Tag Archives: maggi ban

The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

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The King who fought the Maggi battle – Maggiayan Part 1

Long long ago, there was a prince, who didn’t like food.

joffrey

He despised it more than kids despised mathematics. Top of his hate list was milk, which I doubt comes from something as sweet as a cow. (FYI: I haven’t tasted a cow). He hated food worse than the biggest bully at his school. Queen mother tried a lot of new things, but there is only this much you can do with a Phool Gobi (cauliflower) or Patta Gobi (cabbage).

Aloo-Patta-Gobi-Curry

The  queen mother spent a lot of time learning new things, which made her really busy and late to go to bed. So obviously daddy i.e. the king got angry, because that was eating into daddy’s time for his good night stories. Everyday mommy and daddy used to dress up like characters from Panchatantra and tell each other stories, but never invited the prince.

panchatantra-terrorist

Prince’s food tantrums were not helping the case and his daddy really got upset. Until one day, queen mommy discovered a red and yellow packet. She said it was god sent. The packet said that the food will be ready in 2 minutes, but it took ages to come to the table.  Prince carefully took the first bite. As the gooey noodles made their way into the prince’s mouth, the tiny prince travelled into an alternate universe. The queen mother realized – “If sex was for daddy, this was for the prince!!!” The thing that would fill the void left behind by breast milk was to be fulfilled by Queen Mother’s new found love Maggi.

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As the prince grew up, Maggi became an inseparable part of the family. That packet of Maggi was like a fairy tale. The day the prince came early from an examination, it was there. The day the prince got beaten up and pissed all over him by the bullies at school, it was there, The day it rained, it was there.

bully

In short, it was always there, but never did the prince get bored of it. At times it was an incentive for the prince to complete his homework on time. Slowly as the prince grew further to become a 3rd degree turd of a teenager, the love for Maggi only grew stronger. Hot girls and Maggi – that’s all that the prince could think of. Sadly, Maggi was the only thing accessible.

preity maggi

The King was a creative thinker and liked innovation in the bedroom. The king and his ministers used to try out new things and discuss the next morning during the lunch break. Sadly, the queen was not willing to try new things.  She loved dominating in the bedroom, but the creativity was missing. King had nothing new to discuss and the same new missionary tales were becoming less amusing by the day. He knew that his ministers laughed only because he was the king. So one day, when the king wanted to replace the traditional metal windows with the sliding windows, the queen demanded three wish coupons in lieu. Queen used the first one to make a son and the second won to buy exotic lingerie. She kept the third wish in her blouse and told the king she will be revealing it later. The day had finally arrived and queen was about to reveal.

One of the king’s ministers had clearly stated that noodles are aphrodisiac and the queen mother did not want her kid to grow up to become Shakti Kapoor, so she decided to use her third wish.

Shakti-Kapoor

The King came back from work all pissed. To keep the son busy, she made him Maggi, but to keep the king busy, she had to do a little more. She dressed like Kunika from the old Hindi movies.

kunika

Queen ordered food from king’s favorite restaurant. She also got the king some ice cream and made sweet sweet love to him. When the king was completely under her spell, she told him, dude, let’s send the prince to boarding school.

To be continued…

Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

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Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

Turning 30, Maggi ban and Bollywood….

Few days back I turned 30. I remember it was at the age of 26, when I first wanted to strangle that annoying kid who called me and my friend ‘uncle’. I was not annoyed because he called me an uncle, it was the timing. That little piece of dumpster turd did it when I was bursting crackers, my favorite childhood activity. It was like waking you up in the middle of a wet dream with a bucket full of ice cold water and that was just the beginning. Silver linings in my hair had started itching like sweaty underwear after a long workday. Time passed quickly, I turned 29 and before I could realize the dreaded 30s were at the doorstep knocking heavily. The winter was coming and this was going to be a long one.

