tougher are you will keep getting weaker. Once you get used to these watering holes, they will slowly start disappearing only to reappear in the form of meaningless mirages, waiting for you to lose your sanity.

Chapter 3: Is there anything I can do about it?

Yes.

  • Stop trying too hard to make others happy.
  • Trust no one. Not even your parents or your loved ones. Work towards your happiness, not theirs.
  • Just feed your kids and leave them on their own. Once they figure out the meaning of life themselves, that will be the beginning of their journey to realization.
  • Don’t feel bad for others. Your life sucks more than theirs.
  • Give up on the chase and start running on your own. That will be much more fun.

Most importantly, if you are tired, just give up!!!

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How to get an obedient wife???

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How to get an obedient wife???

Marriage can be tougher than you think. It is like swimming naked in a pool on a nice sunny day, but with some sharks and crocodiles hanging around. Many people think that marriage will put an end to all the problems in your life. If this was true then every married couple would have been like Jack and Jill who went up the hill to do naughty things.

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The fact is that marriage is the beginning of all the problems. Marriage is like a long train journey, where you are stuck with a Sindhi/Guajarati family with Aaloo, Mooli ke parathe in their tiffin box. You know that when that fart catalysing food goes in the late night explosions are going to transform your train compartment into a gas chamber. At times, I think if Hitler had discovered Guajarati food, he would have easily doubled the number. Now that we have re-established the fact that marriage is a dangerous but unavoidable calamity, it is important that you are well equipped for this.

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The traditional way of approaching things is to change yourself, but we at Looney Darindey believe in thinking out of the bottle. Instead of changing yourself, train your wife. Train your wife does not mean having multiple wives and asking them to form a human train. We leave that to ISIS. It actually means, methodically modifying the behaviour of your fiancée/girlfriend so that she becomes an excellent wife. Women are coded and nurtured in a particular way, which has a major impact on the way they interact with other people. As we know, it is important for a man that his wife behaves the way he wants, we have developed techniques that make your wife obedient to her master’s wishes.

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Why is it important to train the wife?

Every man has a lifestyle which gets adversely and drastically impacted when a woman enters his life. In most cases, this happens because of compatibility issues. Wives in recent times have shown great stubbornness to mend their ways after marriage, which leads to chaos and at times tempts men into violence, which cannot be completely justified.

‘Train your Wife’ is not just a business, but also our social responsibility.

The dreams that a couple has at the time of marriage can get destroyed, thanks to the unreasonable demands made by women, and in some cases men. So it is important that you train your wife to suit you and your family needs/demands.

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What we focus on?

Compatibility can be in different areas, which can be mainly classified as – Behavioural, Physical and Monetary. When a couple enrols in our programme, we take full charge of female and put her through our intensive 7 weeks training module.

Training

Behavioural

Girls these days don’t know how to behave. Modern day marriages often involves a lot of socializing. Girls must know how to change their behaviour with respect to the surroundings. The idea is that this should be in line with expectations of the man. We will train the wife in such a way that you can control her degree of openness when she is with your friends, colleagues or boss. Most importantly, we will make sure that she is not an embarrassment for you.

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Physical

Physical compatibility is a must between husband and wife. Our physical module will train your wife to meet all your expectations in the bedroom department. Whatever you want she will do for you. We will pick up a trainer with a body type similar to that of your (usually it will be from your profession and race). He will train you wife for two weeks in different positions, so that she is not clueless in the bedroom when married. In fact she will know much more than what her ex-boyfriend taught her.

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Monetary

Money is really important for happiness. Without money, there can be no happiness. Hence, we will teach your wife how to manage the funds given to her. She needs to realize that after marriage she will have to maintain a perfect balance of being a good house wife and looking good for her husband. You don’t want an ugly hag around you. Depending on your salary, we will give her money every morning. Our shopping activities will help her develop her brain in such a way that she spends the right amount on groceries and cosmetics. At the end of the day she should have saved enough money to buy a gift for you every month, for your love and care. If the wife is working, we will make sure that she voluntarily transfers all her salary to you and manages her day in the funds allocated by you.

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We will teach her how to keep quiet!!!

The problem with girls is that they talk a lot. This is not something limited to modern day girls. Even the cave women used to talk. In fact they never stopped talking, that’s why the men had to go hunting. The women could not go hunting, because they never stopped talking and the prey would run away. We don’t want this jibber jabber to destroy your India v/s Pakistan cricket match or married life, in that order. So we have special duct tape sessions where we train the women to accept defeat in an argument and eventually keep quiet. Peace will prevail!!!

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Why Looney Darindey?

This programme is specially designed by the married and divorced men for the ‘to be married’ men. Our consultants know your problems and some know the solutions too. Our programme is designed in such a way that you have sufficient time between your engagement and marriage. In fact this fits perfectly in the E-T-M Methodology (Engage Train and Marry). It can also be customized as per the man’s wishes and the race of the female species. We have built this with a ‘client first’ or a ‘husband first’ mind set, which ensures that you are the one who stays in charge. Most importantly, this comes with a warranty!!! If you are not happy with her, we can do this training again, free of cost!!!

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Remember,

When you cannot chain her, train her!!!

To learn more about the programme, reach out to us at looneydarindey@gmail.com.

 

The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

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The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Long long ago, there was a prince, who didn’t like food.

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He despised it more than kids despised mathematics. Top of his hate list was milk, which I doubt comes from something as sweet as a cow. (FYI: I haven’t tasted a cow). He hated food worse than the biggest bully at his school. Queen mother tried a lot of new things, but there is only this much you can do with a Phool Gobi (cauliflower) or Patta Gobi (cabbage).

Aloo-Patta-Gobi-Curry

The  queen mother spent a lot of time learning new things, which made her really busy and late to go to bed. So obviously daddy i.e. the king got angry, because that was eating into daddy’s time for his good night stories. Everyday mommy and daddy used to dress up like characters from Panchatantra and tell each other stories, but never invited the prince.

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Prince’s food tantrums were not helping the case and his daddy really got upset. Until one day, queen mommy discovered a red and yellow packet. She said it was god sent. The packet said that the food will be ready in 2 minutes, but it took ages to come to the table.  Prince carefully took the first bite. As the gooey noodles made their way into the prince’s mouth, the tiny prince travelled into an alternate universe. The queen mother realized – “If sex was for daddy, this was for the prince!!!” The thing that would fill the void left behind by breast milk was to be fulfilled by Queen Mother’s new found love Maggi.

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As the prince grew up, Maggi became an inseparable part of the family. That packet of Maggi was like a fairy tale. The day the prince came early from an examination, it was there. The day the prince got beaten up and pissed all over him by the bullies at school, it was there, The day it rained, it was there.

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In short, it was always there, but never did the prince get bored of it. At times it was an incentive for the prince to complete his homework on time. Slowly as the prince grew further to become a 3rd degree turd of a teenager, the love for Maggi only grew stronger. Hot girls and Maggi – that’s all that the prince could think of. Sadly, Maggi was the only thing accessible.

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The King was a creative thinker and liked innovation in the bedroom. The king and his ministers used to try out new things and discuss the next morning during the lunch break. Sadly, the queen was not willing to try new things.  She loved dominating in the bedroom, but the creativity was missing. King had nothing new to discuss and the same new missionary tales were becoming less amusing by the day. He knew that his ministers laughed only because he was the king. So one day, when the king wanted to replace the traditional metal windows with the sliding windows, the queen demanded three wish coupons in lieu. Queen used the first one to make a son and the second won to buy exotic lingerie. She kept the third wish in her blouse and told the king she will be revealing it later. The day had finally arrived and queen was about to reveal.

One of the king’s ministers had clearly stated that noodles are aphrodisiac and the queen mother did not want her kid to grow up to become Shakti Kapoor, so she decided to use her third wish.

Shakti-Kapoor

The King came back from work all pissed. To keep the son busy, she made him Maggi, but to keep the king busy, she had to do a little more. She dressed like Kunika from the old Hindi movies.

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Queen ordered food from king’s favorite restaurant. She also got the king some ice cream and made sweet sweet love to him. When the king was completely under her spell, she told him, dude, let’s send the prince to boarding school.

To be continued…

Why Indian parents make kids?

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Why Indian parents make kids?

In India after few years into the marriage, if you do not squeeze one out, questions may be raised along with fat eyebrows. Doubts on manhood and fading hopes of achieving complete womanhood go hand in hand. A married couple in India is treated like a toaster. If the toast doesn’t pop out within first two three years, people think, “Short circuit ho gaya hoga!!!” (There must be a short circuit i.e. some problem with the couple). Letting other people take important decisions like these is kind of our thing. So, when you choose your life partner, without prior approval from your cousin aunt’s step mother-in-law, you may be treated like a dirty laundry. Still, when it comes to bringing a brand new asshole in this stinking shit pot of a world, the decision should be completely yours. Irrespective of the fact whether it is voluntary or not, why do Indian parents need kids in the first place.

1. To come first in the class

Indian parents are obsessed with kids coming first in the class.