Uncle

Uncle

CHAPTER 1: The long list of People

I started feeling like a TV series or a movie character who has been around long enough without any great contribution to the plot. It is fine if you are an extra, but not when you are the lead actor of your life. This part of growing up was usually clipped in 70s/80s Bollywood movies. The hero’s parents die, he starts working, deceived by the bad guy, starts running on the road in shorts and suddenly grows up and he is wearing pants. Just like that 20-25 years of your life summed up in less than 30 seconds. First few years of your life are in fact like the first few minutes of a 70s Bollywood movie. It is happy and star studded, the cast being…

Mother (Ek Maa) – Jo karti hai tumse pyaar, kabhi daatati hai, kabhi maarti hai magar pyaar se khana khilati hai (A mother who loves you, scolds you and still feeds you before)

nirupa roy

Father (Ek Baap) – Jise tum weekdays pe sirf morning and evening (Office jaate hue aur office se aate hue) mein dekhte hon par weekend pein unhi ke saath rehte ho (A father who is mostly busy on weekdays, but makes sure he spends time with you on weekends)

amrish-puri

Sister/Brother/Both (Ek Behen/Bhai/Dono) – Jo tumse jhagade rehte hai, par doosro ki daat se tumhe bachate hai (A sister, who fights with you, but will protect you when you are being scolded)

behen

A series of treacherous girlfriends (number various from 0 to 1000, based on your flirting skills or imagination ability)

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A lot of friends and a few close ones (who stick around with you – tumhari lene ke liye)

dosti

By the time you are thirty, a person, who in most cases is not present in the first half of life becomes the main character, pulling most of the strings in your life. Of course I am talking about ‘The Wife’, ‘Biwi’, ‘Patni’, ‘Baayko’, whatever you want to call her, it does not change. She is like the actress, without whom, the movie can be complete, only if you want it to become a boring documentary.

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Another two people who enter your life are the ‘in-laws’. The two main characters that fall in this category are ‘father in law’ and ‘mother in law’. In most cases, ‘father in law’ is the calm one, while the ‘mother in law’ … well that needs a dedicated blog post. (Disclaimer: I am purely joking here. I repeat, purely joking).

inlaws

CHAPTER 2: The never ending questions

When you turn thirty, your life becomes a bag full of questions? Like, ‘Why the fuck do I exist?’, ‘Why the fuck this world exists?, ‘What is the meaning of my life?’ etc. Your body takes the form of an ugly external viva examiner and starts asking you questions too – ‘Why the fuck do you drink so much?, ‘Why the fuck can’t you control your diet?’, ‘Why the fuck do you get tired after just three rounds of masturbation?
bag-question-markRemember, you have a wife? So she has her endless list of questions, which is as big and as pointless as Kim Kardashian’s ass. Wives and girlfriends have doubts in a dumb Sharukh Khan movie. You can gauge the number of questions by that. The bigger problem is that these questions aren’t meant to be answered. You just have to keep milking them for a happy relationship. With every answer comes the probability of it being wrong, which in a man’s case is almost 100 %.

womanquestions

The most dangerous being, “When should we squeeze one out?” i.e., “When can we have our own parcel of joy?”.

CHAPTER 3: The Changes

30 is the age when you realize that the things that were important part of your childhood are not relevant any more. “He Man”, “Tales Pin”, “Jungle Book”, “Parle G”, “Monaco”, ”Maggi”, “Mamta Kulkarni” are few members of the long list. I know that “Change is the only constant”, but having Maggi banned two days before my 30th birthday was a big shock.

maggi_mast_masala

Coming to more relevant things, you have the strange realization that your parents are old. Your dad, the strongest man you have ever seen, needs your help. You start seeing yourself in his position few years back. Your mother who used to pick you up from school every day needs to be picked up from the railway station. Suddenly you are the captain, you are the one to switch off all the lights before sleeping. You are the one to pay the bills, the protector of the realm. 30’s is the age, when you realize that you are not a mere lead actor who is acting out the plot, but you are the writer, director, actor, producer and even the spot boy of the film. You are not just contributing to plot, you are writing it, this plot has just started…

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The Beginning