Spelling Bee

So much so that they forget only one among 60-70 kids can come first in the class. If the kid does not come first, father thinks that he belongs to his wife’s ex-boyfriend and mother thinks it’s the mechanic. He is threatened to be thrown into a boarding school, but that threat never materializes as they fear that the kid may turn into a homosexual. This pressure of coming first finally pays off, only for men, unfortunately after marriage in the bed. You can deal with this pressure by watching the following video…

2. To buy ice-cream on a Sunday afternoon

Remember how on Sunday after that heavy meal your mom had cooked, your father usually sent you out to get ice-cream. This was one time you were useful to your family as a kid. What’s better than an ice-cream after a quickie? More importantly they had to see less of you for 5 minutes.

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3. Same reason why Europeans needed slaves

So daddy is fixing a lamp, but is too lazy to go to the kitchen and get the wooden stool. The fact is that he is afraid and wants to avoid confrontation with mom. He suddenly starts feeling like a roman king and sends his gladiator to go get it for him. You run like a dog behind a ball and get the stool or whatever he wants. At times I think, the kids provide the only chance for our parents to live the life of a Roman emperor. They can just make 4-5 kids, throw the bread and let them fight for it.Maa ki Slave4. Learn a new musical instrument, dance or entertain the guests

I learnt Tabla, my cousin sister learnt harmonium and my blind cousin knows singing. Now we may sound like one of those musical groups in the Mumbai local, “Pardesi…Pardesi” or “Dil diwana bin sajna ke maane na and all that”, but trust me we are not. We are more of the “Hum ko mann ki Shakti dena” and all that type. Once you learn an art form, you become the official courtesan of your family. Be ready to demonstrate your art in front of the guests, with a smile on your face. After all, it is because of them that you are getting to eat in the new ‘mehmanowali’ (for guests) plates.

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5. Answer the door and phone calls for your father

You are not a true daughter or son, if you are not the first one to run for the door.

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Every time the bell rang, it meant hope. Someone is here to rescue you, but they all turned out to be nothing but politicians with empty promises, who became boring within first 5 minutes. Be first to answer the phone, as you are the one who screens the calls. Of course these were the days of landline, in the days of mobile, your only job is to help your mother find out whether your dad is making out with the secretary or drinking with his friends.

6. Fulfill their unfulfilled dreams

If your parents’ dreams are X, on an average .3X dreams are fulfilled. Now it’s your job to fulfil 1.3X of the dreams. This unfortunately leaves very little space for your own dreams to be fulfilled. A lot of kids in this country spend decades figuring out what the fuck their dreams are, other than those which make them wet their pants in childhood, puberty and youth. Irrespective of how poor or how rich you are, your parents expect you to fulfil their dreams, just like your parents fulfilled your grandparents’. It is a vicious cycle of the glorious Indian society, where we are not allowed to dream, but told to dream. Our parents would rather want us to be Wasim Jaffer and fulfil their Ranji dreams, than become Sachin Tendulkar and shine like a real star. Some say that there are different levels of dreams. If that is true, we are still struggling to enter the first one.

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When you bring a new creature in this world, you bring a mind that can think and act on its own. The more you want him/her to be an impression of your own, the more he/she limits the ability to think. The less you control, the happier they will be, a bit like the helium balloon. Stop treating your kids like a glorified puppy. Let them think. Let them question everything around them, including your actions.

Be brave and let them be brave.

Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

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Why is it OK for married Indian women to have extra marital affair?

In Indian society, extra marital affairs are generally frowned upon. Especially if it is done by a woman, but there are few reasons, why it is fine for a married woman to get into an extra marital affair.

  1. Unmarried women can’t get into extra marital affairs

The strange fact about extra marital affairs is that unmarried women cannot get into an extra marital affair. Marriage is a prerequisite for extra marital affairs. I know this may sound weird, but extra marital affairs function like an elitist club, where only married men or women are allowed. Yes, people can have affairs with unmarried people, still for them, it will only be an affair. In order to make it an extra marital affair, they need to first marry and continue the affair. So tomorrow, if you want your daughter to get into an extra marital affair, first get her married and then find her a nice extra marital match.

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  1. It is done after marriage…

An extra marital affair has to be consummated for it to be considered a legal extra marital affair. Till then the girl is to be considered loyal to her husband. Now the real question is why is it not wrong to do this? The answer is pretty simple – “Because it is after marriage”. In India, pre-marital sex is considered as a blasphemy, but post marriage, it is considered totally fine. Imagine, your daughter banging the mechanic before marriage, it will not be Sanskaari at all, but after marriage, it should not be much of a problem, because it is not premarital sex. Also, after marriage, if the girl is caught having extra marital affair with the milkman or your husband’s friend or something, it would be her in-laws fault, because after marriage, they are her parents. So it will be very easy for her parents to pass on the blame to her in-laws saying, “Haaw, aapki beti kahan mooh kala karke aa gayi!!!” You know as they say, “Offence is the best Defense”

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  1. Because it is free!!!

Extra marital affairs are free of cost. In India, we love things that are free. I mean “Ek ke saath ek free”, i.e. “one on one free” is what gives the women real long lasting orgasms. So between Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Varma, the smarter housewife will be the one with extra marital affair, because she knows the importance of free. Only she can be a good mother and daughter in law in long run.

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  1. Makes her good at multi-tasking

Women are good at multi-tasking as per the feminists, but this skill can get way better with an extra marital affair. A women who can successfully keep two men happy can truly be awesome at managing the house and take care of lot of kids in future. An average Indian mom is supposed to have 4 kids. Taking care of four kids is not easy, especially if they are boys. Hence, it is important that the girl gets into an extra marital affair early in her married life. This will train her for challenges of future and help her get a better understanding of men.

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  1. Makes her better at physical love

Physical love can be a challenging task, especially in India, where we have a lot of mosquitoes. To counter the mosquitoes and bed bugs etc. it is important for the girl to have an extra man to practice this with. The logic is simple – If you want your wife to cook new things, you send her to a cookery class, but if you want your wife to try new things in bed, send her to someone who can teach her that.

Physical Love

  1. Good for girl’s parents

Today is a time full of stress and problems. So don’t expect the marriages to last long. Also, there are chances that your daughter or son-in-law or both may not live long. An extra marital affair by the daughter ensures that you get a back-up to the back-up son i.e. back-up son in law. So don’t worry who will change your diapers, when you start wetting your bed, because you have taken 3 levels of precautions – daughter, son-in-law and back-up son-in law.

indianparents

To summarize, extra marital affairs are a very human thing to do. Have you ever seen cats or dogs or crickets having extra marital affairs? No, because it is only for the supreme species called homo-sapiens. If your daughter grows up and asks you, mom how many extra marital affairs you had, what answer can you give her? Who will take care of your parents, if for some reason you and your current husband are not around?

These are some serious questions and demand serious answers. You don’t have to look too far, just look around you, “This  special one” might be way closer than you think. So next time your husband’s boss makes a naughty comment, or the milk man shows up without a t-shirt or plumber accidentally makes you wet, do not ignore as he might be your prince “Extra Charming!!!

specialone

India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

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India vs Sri Lanka – Why the F*** are we still doing it?

India is playing against Sri Lanka, like we give a fuck about it. Still, I think total indifference about India Sri Lanka cricket series is kind of unfair.

First time the two played, we wrote a book about it. Built a temple in Ayodha and celebrated Indian team’s successful return with an entire festival.

Ramayana was the first series, where we were not pissed off about wives being present at the game. Ramayana is called mythology because I think it never happened. It must have been a series of 5 Test Matches, 7 ODIs and 3 T20s.

ramayana

Some say, the best thing about India Sri Lanka series is that the live telecast is during day time.

When Sri Lankan Right Arm Spinners are bowling to Indian Right Hand batsmen, and yelling “Alle Alle Alle Alle Alle”, we are banging our heads on our laptops.

There are some idiots who follow India Sri Lanka series on websites like Cric Info, Cric Buzz, Rediff etc. These obsessed people are doing it only because India Sri Lanka series is a part of Indian Culture as much as Ramayana or Mahabharata. I think Sita haran was a conspiracy hatched by Sri Lankan Cricket board to make sure that we keep playing with them  forever. People say when Ravana died, his last words were “Shree Rama” but I think they were “Ranatungaaaa”.

ranatunga

The fun fact is that Ravana himself was an entire cricket team. All those stories about 10 heads strengthen my claim. Vibhishan was a mere umpire, who gave some wrong LBW decisions in our favor, since then deported to India, “Bhenc*** tu udhar hi jake reh na”. Shoorpanakha was an IPL cheerleader who was sacked for being involved in match fixing and all. Rama had a team full of monkeys and a hot headed vice- captain in Lakshman, but in the end was able to pull it off, because he was a cool headed captain, a bit like our MSD. Ultimately, we all have to agree that the whole series was for his trophy. Hanuman was promised a big role in the battle, sent for scouting, but actually ended up on the medical team.

Ravana SitaTo conclude, we strongly believe, India as a nation should give more importance to India Sri Lanka cricket series, because it is the most important part of our culture.

Also, when everything else will be banned in India, this is the only thing we can watch freely and without any fear.

|| Jai Shree Ram ||

jai shree ram

Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

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Divide and Drool – Yakub Hanging, People’s President and Media Monkeys

There was a time when I saw a man in khadi with a ‘jhola’ on his shoulders, grown beard and speaking some real logical stuff. This so called ‘Patrakaar’ had dedicated his life to bring out the truth. He really had a commanding personality. The kind that makes you feel like a dumb cunt for not focusing more in your social studies class. He meant what he wrote, as his words has real substance. With time, the substance has evaporated and what remains is a clown dressed as an actor from a ‘Nautanki’. The beard has lost its importance as even Rahul Gandhi has started growing one. The ‘patrakaar’ is not neutral as he/she has taken sides, either right or left or centre.

Source: MonketBuddha.com

The media these days has turned rapist. Not just evil, but hardcore rapist. They want to divide us, more like spread our legs and fuck us over and over again. They can divide us for different reasons – Caste (that card is kind of getting old now), language (can be brought up once in a while), sexual orientation (gays v/s straight – worked for a while), aam v/s VIP (has been there for centuries) and the favorite is religion (that one always works man).

So whenever, someone in any of the media channels gets an erection for TRP or whatever other reason, they have a simple road-map to intellectual orgasm – Engage and Outrage.

Let’s take the burning example of Yakub Memon’s hanging. Eid was few days back and as if going to iftar was not enough for these minority appeasing monkeys, they had to cash in on the Yakub Memon issue. The fun fact is that they started saying that these blasts were a reaction to 1992 Bombay riots. The logic is similar to, “I raped her, because she provoked me”. The hypocrisy doesn’t end here. They have been shouting 2002 2002 2002 for past 13 years, but never acknowledged the fact that it was a reaction to Godhra train massacre. I am defending neither, and no man in a sane state of mind should encourage or embrace violence in any form, but there must be some consistency. To sell news, it may be beneficial to engage one and outrage the other. In Yakub’s case, they took this to the next level. ‘Engage all and Outrage all’.

About the 40 odd petitioners, who think poor Yakub was not a terrorist and should not be hanged, were you wanking off for last twenty years, when the case was being contested? Why these idiots woke up at the last moment, when the whole fight was lost. Why now? Are you trying to build an image of ‘Heroes who at least tried’ in the mind of vulnerable Muslims? They always think of Muslims as nothing but a big barbeque party, where they can go and get their meat whenever they want. What Muslims need is a true visionary leader, who will transform their lives in a meaningful way and stop the world from exploiting them as a vote bank. Do they really want one such leader is the real question?

The hanging was obviously ironic; as it was on the day the funeral of Dr. Kalam, one of the greatest brain, heart and soul in the country was planned. He was a Muslim and all of us were proud of him. We loved him and still do, because we respect the deeds and not the religion. It hurts because in the morning newspaper, Yakub’s hanging had taken centre stage and Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam was pushed in one small corner. It just shows their priority. Let us push aside science and education and let us give importance to religious fanaticism, because that’s what sells.

indian express

Dr. Kalam’s contribution in 1999 Pokhran explosion was enormous, and a real turning point in India’s future. It was this explosion that shook up and woke up the world up and they started looking at India as a technology destination. The engineers of this country not only drew inspiration, but also got jobs because of his heroic deed. Yes, there were economic sanctions for a while, but he showed what we are made of and then that historic Clinton visit happened, which literally shaped our future. Sadly, all his contributions were overshadowed and the dark clouds of terrorism had taken over the news

As a kid, my parents told us, please listen to the news, they are informative. My partially blind grandfather used to tune in to the radio almost till his last moments. News channels these days have become source of high blood pressure. News channels these days are much more dangerous than the video games. At least, you can choose what video games to play.

Still, not all media guys are bad or rather opinionated. Recently, there was a case in Kolkata, where a man was living with his sister’s corpse for months. The article was so beautifully written that you can feel the pain. The act may sound hideous to many, but the article brought out the agony behind the crime, without causing any outrage. The fact is, I have always admired the folks from the media. I believe that these fiery and sincere journalists can change the world. I have always thought that this fourth pillar of democracy in incorruptible, but off late with this mad frenzy of becoming the “Exclusive”, “No. 1”, “Breaking News” etc. I feel you are losing track of your objective. As an honest citizen, I want you to question the government and society for their actions, but it hurts to see you glorify the terrorists for your selfish interests. He could have been hanged and we could have been done with, but you had to create this feeling of injustice and deprivation and once again alienate my Muslim friends. ‘Divide and Drool’ is fine if you are selling butter or KFC, but is a dangerous strategy when you are selling news, because, the day we wake up, the day the common people realize that you are making a third degree ‘Chutiya’ we won’t forgive you.

Source: Amul.com